All cultures have social norms. Whether it’s a family, congregation, organization or even nation, there are unwritten rules that dictate acceptable social behavior. In family systems terms, this is surrounding togetherness pressure, that is, the pressure to conform to the norms of the relationship system.
If you’ve ever experienced family pressure to pursue a certain career path or to visit on a certain holiday, then you’ve experienced surrounding togetherness pressure. The same is true anytime a church member says, “We’ve always done it this way before.”
In family systems theory, self-differentiation is the ability to express your own goals and values in non-anxious ways in the midst of surrounding togetherness pressure. There are two components to self-differentiation.
The first is self-definition. This is the ability to express your goals and values without requiring others to agree with you. When you say, “I’ve decided not to go to graduate school,” when that’s the expected path in your family, you are self-defining.
The second component of self-differentiation is emotional connection. This is showing care and concern for the other, even as you decide not to comply with surrounding togetherness pressure. “I know you’re disappointed that I’m not going to graduate school,” fosters emotional connection by showing you understand the other.
The key to being a non-anxious presence is the ability to hold self-definition and emotional connection in tension. The research by Stanford Professor Michele Gelfand on the psychological and cultural differences between “tight” and “loose” mindsets sheds light on this tension.
A tight mindset is characterized by strong social norms, strict rules, and low tolerance for deviance. Societies and individuals with a tight mindset prioritize order, predictability, and conformity. They tend to have clear, well-defined behavioral expectations and are quick to enforce social standards. This approach can provide stability and coordination, particularly in challenging environments or during times of threat, where clear guidelines help groups survive and function effectively.
A tight mindset is focused on emotional connection. It puts relationship over autonomy and community over individuality. As noted, this results in more stability and better coordination in the relationship system. The downside is that individuals can feel repressed when they must constantly give in to surrounding togetherness pressure.
Conversely, a loose mindset embraces flexibility, creativity, and individual variation. Loose cultures and individuals are more permissive, with relaxed social norms and greater acceptance of different behaviors and perspectives. They value innovation, personal expression, and adaptability. While a loose mindset can foster creativity and personal growth, it can sometimes lead to less social coordination and potential chaos.
A loose mindset is focused on self-definition. It allows for greater individual freedom but, as noted, it can lead to disorder and even chaos.
Gelfand’s research suggests that neither mindset is inherently superior; instead, the effectiveness of a tight or loose approach depends on the specific context, environmental challenges, and cultural dynamics. The most successful societies and individuals can dynamically adjust their tightness or looseness in response to changing circumstances.
The same is true for self-differentiation. The ability to balance the need for self-definition and emotional connection in any situation is the key to being a non-anxious presence.
Here are two examples:
- When a family gathering degenerates into political conflict, saying, “It’s OK if we disagree. I care too much about our relationship to allow this to divide us,” emphasizes emotional connection. You might want to press forward with what you believe, but you realize it will only result in a conflict of wills where the other gets more entrenched in their position.
- When a congregation is stuck because of its grief over a decades long decline, self-definition, especially from a leader, is essential. Saying, “I’m worried that if we don’t do something differently, we are going to die. Here’s where I believe God is leading us,” emphasizes self-definition, while maintain a sense of emotional connection. You might want to give in to surrounding togetherness pressure, but that will keep the congregation stuck.
Self-differentiation is more art than science. It’s caring about relationships but also knowing that leadership means taking a stand. If you can do this while keeping your own anxiety in check, you can lead as a non-anxious presence. This is how positive change happens. It’s not easy, but it’s better than being stuck.
