Being and belonging are essential to who we are. According to mimetic theory, the way we go about this is more harmful than helpful. Working toward self-differentiation can help.
Show Notes:
Secrets about People: A Short and Dangerous Introduction to René Girard by Alex Danco
The Key to Move from Imitation to Differentiation: How Mimetic Theory Unlocks the Workplace by David Gornoski and J. Lenora Bresler
Welcome to Episode 89 of the Non-Anxious Leader podcast, I'm Jack Shitama, and today I'm going to break down the idea of Mimetic Theory, which was developed by French historian and social science philosopher Rene Girard. [00:00:50.670] [00:01:27.030] [00:01:39.620] [00:01:51.920] [00:02:20.570] [00:02:33.530] [00:03:04.250] [00:03:18.110] [00:03:33.160] [00:04:10.280] [00:04:20.870] [00:04:58.310] [00:05:24.170] [00:05:34.070] [00:06:03.190] [00:06:11.590] [00:06:49.270] [00:08:29.110] [00:08:57.480] [00:09:22.370] [00:09:45.990] [00:10:02.640] [00:10:30.040] [00:10:44.160] [00:10:56.510] [00:11:25.340] [00:11:35.510] [00:11:47.510] [00:12:10.630] [00:12:52.870] [00:13:24.060] [00:13:47.120] [00:14:05.540] [00:14:12.970] [00:14:54.430] [00:15:24.730]
The term mimetic essentially means to mimic or imitate. And the key concept in this theory is the idea of mimetic desire, which simply means our desire to imitate. I came across Girard's work through a coaching client who is an executive in a tech startup. Girard's work has become well known in the tech world, primarily through Peter Thiel, who was a co-founder of PayPal. Thiel claims that Girard's material has greatly influenced his worldview.
When I started studying Mimetic Theory, I ran across some familiar terms, such as distance and differentiation. However, they mean something different in his work than they do in family systems theory.
I'm still pondering how much of mimetic theory I'm buying. I think it definitely makes some important points. But like all things, even family systems theory, I don't know that it explains everything.
What I do think is that this theory of mimetic desire can help us think more deeply about self-differentiation and what makes it difficult. Much of what I learned about mimetic theory comes from an article by Alex Danco, which I will share in the show notes The basic principle of mimetic desire is that what we desire is not objects or things, but we desire to imitate others.
A mistake we make is thinking that the basis of our desire is an object, experience or achievement rather than the desire being to be and to belong.
According to Girard, we learn to imitate others and that is the heart of our desire. We mimic patterns of desire. Think keeping up with the Joneses. And when we find someone we like and respect, we don't want what they have for the sake of what they have. We want what they have to be like them. Of course, this idea of being and belonging resonates with family systems theory. Self-differentiation is all about being and belonging and the tension between the two.
It's the ability to know what we believe, to claim our own goals and values, in the midst of surrounding togetherness pressure. Self-differentiation is about appropriately navigating the tension between being and belonging.
Sometimes we need to lean towards self-definition, which is all about being. Sometimes we need to learn towards belonging, which is the pressure to conform to the norms of the system. We do this to maintain relationships within the system.
Being self-differentiated means we know how to balance both. We know how to be a self, but we also know that we are part of a system and that belonging matters. The difficult part comes when we are at either extreme. When the pressure to conform, the desire to belong becomes, so great that we lose the idea of who we are, we we lose the ability to claim our goals and values. On the other hand, when we claim our own goals and values, when we self-define so much that we disconnect emotionally from others in the system, that's not good either.
The idea in memetic theory is that being and belonging are wrapped up in this desire to mimic or imitate others.
Danco writes, "Girard calls these people the 'mediators' or the 'models' for our desire at a deep neurological level. When we watch other people and pattern our desires off theirs, we are not so much acquiring a desire for that object, so much as learning to mimic somebody and striving to become them or become like them. Girard calls this phenomenon mimetic desire. We don't want. We want to be. Status like with many things is ultimately zero-sum in nature. Models and their admirers eventually and inevitably become rivals.
Mutual desire will inevitably turn them into competitors, and the intensity of competition has little to do with the value of the object itself. What matters, again, is the interpersonal relationship. We admire our models for being our inspiration and we simultaneously come to resent them and hate them for being our obstacle and rival."
The idea of mimetic theory is that the whole way of being for human beings, the natural way that we want to be, is to mimic others.
But that presents a challenge because when we mimic others, we ultimately feel like we are going to be in competition with them. So what starts out as admiration and respect can often develop into competition and conflict, which can lead to destroyed relationships and even violence. The more we desire to be like someone else, the more likely it is they go from role model to competitor and rival.
According to Girard. There are three ways to avoid this competition and conflict.
Girard contends that one way to avoid conflict with those we mimic is through distance. The further we are from someone, the harder it is to truly mimic them, therefore, the less likely we are to engage in conflict with them. Conversely, the closer somebody is, the more intense the relationship and the more likely there will be competition and conflict. Like family systems, I think of distance in terms of emotional space, not physical distance. One could be very close to someone who is across the country or world, whether it's a family member, a colleague, a mentor or a co-worker.
And according to Girard, family is the most intense form of conflict. Family systems theory certainly resonates with that. Danco writes, "Here's where Girard's powers of observation begin to uncover the non-obvious and important. When our role model is far away, we continually praise them and draw comparisons between ourselves and them whenever possible. But when our model is close, they're our peer or co-worker, our neighbor or even a family member, we do the opposite. We desperately hide the fact that they are the model for our admiration and jealousy. As our mimicry intensifies, we will progressively go to greater lengths in order to disguise our feelings. And what initially was a feeling of admiration will mutate into envy that we desperately try to hide. We begin to do all sorts of things that seem out of character, attack our model for all various reasons. Slander them, sabotage them, do our best to ruin them (I had a boss once who compulsively took positions both personally and professionally, that were the exact opposite of one of his peers who was seen in the community as more successful than he was). Furthermore, because they're our peer, odds are that they will symmetrically feel the same things towards us: an initial desire to imitate and impress, which yields to envy and descends into symmetric hostility that mirrors and amplifies itself. We don't fight because we're different. We fight because we're the same."
So according to mimetic theory, the closer one is to someone that one mimics in this pattern of desire, the more likely it is that conflict will occur. And so to keep distance from somebody that you might admire and respect, in other words, to keep distance so that you don't end up in this conflict, is one way to mitigate the potential problems that come from mimicking.
The second thing that Girard says will mitigate mimetic desire and therefore conflict is differentiation in terms of hierarchy or status. Girard maintains that tribal societies, caste systems and even monarchies have the effect of creating differentiation. If you have no hope of ever being king or queen, then you are less likely to imitate and feel competitive with them.
Danco writes, "We can think of hierarchies as trading one kind of justice for another kind of justice. Hierarchies may not fit well with our modern concept of fairness or equality, but they are generally successful at establishing differentiation that suppresses mimetic violence. Hierarchy establishes distance between us."
So according to mimetic theory, the challenge here is that if we believe in a world where people are essentially equal, then that eliminates differentiation in terms of rank or status that might be present in a more hierarchical society.
However, according to Gerard, one source of differentiation is religion. Because God is all powerful, we cannot ever think that we can be God. And God is also distant from us. So in that respect, mimicking God, or having our desire to be God, actually helps establish differentiation in a social system.
Finally, scapegoating can avoid competition, conflict and even violence. This is the ultimate in triangling. It helps two people who are in competition with each other to avoid their conflict by blaming a third.
And as we know from family systems theory, this enables the two who are in conflict to avoid the discomfort between them by focusing on the third; by scapegoating the third.
To the extent that Girard's theory rings true, I believe that self-differentiation is the key to creating healthy emotional distance, and avoiding competition and conflict. Self-differentiation is the opposite of mimetic desire. Rather than defining ourselves based on how we compare it to others. We define ourselves based on what we believe and value.
To me, this takes a tremendous amount of reflection, self-awareness and intentionality to avoid getting caught up in mimetic desire.
Here are three things I think you can do to be a non-anxious leader that minimizes mimetic desire in the system you lead and in yourself.
The first is to imitate God. Girard distinguishes between external and internal models. An internal model is someone who is closer to you, a family member, a neighbor, a colleague, and with whom competition and conflict are likely. An external model is someone who is far enough from you in both rank and distance that conflict is impossible.
And of course, as I mentioned, religion puts God forth as this ultimate external model. And for me, this specifically means Jesus. In the Christian tradition. We believe that over time, God's grace can make us more in the image of Jesus. That is, we are more able to love others unconditionally. The self-differentiation part of this is being able to internalize these values and then being able to express them in healthy ways, giving emotional space to others and resisting the pressure to conform to the norms of the system, which tends to make us more selfish and more self-centered.
I will post a link to an article from the Florida HR review that is on Mimetic Theory. In that article, one of their suggestions is for leaders to deflect praise to external role models. Since God is the ultimate external role model, to praise God not only helps avoid mimetic desire, but it is also good theology, because in the Christian faith we believe that nothing good that we do is done apart from the grace of God.
The second thing you can do to be a non-anxious leader is to stay focused on the mission of your church or organization. This is always good advice because it models that you are more concerned about achieving the mission than you are your own personal goals. If people decide to imitate your desire for missional effectiveness, this is a good thing.
And finally, be aware of when you are comparing yourself to others. In terms of self-differentiation, this is understanding when you are defining yourself in relation to others, instead of defining yourself in terms of your own values, your own goals.
Ask yourself, where is this coming from? Why do I feel the need to compare myself?
This kind of self-awareness will help you take responsibility for yourself rather than getting sucked in by mimetic desire. This is also true of the system you lead. Comparing your church or organization to others, risks losing your focus and making decisions that are based on comparison and competition, not on what's best for the mission. Peter Thiel maintains this is one of his big takeaways from Girard's mimetic theory. In summary, to the extent that mimetic theory is true, it emphasizes even more the importance of self-differentiation in our society.
I do not want to go back to a hierarchical society, I believe in the equality of all and want to work for that kind of justice. We're not there yet, but if we are going to get there, we need self-differentiated leaders. We need non-anxious leaders who are able to focus on who they believe God is calling them to be, while at the same time not comparing themselves to others, and giving others the freedom to become themselves as well.
To me, this is the essence of leadership through self-differentiation.
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