Welcome to Episode 384 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. If you are new to this podcast, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com with your questions, comments, and suggestions for future episodes. This episode was a suggestion— well, actually, it was a question that has become a podcast episode. And you can get more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com where you can find out about my coaching practice, speaking engagements, courses that I offer, and books that I've written. You can also subscribe to my Two for Tuesday email newsletter and get your free AI family systems coach at the website or at the links in the show notes. Finally, if you'd like to support my work for as little as $5 a month, you can get more information and sign up at the link in the show notes. Thanks in advance. For your consideration. And now, without further ado, here is Episode 384, Understanding Symmetry Can Help You Lead as a Non-Anxious Presence, Part 1 of 2. My friend and colleague Todd Bartlett emailed me this week with this question: We listened to Episode 339 this week and a question came up about the generational patterns that may develop from over/underfunctioning parents.

One in the group noticed that they are an overfunctioner in part because their mother so greatly underfunctioned, and now they see in some of their children the pendulum swinging back to the other end of underfunctioning. Are you aware of any research that corroborates this pattern? What Todd described is the concept of symmetry. In Generation to Generation, Edwin Friedman writes, quote, in emotional life, every cause can produce exactly opposite effects, and every effect could have come from from exactly opposite causes, with the result that the more polarized things seem to be in a family, the more likely they are somehow connected. The most basic characteristic of a system is symmetry, the concept that all the emotional pushes and pulls in a family add up to zero. That is, they cancel one another out in a way that enables the overall family system to retain its homeostasis. "Emotional space, paying attention to extremes can be more productive than focusing on specific emotions." To clarify, homeostasis is the principle that every system has a place of equilibrium, and when something changes, the system will work to return to that balance. Friedman notes that in physics, the homeostatic principle of parity or complementarity can help physicists make accurate predictions about undiscovered particles by estimating the unseen forces that must exist to keep the balance that they observe.

That is, they don't yet know what those unseen particles are, but they can see the forces that they exert. And symmetry is very similar in terms of emotional process. It can help you better understand what is going on in any relationship system. Here are some examples of symmetry from generation to generation. They're examples of how the same cause can lead to the opposite effect, and I'm going to read these verbatim. Parental investment can promote overachievement or underachievement. An overly strict father can produce an overly strict son when he is a father, or one who is too permissive. Alcoholic parents can produce alcoholic offspring or offspring who marry alcoholics. Dependency can lead to helpless or controlling attitudes. A quote-unquote "nice guy" clergy person may be beloved by their congregation or taken by them. Well-defined stands can lead to admiration or revulsion. Surrendering and taking over are both ways of adapting. The key here is that in every case, the same cause results in extremes which are at opposite ends of a continuum. For example, healthy parental investment—that is, a parent who cares but whose own identity isn't wrapped up in their child's functioning—will not likely result in overachievement or underachievement.

But in either extreme, that is when a parent is overly invested in their child or not invested at all, can promote either overachievement or underachievement. In my work, I run into a lot of overachievers. If you are one of them, the question to ask is, did I have a parent who is overinvested or underinvested? When you apply the concept of symmetry in the relationship systems in which you function, you can better understand the behavior of others and yourself without blaming individuals or diagnosing those who are symptomatic. This last point is critical because individual behavior is always a function of the system. When you diagnose someone, it ignores this and absolves you of taking responsibility for your own functioning. For example, let's say you have a child who is underachieving in school. Not understanding the concept of symmetry will lead you to diagnose that something is wrong with them. You might take them to a therapist, get them a tutor, scold them on their study habits, ground them for poor grades, pay them for good grades, or all of the above. The focus is on their functioning and not on your own. Symmetry would cause you to ask, "What is it about my own functioning that is contributing to their underachievement?

Am I overinvested? Am I underinvested?" Where does this come from in my family of origin? I remember when we were covering this concept in a program I was in back in the 1990s, and all of a sudden one of the participants slapped his forehead because he had just had a revelation. He told us that growing up he always hated math, and his mother really wanted him to be good in math. She finally gave up trying when he was 16, and all of a sudden He loved math and he was good at it. This understanding of extremes shows up in Friedman's next list, which are examples of how the same effect could have come from opposite causes. I will say that before I get to the list, I hinted at the fact that the same outcome can come from opposite causes when I noted that underachievement or overachievement can come from either too much parental involvement or too little parental involvement. But here is Friedman's list of the same effect and how they could come from opposite causes. Someone who sleeps a great deal could be depressed or content. A family problem could surface after a business failure or a business success.

An extremely rigid offspring can be produced by an extremely rigid parent or an overly flexible parent. Lack of change can be a byproduct of polarization or of too much togetherness. Ineffective leadership can result from stands that are too authoritarian or too concerned with consensus. A crisis in faith can develop because of lack of self-examination, but the overexamined life isn't worth living either. And finally, chronic means always. It also means never. Understanding symmetry helps you see how the parts of a family are connected beneath the surface. It gives you a way to notice the emotional process operating in the background and to recognize what is being passed from one generation to the next. When you focus on symmetry instead of individual behavior, you avoid slipping into diagnosis. You stop trying to explain that behavior in linear terms and start paying attention to the emotional field that shapes it. According to Friedman, symmetry is a basic characteristic of any relationship system, and all the pushes and pulls add up to zero. They cancel each other out in a way that allows the system to maintain its homeostasis. This doesn't mean the system is healthy. It means the system is balanced according to its own internal logic.

Seeing this symmetry helps you understand why change is so difficult and why anxiety tends to circulate rather than disappear. In emotional space, paying attention to extremes is often more productive than focusing on specific emotions. Extremes reveal the shape of the system. They show where the pressure is and how people are managing their anxiety. They show what patterns are being reinforced, and when you can observe those extremes without reacting to them, you grow in your capacity to lead as a non-anxious presence. Finally, Friedman notes that in the intensity of family life, it's easy to see only one explanation for what's happening. You will tend to gravitate towards the interpretation that feels most comfortable and that usually reflects your own emotional inflexibility in that category. When you're caught in the moment, you don't see the full range of possibilities. You see the version of cause and effect that protects you from discomfort. That's why the Symmetry Principle matters. It keeps you from assuming that the most obvious explanation is the accurate one. In the previous example, if you are over-involved, you might tend to think that your child is unmotivated and you need to try harder to motivate them.

This would be easier for you than facing the discomfort of figuring out a way to back off and let the child motivate themself. Or, if you are under-invested, you might think that your child just can't hack it, so instead of facing the discomfort of spending time doing homework with them, you hire a tutor. Nobody gets the problem they can handle. If they could handle it, then it wouldn't be a problem. When you lose sight of symmetry, you drift towards self-serving diagnosis. You start blaming other family members, or you create an identified patient who carries the anxiety for the system. You divide the family into healthy and unhealthy members, which is almost always a distortion of the actual emotional process. The focus shifts to what others are doing wrong, and you become blind to your own part in the pattern. The more anxious the system, the more tempting this becomes. Keeping symmetry in view helps you stay grounded. It reminds you that every reaction is a part of a larger emotional field and that your own reactivity shapes what you see. When you can hold that awareness, you're less likely to diagnose and more likely to observe.

You become more curious about the process and less invested in assigning blame. That shift is what allows you to lead as a non-anxious presence by leaning into the discomfort of functioning differently. Next week, I'll cover how to do that. That's it for episode 384. Remember, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com, and you can find more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. And if you found this episode helpful, please leave a review on your podcast platform of choice and please share it with someone who would benefit. Thanks in advance for your help. Until next time, go be yourself.