Christopher Voss was once the lead international hostage negotiator for the FBI. I can only imagine the importance of being a non-anxious presence in those situations. The situations that make us anxious may not be life or death, but there are definitely times where we feel held hostage by the anxiety of others (or our own).
Voss founded his own business communications consulting firm after leaving the FBI. Among other things, Voss suggests using three techniques in business negotiations. I believe they can be helpful when trying to maintain a non-anxious presence in your family, congregation or organization.
Voss prefaces these techniques by advising the negotiator to slow down, smile and use a friendly and/or calm tone of voice. These are outward manifestations of a non-anxious presence, even if you are feeling anxiety inside. Very few of us are so self-differentiated that we can be a non-anxious presence naturally. This means we have to be intentional in how we act and what we say.
I’ll preface this by noting that the only way to get to the point of being a non-anxious presence more naturally is to do family of origin work. If you’ve followed my writings, you know this means re-working the relationships that cause you the most anxiety to the point that you are able to take non-anxious, emotional stands.
This is hard work. And, even when you get to that point, your brain has been so conditioned to react anxiously that it requires great intentionality for you to be able to maintain a non-anxious presence. This is where these techniques can be helpful.
One: Ask questions that require “No” for an answer
This is counter-intuitive. Most negotiating advice I have seen is to try to get other people to say yes. That was certainly what I was taught when I was in insurance sales. Voss notes that most people are onto the “getting to yes” technique. They feel manipulated into committing to something, which makes them defensive.
Voss puts it this way:
People will do things that aren’t in their best interest, just to prove to you that they have autonomy. If you make it clear to them that it’s okay to say “no”, then you help them feel autonomous which makes them more collaborative. You call somebody up on the phone and say, “Have you got a few minutes to talk?” That will make anybody tighten up. Immediately they want to say “no” to that, because they know if they say “yes”, they’re going to get hooked in and be kept on the phone. The opposite is to say, “Is now a bad time to talk?”
Here are some examples of this type of question:
- Would it be a bad idea if….
- Would you be against…
- Would it be out of the question if…
These may not come naturally. Slowing down your speech may give you more time to think about how to phrase a “no” question. Preparing in advance will help, as well. You often know from whom the anxiety will come. So you can think through, or even role play, how you expect those interactions to go down, and practice your no questions in advance.
The whole point of the “no” question is to build rapport. It’s the first step in bringing the anxiety level down.
Two: Say, “It seems like…” or “It sounds like you…”
This is classic reflective listening. It shows that you understand how the other is feeling. This communicates empathy, which helps to foster emotional connection. Notice that when you make this kind of statement you are not agreeing, you are showing you understand.
Again, you may be able to practice this in advance. You can certainly practice this in low-stress situations in your family, congregation or organization. It’s never bad to show you understand how another feels.
Three: Ask, “How am I supposed to do that?”
This is not in a whining or sarcastic sense. The idea is to help the other person see your side of the situation. So rather than getting defensive you can ask, “How would you suggest I achieve this?“
This creates what Voss calls “reverse empathy.” It forces the other to think about your situation. He says:
You want to make the other side take an honest look at your situation. It’s the first way of saying “no” where you’re doing a lot of things simultaneously. You’re making the other side take a look at you. You make them feel in control, because it’s a good “how” question. You don’t want to say it as an accusation. You want to say it deferentially, because there’s great power in deference. You want to find out if they’re going to collaborate with you. 9 times out of 10, you get a response that’s really very good.
By doing this you are not arguing or defending. You are listening and allowing the other to express themselves. It can help to bring the anxiety in the situation down. Voss would ask the “how” question continually in hostage negotiations. “How do we know the hostage is safe?” “How are we supposed to get that kind of money?” “How do we deliver the ransom money to you?”
At some point, the other may get fed up and say, “Figure it out yourself!” That’s when it’s time to say, “OK, thank you for sharing.” You did your best to be a non-anxious presence, while not allowing the anxiety of the other to define you. The key here is to stay emotionally connected. When you withdraw or disconnect from another because their anxiety makes you feel uncomfortable it will make them more anxious. Voss’ approach is one way to stay connected without being held hostage.
As I mentioned, the best way to grow as a non-anxious presence is to do your family of origin work. But it never hurts to have tools that help you. I’m adding these to my tool box.
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I'm Jack Shitama; author, speaker, teacher and coach. I have spent three decades helping congregational and nonprofit leaders learn how to lead as a non-anxious presence.
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