I like to be right, even to the point of arrogance. I’m not proud of it. I’m working on it. But without self-awareness and intentionality it’s my default mode. I like to be right.

One legendary story in our family says it all.

Some time ago a friend of our teenage son came to live with us. He didn’t have many options, and we thought it was the best thing for him. I still think it was.

But as happens with teenagers, there was conflict. It didn’t happen right away. We were all on our best behavior for a while. But after about a year, things started to get real.

One night my son’s friend and I got into an argument over something he had done. I can’t recall what it was about (process, not content), but it escalated into a shouting match.

I must have been emphatic that I was right because he blurted out with all the sarcasm he could muster, “Of course you’re right! YOU’RE Jack Shitama!”

Ouch.

When I get arrogant or when they just want to needle me, my family will remind me that “YOU’RE Jack Shitama.”

Which gets me to the problem with being right.

The family systems concept is called the conflict of wills. It occurs when we feel we need to convince others of our rightness AND to get them to agree with us. It’s about defining others, not just ourselves. It’s also about creating pressure for others to conform to our will.

The problem is that it rarely goes well. People don’t like being told what to do or what to think. Trying to convince them of our rightness implies that if they disagree, they are wrong. They’re either with us or against us.

And while this approach may win over a few converts, it is more likely to create intractable opponents and increased anxiety in the system.

Self-differentiation takes a different approach. Rather than setting up a conflict of wills, it focuses on creating a healthy emotional space by being a non-anxious presence.

You still may believe you’re right, but if you are self-differentiated, you feel no need to convince others to agree with you. You are comfortable in knowing what you believe, and you are comfortable when others disagree.

Interestingly, when two self-differentiated people have a discussion, they are actually more likely to change each other’s minds. Why? Because they actually listen to each other. When someone is telling you something without trying to change your mind, you are more likely to actually hear what they are saying. And, to the extent that you are self-differentiated, you realize that the only person you can change is yourself.

To me this is the difference between humility and arrogance. Humility is knowing what you believe, but that you might also be wrong. It’s about defining yourself and not others.

Arrogance is the opposite. It’s believing I’m right and if you don’t agree with me, you’re wrong.

I like to be right. I’m working on being humble.