Welcome to Episode 375 of The Non-anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. If you have not yet heard, I have released a free AI Family Systems coach called the Non Anxious Life. You can put your situation in there and it will coach you to figure out how to be a non anxious presence and even help you get give you things that you can say in those anxious situations. You can find out all about it at the link in the show notes. And remember it is completely free. And if you're new to this podcast, you can connect with me at jackchristian-leaders.com with your questions, comments and suggestions for future episodes. And you can get more resources at thenon-anxiousleader.com where you can find information about the books that I've written, the courses I offer, my speaking engagements and my coaching practice. You can also subscribe to my two for Tuesday email newsletter at the link in the Show Notes or at the website. And finally, if you would like to support my work for as little as $5 a month, you can get more information at the link in the show Notes.

Thanks in advance for your consideration. And now, without further ado, Here is episode 375 Three Ways We Bind Anxiety and How to Manage Them. The idea for this episode comes from the article Anxiety Bound by Kelly Matthews Pluta. I'll put a link in the show Notes. In the article, she quotes Murray Bowen and Michael Kerr from their book Family Evaluation with the term anxiety binder. They write, quote, there are numerous manifestations of anxiety within an individual, each manifestation reflecting a specific way that anxiety has been B.O. relationships are by far the most effective Anxiety Binder End quote. I'd never heard this term anxiety binder together, so we will explore together. In this episode, I'll cover the ways that we bind anxiety and why it matters so much for families, congregations and organizations. The important point with this idea of anxiety binders is that anxiety never disappears, it just finds a place to go. That's what Bowen and Kerr mean by binding the system absorbs it, redirects it, or settles it somewhere so the group can keep functioning. Once you start seeing this, you can't unsee it. So let's unpack the three ways that anxiety gets bound in Relationship systems.

The first way is triangles. You probably would have guessed this yourself. When tension or anxiety rises between two people or a person and an issue, they almost automatically pull in a third. It's like an emotional circuit overloads and needs somewhere else to dump the excess energy. Instead of staying in the uncomfortable space and working it through, we instinctively look for a third person who feels safe, someone who will listen, validate, or at least absorb some of the discomfort. It feels like relief in the moment, but it's a bit of an illusion. The original anxiety doesn't disappear, it just gets rerouted, like water, finding a new channel when the main path is blocked. And once the third person or issue is pulled in, the dynamic shifts. Now the anxiety is triangled, spread out, diluted, but still very much alive. A frustrated staff member pulls in a co worker to vent. A volunteer upset with a ministry leader confides in a friend. Instead of addressing the issue directly, a church council member who is unhappy with the pastor seeks out another member to process this. None of these moves resolve the core issue. They simply redistribute the anxiety.

It's a natural human impulse, but it prevents a kind of authentic connection that helps people to grow in their relationships and grow in self differentiation. And it makes the system as a whole more anxious, not less. In a triangle, according to Bowen and Kerr, the anxiety didn't get solved, it it was bound. The second way that systems bind anxiety is when symptoms occur in one person. In other words, the system binds anxiety into an individual. And in family systems terms, this is known as the identified patient or the symptom bearer. That person becomes the problem staff member, the difficult volunteer, the burned out pastor, or the overwhelmed board chair. Their struggle becomes the organizing principle for everyone else. It allows them to focus on the identified patient and not on themselves. Meetings, conversations and decisions start orbiting around the stress, performance and emotional state of the identified patient. Instead of people focusing on their own functioning, it's as if the system exhales in relief. The issue is located over there in that one individual, not in the rest of us. This enables everyone else to avoid taking responsibility for self. The focus is on the symptom bearer and not on one own functioning.

And while it may stabilize the organization, it's brutal for the person carrying all that weight. They become the lightning rod for anxiety that actually belongs to the whole relationship system. Their symptoms are the system's way of keeping itself balanced without having to face deeper patterns or harder truths. And until people are willing to look beyond the convenient narrative of the struggling one Nothing really changes. The anxiety just stays bound to the same person who pays the price for everyone else's equilibrium. The third way that we bind anxiety is through reactivity, adaptivity and distance. These are three classic moves people make when anxiety starts to rise. Adaptivity results in fusion, which pulls everyone in too close. People get over involved, oversensitive, and are constantly monitoring each other's moods and decisions. Reactivity lets the anxiety leak out sideways through arguments, turf battles and little explosions that feel personal but are really systemic. And distance is the quiet retreat. People step back, avoid hard conversations, and convince themselves that space equals peace. Each pattern offers temporary relief, but none of them actually address what's driving the tension underneath. What's amazing is how quickly families, congregations and organizations can cycle through all three.

Sometimes before lunch on a Tuesday. One moment everyone is fused, anxiously checking in and over functioning. In the next moment, someone snaps and conflict erupts. And then, just as suddenly, people scatter to opposite corners to cool off, creating distance that feels safer but leaves the real issues untouched. These patterns aren't signs of failure. They're signs of being human. It's the system working to bind anxiety. Naming the patterns gives us a chance to choose something healthier instead of getting swept along by the automatic responses. So now that we've covered what anxiety binders look like, let's look at why this matters for leadership. If you are trying to function as a non anxious leader, here's the important thing to remember. Your job isn't to eliminate anxiety. Your job is to understand where it's going and how the system is managing it. Because the anxiety is always moving and the system is always trying to bind it. When you don't understand how anxiety gets bound, you're susceptible to emotional process. You get triangled. You absorb anxiety that isn't yours. You become the fixer, the rescuer, or the problem. And you react instead of thinking. When you do understand how anxiety binders work, you show up differently.

You stay connected without giving in or getting defensive or aggressive. You stay steady without cutting off. You think clearly in the presence of anxiety instead of reacting to it. And when you function this way, when you are a non anxious presence, the system doesn't need to bind anxiety as intensely. So here's what to look for as a non anxious leader. When people triangle you, instead of jumping in to fix things, listen, stay calm, encourage direct communication and don't take sides. You remain a non anxious presence even as you refuse to become the binder, the anxiety absorber. When the system binds anxiety into one person instead of diagnosing. Instead of focusing on the problem person, ask what anxiety is this person carrying for the group? What patterns are we avoiding by focusing on them? How is the system benefiting from this dynamic? Then work to shift the conversation toward emotional process. You can ask questions like when this happens, who reacts next? Who gets pulled in? What gets avoided? What important conversations are we not having directly? Work to show your care for the identified patient, the symptom bearer, but also work to help others see how anxiety is bound.

This shifts the conversation from blame to understanding when conflict erupts. Instead of escalating or avoiding, try to slow the process down by asking thoughtful questions. Help people think instead of react and keep your own reactivity in check. Learn to self regulate because self regulation is a superpower when systems are anxious. When you are able to regulate your anxiety and remember you will feel anxious inside. But when you're able to self regulate regulate, your non anxious presence becomes the regulating force in the relationship system. And finally, when people are adaptive or over functioning, instead of joining the over involvement, work to clarify roles, encourage responsibility, seek challenge over comfort and model self differentiation. You can help people grow in their own differentiation when you encourage them to lean into challenge and take responsibility for self. When you are a non anxious leader, you are able to manage yourself in the presence of anxiety and when you do this, triangles loosen, conflict becomes less reactive, people stop scapegoating, the problem person often improves and the system becomes more thoughtful, more differentiated and clearer on its mission. The system reorganizes around the leader's maturity and that encourages others to mature.

Also. It's not that anxiety goes away, but it stops running the show and that's the power of a non anxious leader. That's it for episode 375. Remember, you can connect with me at jackristian-leaders.com and you can get more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com and if you found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who would benefit and please leave a review on your podcast platform of choice. Thanks in advance for your help. Until next time, go be yourself. Thank you for listening.