“Unexpressed needs are premeditated resentments.”  Neil Strauss

My wife and I were driving down the road. I asked, “Do you want to listen to a podcast?”

She replied, “No. But I will.”

I realized that I had asked the question incorrectly. Over our many years of marriage, we’ve come to realize that there are things that one of us wants to do, that the other has no interest in doing.

I love podcasts. My wife, not so much. She loves gardening. I’m not a fan.

We’ve learned to ask, “Will you…” instead of “Do you want to…”

The difference is important. Just because she doesn’t want to listen to a podcast doesn’t mean she won’t. She does it because she knows I like it.

Likewise, when she needs help in the garden, I don’t necessarily want to do it. But I WILL do it because it’s important to her. I get satisfaction in that.

Self-differentiation is managing the balance between self-definition and emotional connection.

Sometimes we do things that we don’t want to because we care about the other person. We choose emotional connection over self-definition. When we do this, it’s important to own the choice. If I work in the garden but resent my wife, that’s not healthy. It’s not taking responsibility for my decision.

Other times we choose self-definition over emotional connection. Here’s another conversation.

“Can we listen to a podcast?”

“No. I’d really like some quiet right now.”

“OK, I’ll listen on my earbuds.”

“That’s fine.”

In this case, expressing what we want, self-definition, is important.

Unexpressed needs are premeditated resentments.

If you’re not willing to self-define, for whatever reason, that’s on you.

Take responsibility for it. And, if you express your need and the other doesn’t want to meet it, that’s OK, too. If the other doesn’t have the choice to say no, you’re not self-differentiating, you’re demanding.

That’s emotional dependency. You’re expecting the other to meet your needs, even if they don’t want to.

Marshall Rosenberg, the developer of Non-Violent Communication, notes that you can tell the difference between a request and a demand by how you respond when the other says no.

Non-anxious leaders know that it’s important to self-define, to express their wants and needs. It’s also important to give others the freedom to choose how to respond. If not, you’re asking for resentment, either yours or the other’s.

It’s all about taking responsibility for self.