It’s the most wonderful time of year. Except when it’s not. Those who are grieving, lonely or in conflict would disagree with that sentiment.

Even if you don’t fit this description, you can run into your fair share of anxiety, either your own or that of others. The combination of increased social activity, and even a moderate amount of gift purchasing, can put us on edge. Combine that with the surrounding togetherness pressure that comes from family traditions and it can become a challenging time.

So how do you handle it when anxious others are trying to define you instead of themselves? What do you do when others make their own happiness dependent upon your willingness to conform? Here are three suggestions.

Don’t Argue.

The worst thing you can do when faced with the anxiety of others is to get defensive or try to convince the other that you are right they are wrong. Usually this is a losing battle. Giving someone the fight they are looking for actually helps them to avoid taking responsibility for themselves. And it just heightens the anxiety of the situation.

Marshall Goldsmith is a world-renowned business educator and coach, recognized in 2011 as the #1 leadership thinker in the world at the bi-annual Thinkers50 ceremony sponsored by the Harvard Business Review. In his book, Triggers: Creating Behavior that Lasts—Becoming the Person You Want to Be, he shares a story about Amy, a fifty-one-year-old senior executive at a media company,

“Amy described a close mother-daughter relationship, perhaps too close. Her mother was in her late seventies and they spoke daily, but the conversation was governed by sniping and petty arguments. Parent and child were each engaged in a zero-sum game of proving herself right and the other wrong. ‘Love by a thousand cuts,’ Amy called it. One day, triggered by her mother’s mortality and the realization that neither of them was getting younger, Amy decided on a truce. She didn’t tell her mother about it. She simply refused to engage in the verbal skirmishing. When her mother made a judgmental remark Amy let it hang in the air like a noxious cloud, waiting for it to vaporize from neglect. With her daughter unwilling to counterpunch, Mom soon stopped punching. And vice versa.”

Anxiety that is met with resistance will multiply. Without resistance, it will, as Goldsmith says, “vaporize from neglect.”

Don’t Agree (unless you mean it).

Just because you don’t argue or get defensive doesn’t mean you have to agree. In fact, if you give in and agree when you don’t really mean it, this only encourages the other to continue to define you; because it works.

Combining this with the next step will help.

Stay Emotionally Connected.

The worst thing you can do in situations like this is to disconnect emotionally. It will only heighten the anxiety of the other. Instead find ways to show that you value your relationship.

Here are some phrases you can use that combine the ideas of not arguing, not agreeing and staying connected.

I love you too much to argue about this.

I’m sorry you feel that way because I care about our relationship.

I will miss being with you all.

I think you get the idea. If you can develop a repertoire of short meaningful statements where you don’t argue, don’t agree and stay connected, you can manage your own anxiety and (hopefully) help reduce the anxiety in the situation.

Why does this matter for leadership? Because, in general, our families of origin create the most anxiety producing situations. If you can learn to handle it there, you will be better equipped to handle it anywhere. Especially with those with whom you work and serve.