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Welcome to Episode 399 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. There is still time to register for the Differentiated Leader of Family Systems Theory Community of Practice. It begins on Monday, October 12th, from 7 to 8:30 PM Eastern time and runs every second Monday of the month for a total of 8 sessions. In each session, we will dig into family systems theory, and we'll have a chance for question and answer and discussion on the various topics to help you grow as a non-anxious leader.

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This is absolutely free, and you can sign up at the link in the show notes. And if you're new to this podcast, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com with your questions, comments, and suggestions for future episodes. And you can get more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. Where you can find out about my coaching practice, speaking engagements, books that I've written, and courses that I offer. You can also subscribe to my Two for Tuesday email newsletter and get your free AI Family Systems Coach at the website or at the links in the show notes.

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Finally, if you would like to support my work for as little as $5 a month, you can get more information and sign up at the link in the show notes. Thanks in advance. For your consideration. And now, without further ado, as I promised, here is Episode 399, How Murray Bowen Reworked His Primary Triangle, Part 1 of 2.

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In 2 recent episodes, I covered your primary family-of-origin triangle and how to rework it, but I noted that the latter isn't possible without understanding the interlocking triangles. In his book, Family Therapy in Clinical Practice, Murray Bowen shares the example of how he reworked the triangles in his own family of origin. This is a fascinating and instructive case study. Bowen showed what it looks like when one person decides to rework their relationship with their parents by reworking the triangles that shape the entire family. An opportunity arose when his sister-in-law's brother died suddenly of a heart attack.

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When a shock like this occurs in one part of the family, anxiety moves throughout the system and symptoms begin to appear. He writes that this type of shock can impact a family for months and that anxiety can amplify seemingly unrelated small problems into big ones at vulnerable points in the relationship system. The point is, you don't work on your relationship with your parents in a vacuum. You work on it in a living system that reacts, compensates, and shifts when you function differently. In Bowen's case, his older sister became anxious and upset.

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He noted that she was so attuned to emotional forces in the family that when she became symptomatic, it was often an early indication of tension in the system. In addition, his second brother, whose brother-in-law had died, was pressing his parents for a small block of stock that would give him control of the Bowen family business. His father supported this move, and his mother opposed it. Not long after that, the same brother was immobilized with back pain. Instead of distancing, which would have been his normal response, Bowen asked, how can I use this moment to further my own self-differentiation?

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Bowen's approach was to work on the triangle between himself, his mother, and his second brother, and, if possible, include his father. That triangle had been at the center of emotional process for years. He believed reworking it would be the key to reworking his relationship with both parents. But here's the key: it's process, not content. You don't rework a triangle by focusing on the issue, which in this case was his brother's attempt to get controlling interest in the family business.

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Bowen knew that he couldn't respond to that. He writes that if he focused on the stock transfer, it would make that issue into a reality issue rather than a manifestation of an emotional system. In other words, if he argued the content of that issue, it would fix everyone's focus on that, keeping the system stuck. Bowen didn't live near his parents, and because he had some time before his next trip home, he was able to take the time to come up with a plan. He writes, this is the wonderful thing about triangles: one can construct an amazingly accurate hypothesis from which it is possible to plan a predictable result if The differentiating one can contain his own emotional functioning enough to carry through.

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Bowen's plan included stirring up old issues, not to create chaos, but to make the emotional patterns visible. He wanted the triangles to be active so he could relate to his parents and siblings without being pulled into the fusion that had defined the family for decades. To do this, he knew he had to avoid being an ally with anyone in the system. He writes that he planned to keep the entire family in one big emotional clump and to detriangle any ally who tried to come over to my side.

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Triangles interlock, and Bowen knew that dealing with one meant dealing with most, if not all, the triangles in the relationship system. The key learning here is you can't work on a triangle by forming other triangles. He had to figure out a way to stay in all these triangles but to stay neutral with each person. He spent most of his time working on a long letter to his second brother. He writes, I made a list of old emotional issues that focused on my relationship to him and his to me, the family system's relationship to him and to me, and relationships within his nuclear family.

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It was my purpose to have an issue for all key family members, especially issues that would touch each relationship cleanly. He notes that he wrote and rewrote this letter to remove any hostile or derogatory comments. He knew that when one is trying to self-differentiate, if they become hostile or angry, he is vulnerable to losing objectivity and either defending or counterattacking when the issues are hurled back at him. I played and replayed these issues so many times that I could be rather objective about each one. The more I did this, the more it was impossible for me to be angry with anyone.

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In fact, I had only heightened respect for my second brother, who had functioned so well as head of the clan at home.

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Bowen is emphasizing an important point here that I say often, and that is, family systems theory helps you to understand the relationship system that influences your functioning without Without blaming yourself or others. You can then figure out how to function in a healthier way. And to do this, Bowen's effort was to remain emotionally neutral so that he could focus on emotional process and not content.

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In writing this letter, Bowen happened on a technique to avoid criticizing him. I'm going to read another long quote, but I think it's instructive. He writes, this technique was to relate stories I had heard about him, to tell him that everyone knew these stories but him, state that the family kept warning everyone not to tell him lest he get upset, and to ask why he had not bothered to know what people were saying about him. This sequence is present in every family system. The system talks about the absent one, and the system has definite rules about keeping the gossiping secret.

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In my letter, my posture to the stories was to say that they had been going on for years, that some were interesting but most were boring, that the stories seemed to be embellished more during upset periods, that I had long since given up trying to separate fact from fiction in such stories, that I was tired of being admonished about what to tell him and what to avoid telling him, and that this letter represented my right to communicate what I wanted to say directly to him without regard for what the system thought was good for him to hear. This technique, designed to present material in terms of stories, proved so effective I have since employed it routinely in my practice. One always has an adequate supply of appropriate stories to be used for particular situations.

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What's important to note here is that gossip and secrets Reinforce triangles. By sharing what others said about his brother, Bowen was reworking the triangle by refusing to keep things from him. In family systems terms, he is getting on his brother's side of the triangle. Prior to this, when he would hear stories about his brother and keep them secret, he was on the inside position of the triangle and his brother was on the outside. Using this technique put him and his brother on the inside position, which meant there was potential to rework the relationship.

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The second technique that Bowen used in his letter to his brother was what he called reversals. Friedman later called this paradox— it's doing the opposite of what you think you should do. According to Bowen, his brother was working 16-hour days in the family business for himself, his nuclear family, his parents, and the extended family system. He was carrying the stress of the system. No wonder he had back issues.

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Bowen writes that his brother was doing a great job, but during periods of anxiety, he got overly serious and emotionally uptight. He writes, If I were to tell him to slow down and take it easy and not get so overly responsible for everyone, it would merely be what he has been telling himself and trying unsuccessfully to do. Therefore, the reversals. I wrote him that I was shifting gears from my previous posture and would do something I did not ordinarily do, Namely, I was going to give him some good sound advice. I implored him to be more responsible.

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I said that he had the responsibility for his parents and they were not appreciative enough. Maybe he had not worked hard enough to take care of them, or maybe the problem was in not forcing them to appreciate him better. In any case, he should limber up his back and give it the good old college try. I said that he had all the problems to solve in the business, he had to straighten things out with his parents, His wife and children needed more attention, he had additional problems in his wife's family, and there was an immediate problem with his sister's despondency. I ended the letter by saying that I would be home on a specific date, but since I had already said all that was necessary in the letter, it would not be necessary to see him unless he had something to say to me.

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I signed it, Your Meddlesome Brother. End quote. This is the essence of paradox. Instead of trying to convince someone to do what you think is best for them, which almost certainly will result in pushback and a conflict of wills, do the opposite. In this case, it was telling his responsible brother that he needed to be more responsible because it was all his responsibility.

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Bowen mailed this letter 2 weeks prior to his trip home. He doesn't say, but my guess is he wanted to give enough time for it to stir things up, but not so much time that it would somehow get resolved or forgotten before he arrived home. Seems like a fat chance that it would be forgotten. He also wrote a letter to his first brother, who was an important part of the family. He gave him the exact date that he would be at home and implied that if he cared about the family, he would get home to clear up this terrible situation.

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He then wrote his oldest sister, the one who was most anxious, and said he had heard about her distressing upset and that she had her brother, That is Bowen's second brother, to help her out until he got there. He signed that letter, Your Worried Brother. Then, exactly one week prior to his visit, he called his parents under the guise of finding out who would meet his plane when he arrived. He was actually looking for intel on the letter he had written to his second brother. He knew his mother wouldn't let him down.

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She said his brother was furious about the letter. Bowen pretended not to know what she was talking about and said his brother was the one who owed him a letter since he hadn't written Bowen in a long time. His mom told him that he was showing it to people and even Xeroxing copies and that he said he would take care of Bowen when he arrived. He responded to his mom by saying that he was distressed to hear that his brother was upset and that he would be glad to see him when he arrived. Notice how Bowen stays neutral in the triangle with his second brother and his mom by defining self without responding to the accusations or saying anything about his brother.

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Bowen then wrote a letter to his younger sister, who lived near his parents and functioned as the responsible woman in his generation. He wrote that he had talked to Mother and was having a hard time understanding why his brother was upset because all he had done was send him some of his thoughts. Further, it was a mystery how these thoughts could upset him, and he was deeply grieved because that could upset the whole family. Finally, he told her that as big mother, she had the responsibility to do whatever was necessary to soothe their because that's what big mothers do, and to please advise him, that is Bowen, of anything he could do to make amends to their brother. He signed that letter, Your anxious brother.

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On the same day, Bowen wrote the exactly opposite message to his mother. He wrote that he did know about the letter he had written but didn't tell her because he was afraid she would tell his little, that is his second brother, and that would ruin his plan, which was going nicely thus far. He wrote, I said that since I knew I could trust her— she had pledged me thousands of secrets in the past— I would let her in on the strategy. I said that my plan was to get Little Brother really angry at me in order to draw the fire off the family situation at home. I told her that I had used a few little personal issues to warm him up, but that I had some big issues to fire him up if he cooled off during the week.

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I ended the letter by saying that this was all very confidential and that one leak would ruin the entire strategy. When one is planning strategy, it is not advisable to invite the enemy to the briefing sessions. That letter was signed, Your Strategic Son. Later, I heard about my mother's reaction to this letter, which was to say, I got the craziest letter. I did not know what to do with it, so I burned it.

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Finally, the day before he was to go home, Bowen received a letter from his younger sister, the responsible one, Saying that Bowen's second brother had spent over 2 hours with their parents after receiving Bowen's letter, that they thought it was horrible, and second brother had apparently won them over to his side. She also noted that maybe this brother would reverse his tendency to avoid Bowen because he was mad enough to stay and have it out. Further, Bowen writes, She reported that he was really going to have it out with me when I arrived and that my older sister's husband was going to back me into a corner to prove the lies I had been telling about his wife. Then she added that I had really stirred up the family and she hoped that my strategy worked. She ended up with, I am back of you if I can be of help.

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I am really looking forward to your visit this time. It should be very interesting.

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This raised a bit of an issue for Bowen. His strategy was to use these conflicting messages and the ensuing gossip to ensure that no segment of the family would get on his side of the triangle. If his younger sister had his back, then she would be on his side. He responded to her that he was going to tell the family that she invited him home to help her with her big mother issues. Her response was to back off and act as if all of the issues Bowen had raised were very serious.

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Another note here is that even though Bowen put himself on his second brother's side of the triangle by telling him about all the stories people told about him, He knew that his brother would put him back on the outside by complaining to members of the family, especially to their mother. Bowen's clinical work taught him 2 things. First, he knew that one cannot self-differentiate. One cannot change their functioning and rework the relationships in their family of origin when things are calm. Anxiety has to be higher so that old patterns resurface.

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Second, his clinical work gave him the belief that by remaining a non-anxious presence in the midst of all this upset, there was a good chance the system could grow more mature. I should note that this is ninja-level family systems theory in terms of how to function differently. This kind of work takes a lot of serious reflection on the triangles in the system and how to get on the outside position in a healthy way. The work is difficult, but it is possible. The big question is, what happened when Bowen went home?

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I'll cover that along with how you can apply this to your own family of origin in part 2.

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That's it for episode 399. Remember, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com and find more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. And if you found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who benefit, and please leave a review on your podcast platform of choice. Until next time, go be yourself.