Welcome to Episode 357 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. If you are new to this podcast, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com with your questions, comments, and suggestions for future episodes. You can find more resources at thenonanxiousleader. Com, including my coaching practice, my speaking engagements, the books that I've written in the courses that I offer. You can also subscribe to my Two for Tuesday email newsletter at the website or at the link in the show notes. If you want to support my work for as little as $5 a month, go to the link in the show notes. You can find out all about it. I appreciate your consideration. Now, without further ado, here is episode 357, Seven Ways Leaders Get Stuck and What to Do About It, Part One of Two. They say the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results. Yet, a family system's definition of homeostasis or equilibrium is just that. We repeat the same patterns and wonder why we are frustrated. A key element of self-differentiation is understanding that the only way to change a relationship system, whether a family, congregation, or organization, is to change your own functioning.

A big part of that is to understand in what ways your responses are part of the stuckness. The idea for this episode came from a Harvard Business Review article, The Hidden Beliefs that Hold Leaders Back, by executive coach Muriel M. Wilkins. Wilkins analyzed over 300 leaders to determine what she calls blockers. These are the limiting factors or unproductive beliefs that keep us stuck. I'll put a link to the article in the show notes, although it might be behind a paywall. When I popped the link in an incognito browser, it did show the full article, but your mileage may vary. Wilkins uses an approach to managing your blockers that she calls uncover, unpack, and unblock. In any situation, the uncover step requires self-regulation and self-awareness. You first need to pause, then name the belief that is holding you back. Of course, you can and should do this after the fact, especially when you show up in ways that reflect your stuckness. This reflection can help you in preparation to be better in the next occurrence. The unpack step really happens during times of reflection, and it involves exploring the origins of the belief and separating this from your current identity and situation.

In other words, this is doing your own work. Wilkins recommends identifying how the belief protected you from mental, emotional, or even physical pain or discomfort in the past. In family systems terms, this involves recognizing patterns of interaction in your family of origin or other relationship systems to understand how you use the belief to manage your anxiety. The third step on block is reframing the limiting belief so that you can replace it with a more effective one. This This is identifying what self-differentiation looks like in these situations and how you can balance self-definition with emotional connection. I'll emphasize that sometimes you can take these steps in the moment, but as I said, it often takes setting aside time to reflect on what's going on inside of you so you can do things differently. This is especially true with the unpack step. As I go through each of the seven blockers, you can decide how you want to approach the ones that affect you. So let's get to them. Wilkins shares these so-called blockers in the first person, so I'll do the same. The first blocker is, I need to be involved. This is the belief that you need to be a part of the details at all levels.

It's classic micromanaging and over functioning. It's the inability to know, as Edwin Friedmann said, where you end and others begin. In one sense, this is defining yourself in terms of the accomplishment of others since you are unable to let others be responsible for their own functioning. It also creates surrounding togetherness pressure because you are signaling to others that Nothing can be done without your involvement. In the uncover step, there is a subtle difference between self-differentiation and over-functioning. A differentiated person notices the tug. I want to be I'm involved because I care, but is able to separate that idea from, If I'm not involved, everything will fall apart. It's okay to care, but it's important to have the self-awareness that enables you to self regulate your own impulse to over function. The Unpacked Step involves thinking about how over functioning became a go-to response to your anxiety. Where did this occur in your family of origin? How was this reinforced? How could I do things differently now? It also involves examining your tolerance for allowing others to fail. A key concept here is that when you increase your own pain tolerance, you will increase your tolerance for the pain of others.

This may not seem to be your primary motivation in a work system, but it's worth examining how you function in your family of origin. The unblock step involves doing things differently. One thing you can do is use an internal check. Before intervening, ask, Is this my responsibility or my anxiety? If it's the latter, self-define in a healthy way. Say to the other, I'm stepping back from this because I trust you to lead it. It's been said, if you know everything that's going on, then there's not enough going on. Resisting the impulse to micromanage will free those you lead to be their best and to make an impact that's broader than what you can do on your own. The second blocker is, I need it done now. This is the belief that you need immediate results no matter what the circumstance is. Managing the anxiety of uncertainty through urgency may help you, but it will raise overall anxiety in the system. A non-anxious leader tolerates the uncomfortable lag between not knowing and action. They can sit with uncertainty and resist the pressure to speed Read up the timeline just because they are uncomfortable. Again, self-awareness is the key.

In the uncover step, noticing that you're anxious about something is the first step to functioning differently. Brief deeply. Ask yourself, how urgent is this really? How much better will things be if we take the time to do it right, not fast? Try to distinguish between the truly urgent and what feels urgent because of your own discomfort. The Unpacked Step involves thinking about how our urgency became a go-to response to anxiety. When in the past did rapid fixes prevent a crisis or disaster? Who in my family of origin responds instantly and/or demands that Others do the same. How do I respond to this and how could I do things differently now? The Unblocked Step involves learning to first name the situation, saying something like, I'm feeling a sense of urgency here. I might be wrong about this, so I want to take some time to think about it. This will buy you time to not react with urgency right away. One principle I find helpful is to wait until the last responsible moment. Ask yourself, at what point does this have to be done? After which it would be irresponsible. How can I make myself wait this long?

Friedmann said, Leaders not only need to embrace discomfort, they need to learn to love it. This is because Because leadership, by definition, involves change. Change brings uncertainty, which results in discomfort. Learning to live with this will help you reduce the anxiety that comes from unnecessary urgency. The third blocker is, I know I'm right. This is the belief that you're the only one with the answers to the challenge at hand. It's using certainty to manage your anxiety. But as I just noted, non-anxious leaders embrace uncertainty. The uncover step here is similar to the others. It's first noticing your anxiety. Ask yourself, why is it so important for me to be right in this situation? Then think about how to create emotional space for others to express what they are thinking. This will help you to avoid a conflict of wills and will open you up to curiosity. The Unpack Step involves learning to separate your ego from the idea. Where did I learn that being wrong was bad? How did it affect my sense of self-worth? Who in my family reacted strongly when someone made a mistake? Doing your own work here is about learning to deconstruct your need to be right.

The unblocked step here involves keeping your desire to self-define and check. This not only avoids a conflict of wills, it also opens you up to more approaches to a situation. A key principle here is This is curiosity. If you can replace your need to be right with curiosity, you will lean in the direction of emotional connection first. Think first questions, then solutions. Asking questions like, How would you approach this? Or, What do you think helps to do this? At some point, if you need to self-define, you can preface with one of my go-to sayings like, I may be wrong about this, or, You don't have to agree with me. These help open the way for others to be involved. The idea here is to project a posture of confident humility. You have your thoughts, but you don't need to be right. You care about what others think. You are self-defined and emotionally connected. This is the heart of self-differentiation. If we haven't covered one of your blockers yet, don't worry. There are still four more. My guess is that many, if not most of us, have more than one. While Wilkins never references family systems theory, I believe understanding her work through this lens can help you grow as a non-anxious leader.

That's it for episode 3: 57. I'll be back with part 2, Next week, in the meantime, remember, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com, and you can find more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who would benefit, and please leave a review on your podcast platform of choice. Thanks in advance for your help. Until next time. Go be yourself.