[00:00:34.210]
Welcome to Episode 401 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. There is still time to sign up for the Differentiated Leader, a Family Systems Theory Community of Practice. It begins on the 2nd Monday of October. That's Monday, October 12th, and runs on the 2nd Monday of each month for a total of 8 sessions. Each session will be from 7 to 8:30 PM Eastern time, but they will be recorded. So if you can't make it in person, you can watch the recording. And during each session, we will go into Bowen Family Systems Theory, either from Murray Bowen or Ed Friedman or somebody else. We'll cover the theory and then we will have Q&A and discussion. It's a great chance to learn. how to grow as a non-anxious leader. You can find more information and register at the link in the show notes. And if you are new to this podcast, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com with your questions, comments, and suggestions for future episodes. And you can get more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com where you can find out about my coaching practice, speaking engagements, books that I've written, and courses that I offer. You can also subscribe to my Two for Tuesday email newsletter and get your free AI Family Systems Coach at the website or at the links in the show notes.

[00:02:02.290]
Finally, if you would like to support my work for as little as $5 a month, you can get more information and sign up at the link in the show notes. Thanks in advance for your consideration. And now, without further ado, here is episode 401. How Murray Bowen Reworked His Primary Triangle, Part 3 of 3. In Parts 1 and 2 of this episode, I covered how Murray Bowen prepared to rework the interlocking triangles in his family of origin, as well as how he maintained a non-anxious presence in the midst of the heightened anxiety that he created. If you haven't listened to those episodes, you'll want to do that first. In this episode, I'll cover how Bowen continued this process to bring himself and his family of origin to a higher level of self-differentiation. Bowen knew that he had to remain in connection with the rest of the system. He notes that the feeling system, as opposed to the thinking system, wants to withdraw to a comfortable distance, which will result in the relationship system tightening up again. He knew that his second brother was still angry and reactive, and he had to connect with him. He didn't want to do this, but he knew he had to.

[00:03:21.550]
As he said, quote, responsibility overcame feelings, end quote. This raises another important point. When you are self-differentiating, there will be sabotage, reactivity, and resistance. The last thing you want to do is move closer to the resistors, but if you don't, anxiety will increase and any progress you've made could be lost. I'm going to read another long quote from Family Therapy in Clinical Practice, where Bowen shares how he moved closer to his second brother. And as a reminder, this is the day after that fateful Sunday afternoon meeting with his family. Bowen writes, quote, For the first time in years, I found him alone and willing to talk. There was an exchange of superficial pleasantry, and then, after sufficient time to assure myself that he would not mention the family issue about the business, I asked him, are you still mad at me? He responded with a detached, hell no. Then I said that on my way to town I had heard some new stories about him and would he be interested in what others were saying about him. He responded with, I do not want to hear any more stories. I expressed surprise that a man in his position would not want to know what people said about him, and that to keep him informed, I would be willing to write the stories on a piece of paper and send the paper in the mail.

[00:04:47.300]
He said he would return my mail unopened and unclaimed. I said that I found his attitude hard to understand, but I would respect it, and instead I would tell him a compliment that I heard about him as I crossed the street. I had heard someone say that his intentions were good most of the time. He broke into a wide smile, the first of his old friends-winning smile that I had seen in months. After that, I had the first person-to-person talk I had with him in years. He talked about his effort with the larger family system, his own family, and the business. During this discourse, he talked about our oldest sister and how he had been trying to help her and how she seemed to defeat every effort. At one point he said, sometimes I think she is retarded. Immediately after this long talk with him, I drove down to see my older sister and said, Hey sis, I've been talking to your brother about your problems and he said you refuse to listen to him. What in the world have you been doing to him to make him talk like that? In previous years, my detriangling efforts had been awkward and forced.

[00:05:52.500]
Now they flowed smoothly and automatically, and I no longer had to discipline myself to do them. I made several more smooth detriangling efforts with my parents. That same Monday, I wrote a special letter to my first brother who had not come for the weekend. I chided him about his delinquency and irresponsibility toward the family and reported that I had been home all weekend trying to restore peace and harmony to the family, but that the harder I tried, the more I seemed to upset them. I have been trying to establish free and open communications to calm them down. All I did was tell them some of the stories you have been telling me about them, and this seems to upset them instead of calm them. This weekend has been a complete failure, and I do not know where I failed. Since I have failed, it is now up to you to get home immediately to deal with this emergency situation. I later discovered he had been within 65 miles of home that weekend on a business trip, but that the pressure of business had made it impossible for him to get there. There are 2 things to highlight here.

[00:06:57.540]
Bowen persisted with his paradoxical and playful sharing of stories with his brother without much response. Then he shared some good news about him, which broke the ice. After that, they had a real conversation. One never knows what kind of approach will break through. Staying the course of detriangling as well as varying the approach is likely to work— eventually. Second, it wasn't enough to work with just his second brother. He also had to continue reworking the interlocking triangles which included his other siblings. Doing this gave his family of origin the best chance to find a new place of functioning. Bowen and his wife left his parents' home for 2 days and then came back for 2 more days. He says that for the first time in his life, he had spent a whole week outside of the family ego mass. He writes in another long section, quote, there was no major effort on my part those last days, but merely a casual detriangling of each new situation that presented itself. My younger sister and her husband were even more casual and detached than before. They spoke of how interesting and enjoyable they found the sequence of events.

[00:08:10.180]
My parents still voiced concern, but they were calmer than they had been in a long time. My brother's wife sought me out, and I had the first serious person-to-person talk with her in many years. Just before my departure, my second brother's younger son came to say goodbye to me, which was unusual for him. He said, thank you very much for coming home this week. A week after the trip, my first brother called to talk for an hour. I did much detriangling with him, but it was clear that he and his wife were also relatively casual and outside the seriousness of the family issues. His wife later wrote me several letters to ask about my quote-unquote plan and strategy. In the past, I had been undone by partners, and I was not about to get serious with her and risk spoiling my success. I told her I was hurt by her implications of deviousness on my part when I had spent so much time thinking good things about people and doing good things for them. I assured her that my only goal was to restore the basic love and togetherness in the family. 2 weeks after the visit, I received a long letter from my mother in which she included one concise paragraph about the visit.

[00:09:19.680]
In it, she said, with all its ups and downs, your last trip home was the greatest ever. Immediately after the visit, I had written to my older sister again, chiding her about my continuing efforts to get various members of her family to take care of her and her problems. She responded by kidding me for telling everyone else to take care of her while I did nothing to help take care of her. Then she said she was perfectly capable of taking care of herself, that she did not know where she had been for the last 40 years, but she had a new outlook and a new lease on life. The issue between my parents and brother about stock and control of the family business completely faded after that family experience weekend. Bowen continued to detriangle his relationships, which is to say, not get caught up in talking about other people, but dealing directly with each family member, pushing them in the opposite direction. For example, instead of telling his older sister that she needed to be more responsible, something that would have gotten him stuck in a conflict of wills, he was playful about how he was trying to get people to take care of her.

[00:10:26.700]
Her response was that she could take care of herself. His experience confirmed his belief that reworking the interlocking triangles in one's family of origin will not only increase one's own self-differentiation, but it will also help the overall system grow more mature. In addition, the differentiating person has an appeal to the entire family. Edwin Friedman put it this way, a self is more attractive than a no-self. I have seen this repeatedly in helping people do their own family of origin work. As they self-differentiate, remain a non-anxious presence through the resistance, the family grows more mature and relatives seek them out. Everyone loves a non-anxious presence. Bowen's experience was significant because prior to this, he had worked with other families at the National Institute for Mental Health. He knew in theory what should work, but it's easy to tell others what they should do. Doing it for himself gave him the confidence to lean into this as a central part of family systems theory. It's not easy, but the results can be powerful. That's it for episode 401. Remember, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com, and you can find more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. And if you found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who would benefit, and please leave a review on your podcast platform of choice.

[00:11:56.720]
Thanks in advance for your help. And now, until next time, go be yourself. Thank you for listening.