Welcome to Episode 366 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. If you are new to this podcast, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com. With your questions, comments, and suggestions for future episodes, those questions and suggestions are helpful because I always need new ideas for episodes. You can also get more resources at thenonanxiousleaders.com, where you can find out about my coaching practice, the books that I've written, the courses and workbooks that I offer, as well as my speaking engagements. You can also subscribe to my Two for Tuesday email newsletter at the website or at the link in the show notes. Finally, if you would like to support my work for as little as $5 a month, you can do that at the link in the show notes. Thanks in advance for your consideration. Now, without further ado, here is episode 3, 2066, Favoriteism, Family Systems, and the Work of Differentiation. Today, I'm looking at a topic that I rarely hear people talk about, and that is parental favoritism. A recent New York Times article by Teddy Rosenbluth highlights how favoritism shapes children, not just in childhood, but across their entire lives. As I looked at this through a family systems lens, I realized that we see these same dynamics show up in leadership teams and organizations.

The article begins with Kara, who grew up believing her parents treated all the kids fairly. But over time, she noticed a pattern. Her younger siblings got more attention, more privileges, more presence. As an adult, the patterns didn't change. Her parents continued choosing the other siblings for holidays and visits. Eventually, she realized maybe those kids were always going to be favorites. Then she said something that captured the emotional process at work. Her parents overlooked her own children, favoring her sister's children. She called this two generations of rejection. Even though she tried to let go of her resentment, it affected her mental health. From a family system's perspective, this isn't surprising. Patterns repeat, emotional process repeats, intergenerational transmission is real. And unless someone becomes aware enough to interrupt the pattern, it keeps moving through the generations. The article summarizes research that shows not only do two-thirds of parents have a preferred child, that this favorite often stays the same for decades. Further, children who feel disfavored experience more anxiety, depression, and strained relationships. The most important factor isn't the parents' intention, it's the child's perception. One study found that whether adult children believe they were favored or disfavoured predicted their mental health more strongly than almost any other factor, including marital status or employment.

In family systems terms, the position we occupy and the emotional patterns attached to it shapes how we see ourselves and how we function in the system. Murray Bowen said that anxiety is not evenly or fairly distributed in any relationship system. The favorite child is often the one who helps regulate the parents' anxiety. They're agreeable, they're easier to manage, they share the parents' values, they don't activate conflict. So the parent unconsciously leans toward the child who calms them. The non-favorite child or children become the ones who activate the parents' anxiety, not because they're bad, but because their presence, functioning, or differences stir something in the system. Favoriteism isn't about love, it's about emotional process. And It's important to note that the favorite doesn't necessarily escape anxiety. It's just that the favorite and non-favorite carry different kinds of anxiety. Bowen would say both positions are anxious just in different ways. The favorite carries the pressure to maintain closeness, the burden of aligning with parents' values, and guilt when the difference in treatment among siblings becomes too great. The non-favorite carries the anxiety of distance, the sense of being less and the emotional residue of exclusion. Anxiety is not evenly or fairly distributed, and depending on the system, it's possible for either the favorite or non-favorite to experience greater anxiety.

The question is, how is the favorite chosen? The article highlights several predictors of who will be the favorite. Younger children, daughters, kids with agreeable, conscientious personalities, and in adulthood, strongest predictor is shared values, whether religious, political, and/or moral. This makes sense from a family system's perspective. Parents, like all humans, gravitate toward relationships that regulate their anxiety. A child who is easier to parent or who shares a parent's worldview becomes a regulating presence. A child who challenges or differs becomes an anxiety-activating presence. Again, this isn't about love, it's about emotional process. Emotional process is automatic unless we become aware of it. Favoriteism isn't just a family issue. It shows up in every relationship system. System, the go-to employee, the volunteer who gets more access, the team member who gets more grace, the person who becomes the leader's emotional buffer. The impact mirrors what happens in families. There's resentment, rivalry, triangling, withdrawal, and loss of trust. The basic principle here is that favoritism creates emotional distance, and emotional distance fuels anxiety. But here's the hopeful part. Differentiated leadership can interrupt the pattern of favoritism. The article offers an important insight, which is, When parents explain why they treat children differently, many negative effects disappear.

This makes sense It's because secrets create anxiety, silence creates anxiety, ambiguity creates anxiety, and clarity reduces anxiety in the relationship system. As Edwin Friedmann says, Whether you're a parent, a pastor, or a president, here are four things that you can do to reduce favoritism in the system and interrupt the pattern. The first is to name the process without blame. Here are some examples. For a parent, you might say, Each child needs something different from me, and I'm trying to be thoughtful about that. Or, I'm making decisions based on what each child needs right now, not on keeping everything identical. Or in leadership, I want to explain the reasoning behind this decision so no one has to guess or fill in the gaps. Or, Different roles call for different strengths, and I want to be clear about why I'm pairing this task with this person. This is what self differentiation looks like. It's self-defining while remaining emotionally connected. The second thing you can do is stay out of triangles. This seems rather obvious, but triangles occur everywhere, and they're also a part of favoritism. Whether a parent, a favorite child, and a non-favorite child, or a leader, a star employee, and one who feels overlooked, your job is to stay connected to both sides without taking sides.

The third thing can do to interrupt the pattern of favoritism is to regulate your own anxiety first. Self regulation is key in any change in functioning in a system. Favoriteism often emerges because one relationship feels easier. A non-anxious leader resists the pull toward the easy connection and stays present with the whole system. I've learned over the years that when someone makes me anxious, whether staff, board, volunteer, or family member, I need to focus on emotional connection. Rather than pulling away, I intentionally move closer. This is really uncomfortable, but I know it's better than distancing. One thing that helps me is to remember that the anxiety is in me, not necessarily them. Even when they are anxious, emotional distance is not the answer. Connection is. Fourth, and finally, practice fairness, not sameness. Sameness is impossible. Fairness is intentional and communicated. Differences are built into every family. People have different needs, roles, and levels of maturity, so treating everyone the same doesn't actually create peace. In family systems terms, sameness is a form of reactivity. It's usually a reaction to anxiety, an attempt to keep everyone calm by making everything equal. But equal treatment often leads to confusion and resentment because it ignores the real differences in the system.

Fairness works differently. It's thoughtful, grounded, and based on clear goals and values. Because families fill silence with assumptions, fairness has to be explained out loud. When you name why you're making a decision, you lower the emotional temperature and show that you're acting from your goals and values, not favoritism. Fairness becomes a way of leading with clarity instead of trying to make every situation look identical. Finally, if you resonated with Kara's story, you are not alone. Family systems theory says you are shaped by your family position, but you are not defined by it. Differentiation means you can see the pattern. Name the pattern and choose a different way forward. You can become the person who interrupts the multi-generational transmission of favoritism. You can become the non-anxious present your family or team has never had. You break the pattern of favoritism by staying steady when others get anxious. Instead of trying to keep everyone happy or make everything equal, you act from your goals and values. You slow down. Notice what's happening, and choose a calmer response than the one the system expects. That alone starts to shift the functioning of the system. Becoming a calm presence doesn't mean backing away.

It means staying connected without getting pulled into old roles or old fights. You explain your decisions, you stay consistent, and you hold your shape even when others react. Over time, people will feel the difference, and there may be sabotage, but your steadiness becomes something the whole family or team can lean on. I have seen this over and over with coaching clients who have learned to differentiate whether it's their family system or their work system. This may not make you the favorite if you weren't, but it will improve the overall functioning of the system, and that is the work of a non-anxious leader. That's it for episode 366. Remember, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com, and find more resources at the conanxiousleader.com. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who would benefit, and please leave a review on your podcast platform of choice. Thanks in advance for your help. Until next time, go be yourself.