Welcome to Episode 369 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. If you are new to this podcast, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com with your questions, comments, and suggestions for new episodes. You can also get more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com, where you can find out about the courses that I offer, the books that I've written, my coaching practice, and my speaking engagements. You can also subscribe to my Two for Tuesday email newsletter at the website or at the link in the show notes. Finally, if you would like to support my work for as little as $5 a month, you can find out all about it at the link in the show notes. Thanks in advance for your consideration. I am back from vacation, and this is an all-new episode. I'm excited about this because it combines both family relationship systems and congregational or organizational relationship system. Without further ado, here is episode 369, Five Mistakes that Escalate Family Tension and What They Teach Us About Leadership. The idea for this episode comes from a Washington Post article by pediatrician Perry Class, who names five common mistakes grandparents make that unintentionally create tension with parents, that is, with their own adult children.

I'll put a link in the show notes. I believe it's a gift article, so you should be able to access it without a paywall. What struck me is how perfectly these mistakes map onto the predictable patterns we see in anxious systems, not just in families, but also in congregations and organizations. In this episode, we'll look at each mistake through a family systems lens and then apply it to leadership. Because the truth is, families, congregations, organizations get stuck in the same emotional patterns just with different job titles. Class's first mistake is failing to accept that parenting patterns change. The article begins with a simple but profound observation. Norms change. What felt responsible in the 1960s feels reckless today. For example, when I was in first grade, both my parents worked, so I came home to an empty house. Now, the mom of my best friend across the street was usually home, but I seldom needed her. I was home alone for probably 2 hours till my dad got home from work. Nowadays, this might seem irresponsible for a 6 or 7-year-old to be home by themselves. From a family system's perspective, this is about flexibility versus rigidity.

An anxious system clings to the past. A differentiated system can adjust without losing its identity. When grandparents insist, This is how we did it, they're not trying to undermine anyone. They're trying to reduce their own anxiety by returning to what feels familiar. Congregations and organizations do the same thing. This is how we've always done it. We tried that once and it didn't work. Back in my day, these are emotional statements, not strategic ones. All change is a loss, and loss creates grief. A non-anxious leader recognizes that change often results in reactivity. Instead Instead of arguing, stay connected and stay curious. Tell me, what's important to you about doing it that way? What's changed in the environment since then? Self-differentiation is the ability to honor the past without being ruled by it. The second mistake is blaming your child's partner. This is classic triangling. When anxiety rises, we look for a third person or issue to stabilize the relationship. Blaming the partner is a way to avoid the discomfort of addressing the real relationship, the parent and their adult child. Blaming the spouse is a way to manage the anxiety that the grandparent has over how their own child is raising children.

It's a way to avoid their own discomfort instead of giving their child the freedom to parent as they see fit. This happens to leaders, too. For example, a manager feels anxious about the performance or attitude of one of their long-time employees, someone they hired, mentored, and feel personally responsible for. A quote-unquote child, so to speak. The employee has recently been missing deadlines, resisting feedback, or creating tension on the team. Instead of addressing the issue directly with that employee, the manager starts blaming a third person. Ever since she started working with him, she's been off her game. I think he's influencing her negatively. This is the leadership version of blaming the in-law. The manager's anxiety about confronting their own employee, someone they feel loyalty towards, someone whose disappointment they fear, gets redirected toward a safer target, the colleague. Like a parent with their own adult child, blaming a colleague Like the in-law, is a way to manage anxiety, avoid conflict, and sidestep taking responsibility for self. Whether a parent or a leader, self-differentiation is addressing concerns directly, staying connected without over functioning and tolerating the discomfort of the situation. It's being a self while allowing the other to do the same.

The third mistake is assuming it's the parents' fault when a child struggles. The article reminds us that when a child is having a hard time, it's rarely because of one factor, and parents already blame themselves enough. In family systems terms, this can create the symbiotic trap of over functioning and under functioning. Grandparents may over function with advice or criticism, while parents under function by absorbing all the blame. This shows up in congregations and organizations in similar ways. A project fails and everyone looks for the one person to blame. A ministry struggles and we assume the issue is the volunteer leading it. A team member struggles and we assume it's a leadership failure. Systems thinking teaches us to zoom out. Problems are They're systemic. A non-anxious leader asks, What patterns are contributing to this? Where is the system over functioning or under functioning? How can we support without rescuing? How is my functioning contributing to this? Blame is about content, and it narrows the lens. Systems thinking is about process, and it widens it and enables us to think more clearly about how we can make difference. The fourth mistake that grandparents make is making it a fight instead of a discussion.

Class gives the example of conversations about immunizations, emotionally charged, value-laden, and easy to escalate. Her advice, stay respectful, speak from concern, and don't let the issue dominate the relationship. The way a class puts it is, Say what you believe, but leave the question open if necessary. In other words, avoid a conflict of wills. You can give your opinion, but ultimately you're not the parent, and they get to decide. The paradox is the more a grandparent tries to convince the adult child to agree, the less likely it will happen. Self-differentiation creates healthy emotional space by giving the other the freedom to choose their own path, even as one is expressing their own opinion. Leaders face this every day. Remember, it's process, not content. The content can be anything. Budget cuts, policy changes, declining attendance, strategic disagreements. The anxious system wants to turn every difference into a battle. The differentiated leader keeps the conversation grounded. Here's what I believe. You don't have to agree. I may be wrong. Here's what I'm responsible for. Here's what I'm willing to consider. You can be clear without being combative, and you can be connected without being compliant. This is the heart of non-anxious leadership.

The fifth mistake is weighing in too often especially when you weren't asked. The article ends with a gentle reminder, Pick your battles. Parents of toddlers and teens learn this quickly. Grandparents sometimes forget. In systems language, this is It's about overfunctioning, stepping in too quickly, too often, and/or too intensely. Overfunctioning invites underfunctioning, or it invites reactivity and a conflict of wills. Neither is helpful. Leaders fall into this trap when they answer every question, solve every problem, step into every conflict, offer advice before it's requested. It creates dependency, not maturity. A non-anxious leader practices strategic restraint. What do you think you want to do? What options have you considered? I trust your judgment. As Edwin Friedmann put it, When you have a bias for challenge over comfort, you help others build capacity and resilience. When leaders stop over functioning, teams start growing. Classes 5 grandparenting mistakes are really five systemic patterns that show up everywhere humans gather. Clinging to in the past instead of adapting, triangling instead of relating directly, blaming individuals instead of seeing patterns, escalating instead of differentiating, and overfunctioning instead of empowering. Whether you're a pastor, a parent, or a president, the work is the same.

Stay connected, stay clear, stay calm, lead as a non-anxious presence, and trust the system to grow more capable and resilient when you Stop trying to control it. That's it for episode 369. Remember, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com, and find more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who would benefit, and please leave a review on your podcast platform of choice. Thanks in advance for your help. Until next time. Go be yourself.