Welcome to Episode 359 of The Non-Anxious Leader podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. If you're new to this podcast, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com with your questions, comments, and suggestions for future episodes. You can find more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com, where you can find out about my coaching practice, speaking engagements, the books that I've written, and the courses that I offer. You can also subscribe to my Two for Tuesday email newsletter there or at the link in the show notes. Finally, if you would like to support my work for as little as $5 a month, you can do so at the link in the show notes. Thank you in advance for your consideration. Now, without further ado, here is episode 359, a rebroadcast of Leadership Through Self Differentiation, Part 1 of 4, Today, I'm going to start on a multi-part series in which I go through leadership through self-differentiation and break it down into all its component parts being a non-anxious presence, understanding emotional triangles, knowing about the leverage of the dependent.

You've likely heard these things before, but I think two things here will be helpful to you. One is I've organized them in a the way that I have not before, and I hope that taking you through leadership, through self-differentiation in a step-by-step manner, will help you to become a non-anxious leader in your family, congregation, or organization. Secondly, I don't think you can hear these things enough. I still need to hear things over and over again. I'm always looking for lectures and blogs that help me to better understand family systems theory. So hopefully by hearing it again and organized in a different way, you will find that you can grow as a non-anxious leader.

So let's get started.

The key to effective leadership is the ability to be a non-anxious presence. This occurs through a process called leadership through self-differentiation. Leadership through self-differentiation is the ability to non-anxiously communicate where you believe God is leading while remaining emotionally connected to the most anxious and resistant resistant in the relationship system. Let's break it down. A relationship system can be a family of origin, congregation, or organization. Family system's theory understands the system to be an entity unto itself with processes and principles that follow predictable patterns. One of those processes is resistance to change. I'll get to that later, but for now, understand that whenever you are trying to lead because change is involved, that means there will be resistance. If you can remain a non-anxious presence, especially with the most resistant, most people in the system will follow. It's also likely that some of the resistors will become your biggest supporters. To understand how to be a non-anxious presence, you must first understand the concept of self-differentiation. Self-differentiation is the ability to express your own goals and values in a healthy way in in the midst of surrounding togetherness pressure. Surrounding togetherness pressure is the pressure to conform to the norms and values of others in the system, whether that be a family, congregation, or organization.

One way surrounding togetherness pressure is evident is through how we celebrate holidays. The first time I had New Year's Day dinner with my wife's family was before we were married. Her family is from Pennsylvania, and their traditional dinner was pork, sauerkraut, and mashed potatoes. I happened to glance over at my then-girlfriend and saw that she was spooning a big helping of sauerkraut onto her mashed potatoes. I blurted out, Who puts sauerkraut on their mashed potatoes? They all looked at me like I was an idiot and said, We do? I'm happy to say that despite being quite insensitive in that moment, I've been eating sauerkraut on my mashed potatoes for over 40 years. Surrounding togetherness pressure comes in many forms. It can be holiday customs like what to eat for New Year's Day dinner. Some churches don't do Christmas Eve services, but do have New Year's Eve watch night services and vice versa. If you've ever felt pressure to make a certain dating career or parenting choice, then you've experienced surrounding togetherness pressure. The same is true if you've ever been told, We've never done it this way before. Leadership through self-differentiation understands that there are pressures to conform that can keep things stuck.

Rather than lashing out at those pressures, a non-anxious leader is able to focus on where God is leading without arguing or giving in. Understanding the two components of leadership through self-differentiation, self-definition and emotional connection make this easier. Self-definition is the ability to express what you believe and where God is leading in a healthy way. Emotional connection is the ability to show that you care for another even when you disagree. There is a tension between self-definition and emotional connection. Non-anxious leaders recognize that they are not independent, they are interdependent. This means they know who they are and what they believe, and they are able to have healthy relationships with those who think and believe differently. This is not easy work, but it is an essential part of leadership. Edwin Friedmann put it this way, The hardest thing is to be a self while remaining connected to others. A person who is completely self-defined but isn't connected to others is a narcissist. They know their own goals and values but don't care about others or how they impact them. A person who is so emotionally connected that they are unable to self-define no longer has a self.

They are always giving in to surrounding togetherness pressure, putting others' goals and values ahead of their own. The sweet spot is leadership through self-differentiation. It's knowing who you are, what you stand for, and where you're heading. It's being able to express this in a non-anxious way while remaining connected to others in the system, especially the most anxious and resistant. A The key concept in family systems theory is the concept of emotional triangles. An emotional triangle occurs when two people are uncomfortable in their relationship and they focus on another person or issue to stabilize it. For example, let's say a couple has an uncomfortable relationship. There can be any number of reasons for this. Perhaps one partner has trouble expressing their feelings, or maybe the other feels there's not enough emotional intimacy. Of course, in this example, both can be true. Hopefully, you get the idea. Anyway, in this example, if one of the partners overinvests in their career as a way to avoid the discomfort of the couple's relationship, it's likely that the focus of the couple shifts to the career. The other partner may start to complain about the amount of time spent working.

The career partner then gets defensive and an argument ensues. It's possible that this triangle can last for a long time. In fact, people can get broadly comfortable with the tension that a triangle like this generates. Another example of a triangle would be a congregant who is having conflict with his father. He's unsure how to handle it and tends to avoid any contact with his father. He may then displace this negative energy by criticizing the pastor's sermons. It's not fair, but it has less to do with the pastor and more to do with a man's uncomfortable relationship with his dad. It's important to note that people rarely rarely knowingly create a triangle. It's an unwitting emotional response. In fact, Murray Bowen, the pioneer of family systems theory, maintained that the triangle is the most stable form of human relationship. Why? Because Bowen Bowen believe that most people are able to self-differentiate less than 30% of the time. Remember that self-differentiation is the ability to express your own goals and values in a healthy way in the midst of surrounding togetherness pressure. What Bowen means is that most of the time we are unable to do this.

When we encounter a challenge that makes us uncomfortable, we either react with anger or defensiveness, or we give in and don't stand up for ourselves. It's this discomfort that makes a two-person relationship inherently unstable unless both are very self-differentiated. What's more likely is that we seek ways to avoid taking responsibility for our own feelings and focus on something a thing or someone else as a way to avoid the discomfort of being responsible for who we are and how we feel. That's a triangle. Another example of a triangle involves substance abuse. Typically, when someone is using, they are avoiding one or more uncomfortable relationships in their family of origin. They focus on using as a way to fill some unmet need. Caring family members tend to focus on the substance abuse as the problem, trying to the user to quit, go to rehab, and straighten their life out. Family members rarely look at their own functioning and ask how it contributes to the substance abuse. This leads to a major principle of emotional triangles. You can't change a relationship to which you don't belong. We can't change others. We can only change ourselves. In fact, to the extent that we try to change the relationship of the other two sides of a triangle, it will only strengthen the the triangle.

Furthermore, not only will the triangle strengthen, but we will be the ones who end up with the stress of the situation. Let's go back to our examples. If you try to get your partner to work less, it will likely result in them resenting you and wanting to spend more time working to avoid you. If you try to get a loved one to stop using, they will likely perceive it as nagging, will want to use more, and you will feel more stressed. So how do you deal with emotional triangles? Take responsibility for yourself and no one else. It's easy to want to take on the problems of others. Again, let's go back to our examples. You won't be able to change your partner's relationship to their work, but you can take responsibility for your relationship to your partner and your relationship to their work. For example, working to connect with your partner in healthy ways without talking about work changes your relationship with your partner by no longer nagging. You're also changing your relationship to their work by not making it the focus of your complaints. This may not immediately change the situation, but it's your best chance.

In some cases, you may have to decide that you are no longer going to wait around for your partner to get home to eat dinner, or that you're going to take on some evening activities so you no longer feel like you're wasting your time waiting around. If you can do these things while remaining emotionally connected to your partner and not complaining about their work, there is a good chance that things will improve. Likewise, you can't stop a loved one from using, but you can stop giving them money when they ask or bailing them out of trouble when it happens. This sounds harsh, but their abuse is not your problem. It's theirs. The question is, how does your relationship enable their abuse or not? If you can stop enabling while remaining emotionally connected, you have a chance, and so might they. Finally, it's important to cover what to do when you are the focus of a triangle. A good example of this is when two people are uncomfortable with each other and they want you to fix a relationship. Remember, you can't fix a relationship to which you don't belong. Let's say you're the pastor and the choir director and a church member complain to you about each other.

You're getting triangled. Your intuitive response would be to try to get the two together and mediate, but this will make things worse. If you do this, you will be sitting in the meeting where they will likely put pressure on you to fix the other person. Or you'll spend a lot of time talking about the issue which is not really the problem. The problem is their inability to deal with their uncomfortable relationship, which is why they triangled you in the first place. Alternately, you might try to talk to each of them individually to help them to get along better or to see the other person's perspective. That won't work either. Remember, to the extent that you try to change the relationship of the other two sides of a triangle, you will reinforce the triangle and you will feel the stress. You are not responsible for their relationship and are not the one who can change it. Only they can do that. The more you try to do it, the more stress you will feel. What you can do is remain a non-anxious presence with each person separately. Not talking about the other, but focusing on keeping your own relationship with each person healthy.

We'll dig deeper into what that means, but for now, understand that a non-anxious presence is a function of self-differentiation. If you can stay connected with both sides of the triangle without taking responsibility for their relationship, it creates the healthy emotional space that makes positive change possible.

That's it for episode 359. Next week, we will do part 2, which is on emotional process. Remember, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com and get more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who would benefit, and please leave a review on your podcast platform of choice. Thank you for your help. Until next time, go be yourself.