I recently attended a lecture at the Center for Family Process. The Center was co-founded by Edwin Friedman, author of Generation to Generation. It is where he shared much of his wisdom before his death in 1996. Friedman believed the most important role of a leader is to be a non-anxious presence.
Many attendees at the lecture have been participating for years, including the time when “Ed” was alive. One of them shared that “Ed” often listed six measures of effective leadership.
I was floored.
I have been studying the family systems approach to leadership since 1991. I had never seen this. During the break I rushed to ask about it. I was told that “Ed” often listed out these six criteria. I wrote them down.
It’s helpful to know Friedman’s definition of leadership through self-differentiation:
“The basic concept of leadership through self-differentiation is this. If a leader will take primary responsibility for his or her own goals and self, while staying in touch with the rest of the organism, there is more than a reasonable chance that the body will follow. There may be initial resistance but, if the leader can stay in touch with the resisters, the body will usually go along. (Generation to Generation, p. 229)
I googled to see if I could find any articles by Friedman on the six measures, but couldn’t find anything. Zilch. I will share them, with my own comments, interpreting what I think Friedman would say. Here they are.
Vision
Your primary role as a leader is to have vision. Leading is about moving forward and vision means you know where you’re going. You may not always be correct, but if you aren’t trying to discern where you should be headed, you aren’t doing your job as a leader.
Self-differentiation is about defining your own goals and values amidst surrounding togetherness pressures. Vision is defining those goals and values.
What matters to you? Where do you think God is leading? What is the next step?
People want to be led. They want to know where they’re headed. Your role as a leader is to articulate that. You don’t have to have all the answers. You don’t need to know the entire path to the goal. You DO need an idea of the desired outcome AND what is the next step.
If you don’t share where you’re headed, those you work with will get anxious. And anxiety is poison.
The Envelope
This is Friedman’s term. If vision is the letter, than the envelope is how it’s delivered. This is not about methods, such as speeches, powerpoints, memos and vision statements. This is about being a non-anxious presence.
When you articulate your vision, can you do it in a non-anxious way, giving others the freedom to disagree?
Reaction to Sabotage
Vision is about change, and sabotage is inevitable when you are leading change. Those who are least emotionally mature will start to act out. They are usually not aware they’re doing it. It’s an automatic response to their own discomfort with change.
Sabotage is sometimes seen as an anxious-laden tirade about where you are headed. It more often comes in the form of some other attack. The issue could be anything: how you dress; the budget; whether the hymns are played too slowly; or whether the family that volunteers to clean the church should have to provide the toilet paper at their own expense (I’m told that a church actually split over this last issue. Really.).
What’s important is that the content of the issue is irrelevant. When sabotage is at work, it is the process of people picking fights that undermines the change effort.
Your role as a leader is to maintain a non-anxious presence through this process. This requires you to regulate your own anxiety so it doesn’t exacerbate the problem. It means not arguing the content of the issue with those who are making trouble. And, most importantly, it means staying emotionally connected to those making trouble. This last thing is the hardest thing to do.
Staying Connected
The last thing in the world you want to do when people are making trouble is to stay connected with them. It’s counter-intuitive. Why would you want to get more into the muck?
But the worst thing you can do is disconnect. This will make the resistors even more anxious and more disruptive.
Remaining a non-anxious presence in the midst of sabotage means you don’t get sucked into the petty battles that emerge, but you DO stay connected to those who are fighting them. This is the hardest part of leadership. It is also the most critical.
Stamina
The more anxious the system you lead, the more intense the sabotage you will face. In a chronically anxious system, it could take years of leading change as a non-anxious presence before there are enough healthy people to reduce that intensity. Most leaders don’t have the stamina.
What can you do?
First, do your own work. Look into your own family of origin to learn what makes you anxious and how you can rework those relationships. Then work to be a non-anxious presence in those relationships and settings that make you most anxious. It will help you to do that everywhere, but especially as a leader. It will also reduce your overall anxiety, which will increase your stamina.
Second, keep things in perspective. Facing sabotage can consume you. It can make you feel like it’s the only thing in the world. It’s not. The best thing you can do is to focus on things that bring you joy, especially if they are not connected the system you are leading. When you have a hobby or other personal pursuit, it is an outlet for stress and a source of positive energy. Finally, don’t let the sabotage dominate your relationships. When you are with those you care about, talk about things other than the sabotage you are facing.
Leadership is hard. But, if you do these two things, you can sustain a non-anxious presence over a long period of time. If you do, you will be amazed at the results.
Managing Your Own Loneliness
It’s lonely at the top. That’s what they say. If you are a leader, you are the top of something, whether it’s a family, work group, committee, church, organization or business. The “higher” up you are, the lonelier it gets.
Doing the things I mentioned in the Stamina section will help. But, here are two more suggestions.
First, invest in personal relationships. Your friends and family are a tremendous gift as a leader. They will not only support you in your efforts, they will help you to maintain a healthy outlook on your leadership. So don’t suck them dry. Give yourself to those you care about more than you ask from them. Doing this is not only life-giving, it will help prevent the loneliness that comes from leading.
Second, connect with peers in your vocation or profession. One of the things I notice about professional or trade associations is that they are a combination of professional development and support group. These people get you. They understand what you are going through in a way that few others can.
You don’t need to participate formally or in person. I am in a covenant group with United Methodist clergy that meets about once a month. It’s self-guided and informal. We’re there to connect and support each other. I’m also in a group of camp and retreat leaders from the northeast. We meet electronically once a month and follow a guided discussion. The important part of each of these groups is they are people I respect and who understand what I face as a leader. That’s priceless.
How are you doing as a leader? Take some time to reflect on these six measures of effectiveness. I am grateful that I came across them. That’s why I share them with you. Let me know what you think.
