Goal Direction and self-differentiation go hand-in-hand. This episode explores what this looks like and how it applies to leadership.
Show Notes:
The Bowen Center Professional Lecture Series Podcast, Goal Direction and Family Functioning, Philip Klever, MSW.
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Welcome to Episode 88 the Non-Anxious Leader podcast, I'm Jack Shitama, and in today's episode, I am going to make a connection between goal direction and self differentiation and of course, what that means for the non anxious leader.
I am basing this on a lecture I heard through the Bowen Center for the Study of the Family podcast out of Georgetown University. The presenters name is Phillip Klever. He has a master of social work, and practices in Kansas City, Missouri. And over the course of about 20 years, he did a longitudinal study of families that he was treating. He was trying to make a connection between healthy functioning and goal direction. And when we think of goal direction, we're thinking about people who actually have goals.
They set them. They work towards them. In terms of leadership, we might think of this in terms of vision. We have a sense of where we want to go and how we want to get there. So goal direction is this idea that we are thinking about our future and we are working towards it. And of course, if we think about self differentiation, self differentiation is the ability to claim one's own goals and values, to express them in a healthy way in the midst of surrounding togetherness pressures.
So goal direction is in essence a part of self differentiation. I don't want to get too deep into the details in terms of Klever's longitudinal study, but the essence of it was he found that there is a correlation between greater gold direction and fewer psychological symptoms in the family of origin.
Now, remember, that correlation is not causation.
So we don't know exactly whether it is goal direction that causes fewer symptoms or perhaps the family is healthier and they have fewer symptoms and greater goal direction. But in either case, he also makes a connection to self differentiation. And it is in this connection that I really want to spend our time today.
The part of Klever's presentation that caught my attention was a series of eight couplets. In these couplets were explanations of people who had higher levels of differentiation versus people who had lower levels of differentiation and how that impacted goal direction. Now, this was in the family, but I think the application also applies to leadership, because if we have effective goal direction as leaders, we are going to be more of a non-anxious leader. We are going to be able to lead through self differentiation.
So I'm going to go through these a couplets and then I will unpack them in terms of what I think it means for the non-anxious leader. So let's get into it.
Before we get into these differences between higher and lower levels of differentiation in terms of goal direction, I think it's helpful to be reminded of the difference between extrinsic and intrinsic motivation. Extrinsic motivation is a motivation that comes from things outside of ourselves; that come from external factors and intrinsic motivation comes from things within us such as our goals and values.
For example, two people may give great effort in a business, but one of them wants to get promoted and have titles and have status and respect and perhaps wealth and accumulate things that people will admire. Whereas the other is really focused on achieving the mission of the organization because it aligns with their own individual values and aligns with their own purpose. And so you can see the difference between the external and the internal or the extrinsic and intrinsic motivation. This is really important because you will see as we go through these differences between high differentiation and low differentiation, that the former, high differentiation, tends to come from intrinsic motivation and lower differentiation comes from extrinsic.
And I will make a connection to surrounding togetherness pressure as we go along. You will probably figure that out on your own.
The first difference that Klever mentions is that at high levels of differentiation, people have clear goals and at low levels of differentiation, they have no goals or a sporadic pursuit of goals. So high levels of differentiation is an expression of one's own goals and values. And that expression manifests itself in goal direction, whereas at low levels of differentiation, it's not as evident. It's not as clear that people even have goals. Or if they do, that they're able to express those values, those goals in a way where they actually work towards them.
A second difference is that at higher levels of self differentiation, goals are based on principles and values, that intrinsic motivation, whereas at lower levels of self differentiation, goals are based on anxiety and relationships. And you can see where this is where surrounding togetherness pressure comes in. So a self differentiated person may seek to achieve something based on their own intrinsic values, whereas a lower differentiated person will seek to achieve a goal based on what they are perceiving in the system around them.
The anxiety or the surrounding togetherness pressure, perhaps to please an important family member or to conform to the norms of a family of origin. If we think of self differentiation as having two components, one is self definition, the ability to define one's own goals and values and express them in a healthy way, and emotional connection, that is the ability to stay connected to people emotionally, not just self-defined, but actually to be connected, to be in relationship in a healthy way.
What this difference reflects is that higher differentiated people, better differentiated people are able to self define even in the midst of surrounding togetherness, pressure, whereas lesser differentiated people are not able to do that. The surrounding togetherness, pressure, the pressure to conform to the norms of the system create anxiety. And they're so focused on maintaining those relationships that they aren't able to take a non-anxious emotional stand. They aren't able to self differentiate. So the direction that they do have comes from the external circumstances of the system itself.
A third difference is that people with higher levels of differentiation are able to set their goals based on an objective measure of their own competence and resources. Now, objective measure is a term that Klever uses. I would actually say that it's more likely that they are just more self aware they are willing to do a self assessment. I'm not sure any of us are really objective, but self differentiated people at least are trying to be honest. They are trying to be realistic about their own competence and resources.
On the other hand, at low levels of differentiation, people set goals based on a lack of self knowledge or a distorted self assessment. So they end up being, if there is goal direction, if there are goals that are set, they oftentimes can be pie in the sky or not realistic because they don't have a sense of their own capability, their own competence or the reality around them.
A fourth difference is that at higher levels of differentiation, one is aware of one's place in the system, one realizes that pursuing her own goals, pursuing her own values, does have an effect on other people, whereas at low levels of differentiation, there is a lack of system awareness and there's more of a focus on cause and effect in terms of goals. If I do this, I will get that.
This leads to the fifth difference, which is at higher levels of differentiation, one is responsive to and respectful of others in the pursuit of goals. This is similar to number four, which is the idea that you are aware of your place in the system, whereas at lower levels of differentiation, people pursue goals to gain approval, to rebel, to avoid others or at the expense of others. So think about that. That is the definition of reactivity. In some way they are either being reactive or adaptive. They're responding to external circumstances.
They're responding to surrounding togetherness pressure. They're responding to pressure to conform. And so if they do have goals, that is why they pursue them. Notice, too, that the last one is at the expense of others. So that is a lack of awareness in terms of how their pursuit of goals may affect other people in the system. A self differentiated person may know that by pursuing one of her own goals, other people may be disappointed. Other people may be upset that it may even impact another adversely, but they are able to still claim that and perhaps say, you know, I'm sorry, this is going to impact adversely, but I really feel like I need to do this.
They are able to self define while remaining connected. So that's the difference between higher differentiation and lower differentiation. In the latter case, people, when they pursue their goals, have a lack of awareness of the system around them and are perhaps doing things because they are being reactive, because they're trying to rebel or because they're trying to get approval or they're trying to avoid.
The sixth difference is that at higher levels of differentiation, there is flexibility to move between individual and relationship goals and at lower levels goals are dominated by sensitivity to relationships. So this is all about being able to balance the individual, my own differentiation and the system and the needs of others. And so there are times when we may give up our own goal for the sake of another, but we are doing it willingly. That's what self differentiation is. We're doing it because we value the relationships that we have and we value our place in the system. Whereas when somebody is not as well differentiated, they are more likely to define their goals based on their relationship to others.
That is extrinsic motivation. As I said, this is not necessarily a bad thing, but if it's what you do all the time, if it's how you set your goals all the time, then you are never able to really self define, you're never able to really claim your own goals and values and work towards them.
The seventh difference is that at higher levels of differentiation, one is not thrown off course by challenge or stress, whereas at lower levels of differentiation one is highly sensitive to stress. And typically the stress can be the anxiety in the system, the sabotage, the push back when one tries to move in a certain direction, especially when one is changing one's behavior. And that's why at lower levels of self differentiation, it's very hard to actually respond to that anxiety in a healthy way. What tends to happen is one gets reactive or adaptive, whereas at higher levels of differentiation, one is able to stay focused on one's own goals while remaining connected to those who are anxious.
Finally, at higher levels of differentiation, one's persistence towards goals is steady, yet flexible. So one is not easily thrown off by changes or surrounding togetherness pressure, but one is able to adapt to changing circumstances if that is necessary. At lower levels of differentiation, one's persistence can be sporadic or chaotic, can be reactive to changes around or inconsistent, or at the other extreme can be very rigid and not able to respond to new circumstances, not able to adapt to new information.
So those are the differences between higher and lower self differentiation in terms of goal direction. Now, I want to focus on what that means for the non anxious leader. As a leader, your primary task is to cast vision, it is to discern where you believe you should be leading the organization or even your family and then share that in a healthy way with others in the system. People want to know what the leader thinks. So goal direction is an important part of being a leader.
The question is, how is that goal direction determined? Is it determined by surrounding togetherness pressure, or does it come from some place of values, some place of principle inside of you? Because if it's coming from the outside, it's going to be difficult for you to maintain that in the face of sabotage. Remember, leading is about change because if you are just keeping things the same, you are not really leading. Leading is about trying to make things better.
And so when you are leading, you are by definition going to cause change to occur and that's going to result in anxiety and sabotage. So the question is, where is your direction, where is your vision coming from? Because if it's coming from a place of principle and value and for people of faith, that may be how you discern what God is doing. That's how I always think of it. What is God leading me to share with the organization that I lead?
If it's coming from that place of principle and value, you are more likely to be persistent in a healthy way. An important thing to remember is that the greater the surrounding togetherness pressure in a system, the more energy is required to deal with the anxiety, the triangling, the reactivity, and that makes it harder to be goal directed. Furthermore, if one is not self aware, if one is not focusing on self differentiation, the goal direction will tend to be in service to the system itself.
It will tend to be to try to quell or try to calm the surrounding togetherness pressure to try to keep things stable, to try to maintain the homeostasis of the system rather than focusing on positive change. That is why it is so important as you try to lead through self differentiation to really understand what you are trying to do in service of the mission. Where is this coming from? Is it coming from inside of you? Is it coming from a place of principle?
Otherwise it may be coming from an extrinsic motivation and that will be harder to maintain when there is surrounding togetherness pressure. I have to admit that there are times when sometimes I want to do something just to show somebody else whether that's outside the organization or whether that's in the organization. But that's not the right motivation. That's not really a place of principle. That is actually responding to the pressure in the system, the relationship pressure.
And that leads to the final thing I want to share here, which is as a leader and as a person, as a family member, there is always this tension between individuality and relationship in the system, and we cannot focus too much on one or the other without getting into difficulty.
It's important to be a self, it's important to be an individual, that is what self definition is. We know who we are and we are able to express it in healthy ways. But it's also important to be emotionally connected. If we are not connected to others in the system in a healthy way, then our leadership will actually cause more anxiety because we'll be all about self definition and we will not have the kind of connection we need to have with the people we are leading, especially those who are resisting.
So the idea of goal direction here is that we want to focus on being self differentiated. We want to have the right goals that come from a place of principle and values. But we also want to remember that we are part of a system and that we influence those that we lead. We influence those that we serve. We influence those with whom we are connected. And so our relationship with them is really important.
It doesn't mean that we give in. It doesn't mean that we adapt. But it also means that we self regulate, that we maintain relationship with other people without allowing our own anxiety to make things worse. So that is my take on being a non anxious leader. I think goal direction, which is really not a term I've heard a lot in family systems, goal direction is a really important concept that we want to be aware of. We want to know that we are focusing on healthy goals that move the organization, move the system forward, and we want to do it in healthy ways.
We want to do it in self differentiated ways. To me, that's what a non anxious leader does.
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