It was a little thing, compared to everything that’s happened this year. I’m grateful for so much. Our daughter got married, our son told us they’re expecting our second grandchild, and I’ve been able to reach some important professional milestones. So, it may be hyperbole to say that it’s the best thing I did all year. But, at that moment, it felt that way.
I write this from Cape Hatteras, NC. This is the 22nd straight Thanksgiving week that our extended family has spent on the Outer Banks. It’s a great week with lots of family time. Our grandson, Thomas, is here for his third straight year. He is one of the 19 people here this week.
This means there is constant activity in the main living area, which is on the fourth floor of a large house. This can be super-stimulating for Thomas. At times he gets excited, running around squealing. At others, he’s overwhelmed, and pretty much refuses to do anything.
It was one of these latter times that I suggested to Thomas that we take out the trash. He was skeptical, but he agreed. The best part of it was the elevator ride. It’s a large house and is wheelchair accessible, so there’s an elevator. Thomas loved everything about the elevator. He pushed the button to do down, watched the numbers change as we descended, and the did it again to go back up. In between, we held hands as I carried the garbage out to the can. We walked slowly and enjoyed the moment. When we returned to the fray, he was a different guy. The next day he was still talking about it.
I realized in this moment that what makes the grandparent relationship different is the lack of pressure. When you’re raising kids the stakes are high. Everything depends on you, or so it seems. Not so with grandkids. We can feel free to let them be who they are. We can celebrate our moments with them without worrying about what this means for their future or what we’ll need to do next to prepare them. If only we could have done this with our kids. But that’s not the nature of things. Parents have a role, and so do grandparents.
This moment was a reminder of the power of a non-anxious presence. When we’re able to be with those we care about without placing our expectations on them, we can help them deal with their own anxieties. It works with a super-stimulated, overwhelmed two-year-old. It works with just about anybody.
The difference is in us. When we realize it’s not up to us to help someone else be their best, they have the best chance to be their best. When we are able to resist the will to form others in our own image, our own anxiety levels go down. It’s then that we can be our best self, which does the same for others.
Grandparenting is easy compared to parenting or leading a group of people. In some ways, being a non-anxious presence for our grandkids comes naturally. If we can somehow transfer that to our other relationships, we’d all be better off.
