One person can change a system.
I’ve seen this happen over and over in families of origin, congregations and organizations. A non-anxious presence has a positive impact on themselves and the people around them. It’s important to understand that this power is different than authority or the ability to control others. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. It’s about positive influence and helping others be their best. Here’s how it works.
Self-differentiation encourages others to step up
When non-anxious leaders take responsibility for themselves (and nobody else) they encourage others to do the same. When a system is anxious and stuck, there are some, if not many, who would like to define themselves in healthy ways, but they hold back. The costs of doing so are too high because the reactivity of the highly anxious is so unpleasant.
When you self-differentiate, especially in the face of surrounding togetherness pressure, those who have been holding back gain the courage to say what they believe while giving others the freedom to disagree. When this happens it creates momentum and inspiration for those who want to be a non-anxious presence.
It will impact the most anxious, as well.
Health infects ill-health
I heard Steve Cuss use this phrase on his Managing Leadership Anxiety Podcast as he was doing a family systems take on the TV series Ted Lasso (Side note: I was a guest on Season 6, Episode 9 back in March).
The idea here is that a healthy leader promotes an environment that encourages others to get healthy. When you are a non-anxious presence you create the emotional space necessary for others to take responsibility for self instead of blaming others. This is not easy work, and it takes time, but it does happen. There will be resistance and pushback from those who are unable to define themselves in healthy ways and want to unload their anxiety on you.
Stay the course.
Self-regulation AND emotional connection create a tipping point
The most important thing you can do as a non-anxious leader is to regulate your own anxiety. If you are defensive or argumentative with those who are anxious both you and the system will be stuck.
On the other hand if you are able to self-regulate, you create healthy emotional space. This will make the most anxious very uncomfortable, which will likely intensify their anxiety. But if you can remain a non-anxious presence, you create a situation where others will more likely take responsibility for themselves instead of blaming or defining others.
For this to happen, you need to move closer emotionally to the most anxious. This is counterintuitive. What we want to do is distance ourselves because, frankly, who wants to deal with somebody who’s telling us how wrong we are. However distancing will increase their anxiety.
Moving closer emotionally means connecting in a way that shows you care about them as a person even as you refuse to take responsibility for their issues. When you are able to do this and persist through their intense anxiety you will convert them from an opponent to an ally.
No matter how bad you think things are, positive change is possible. I have a colleague who was assigned to a church that had a reputation for chewing up and spitting out their pastors. It took her years of persistence through loads of crap, but she worked to remain a non-anxious presence.
About five years in, I was talking with her, and she said she felt like she wasn’t making any headway. Ironically, I had recently heard another colleague comment that the word he was hearing was that she was “whipping this congregation into shape,” meaning that good things were happening there, and it seemed like the congregation was moving forward in a positive way.
One non-anxious leader can make a difference. You can be that leader.
