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Welcome to Episode 338 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Before we get into today's episode, I want to thank some of the people who have supported this work. Marion H, Carol L, and Amelia D are all VIP patrons. Thank you for your support. It helps me to bring this and other free resources to everyone who benefits. If you'd like to become a patron for as little as $5 a month, you can go to the link in the show notes to get all the details. Thanks in advance for your consideration. If you want to connect with me, you can send an email to jack@christian-leaders.com with your questions, comments, and suggestions for future episodes. You can get more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. You can find out about the books that I've written, the courses I offer, my coaching practice, and my speaking engagements as well as subscribe to my Two for Tuesday email newsletter.

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I'll also put a link to that subscription page in the show notes. Now, without further ado, here is episode 338, Assuming You Know What Others Are Thinking, Underminds Self Differentiation. The idea for this episode comes from an article by Kathleen Smith, Are You Saying No for Others? I put a link in the show notes, but it's behind a paywall, so you will need to be a paid subscriber to access it. That said, I will say that it's worth the $5 a month that you pay, and I don't get any commissions for telling you this. What Smith means by saying no for others is that we don't give people a chance to respond to who we are and what matters to us because we never express ourselves. She notes that this is a form of over functioning as we are assuming we know what others are thinking and we make the decision for them. Here are the examples that she gives in the article. You don't apply for something because you assume you won't get it. You don't show up to a meeting because you assume people won't listen to you. You don't share a belief because you think people will disagree with you.

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You don't share a need because you assume people won't want to help you. You don't share an interest because people will think it's weird or boring. You don't share a decision because people will get anxious about it. You don't invite a friend to do something because you feel like you are annoying them. In each of these examples, you are assuming you know how the other is going to respond. That is what the other is thinking. Instead of being a self and expressing what you want or believe, you just keep it to yourself. How often do you do this to manage your own anxiety and/or to avoid what you think might be an unpleasant situation? Would you rather not make a request than hear a no or hear some form of disagreement? According to Edwin Friedmann, self-differentiation is the ability to express your goals and values in the midst of surrounding togetherness pressure. While Smith doesn't say it, what her article highlights is that sometimes the surrounding togetherness pressure we feel is inside of us and has nothing to do with what others think, feel, or We make assumptions about what others are thinking, and those assumptions create anxiety in us.

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Self-differentiation is also about being a self while letting others do the same. It's knowing how to express yourself in healthy ways without making assumptions about how others will respond. It's about taking responsibility for self and not taking responsibility for how the other will respond. Smith has some great examples of taking responsibility for self looks like instead of assuming we know what another is thinking. She writes, It's my responsibility to let people know what's going on with me. Let people know what I think about important subjects. Let people know if I want to spend time with them. Let people know if I'd like an opportunity. Let people know if I need help. Let people know what I can and cannot do. Be connected to them so they can let me know important information. Notice how this is all about taking responsibility for self to self-define and remain emotionally connected. Of course, this is great in theory, but It's harder in practice. This is one reason reflection, self-awareness, and intentionality are so important. Taking time to think about what really matters to you, about your goals and values is essential. It's nearly impossible to express yourself if you don't even know what you want.

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Here are two examples from my own life, one personal and one professional. This past week, we were supposed to meet with a legal professional with two other family members in an office that was nearly an hour away from our house. Our plan was to have the meeting and then afterwards go to lunch at a restaurant that we really love but rarely go to because it's so far away. Unfortunately, the day before the meeting, it got pushed back to the following week. One of the family members texted that they were still up for meeting for lunch. As you might imagine, I felt a little pressure to go. I knew rationally that the other person wasn't pressuring me, but I also felt this desire to please and not let them down. I knew I needed to stop and think clearly about how I wanted to respond. I was going to have to drive that distance again the following week, and I didn't feel I could take the time to do that twice. So I thought about how I could respond, and I texted back. Going to have to pass on that one. Would love to, but since I'm going to have to rearrange my schedule to make the meeting next week, I need to avoid 2 hours in the car round trip two times.

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They were fine with it. The point here is that I did not make any assumptions about what they were thinking. I managed the tension between emotional connection and self-definition and my own anxiety. The second example happened about six weeks ago. I got an email from the chair of the Board of Ordained Ministry, also known as Bum, from one of the annual conferences that I serve doing leadership development. Bum is responsible for clergy oversight. They wanted me to come and explain about our leadership priorities so that they could better guide the candidates that we have responsibility for training. Unfortunately, the day they offered was the same date I was supposed to be at a day-long retreat to debrief the annual conference of churches from the other annual conference that I serve. I had an email exchange with the boom chair to find other dates this summer, but it just wasn't going to work. I thought about it and said to myself, I don't want to put this off until fall if I can, but this is really not my call to make. During my bi weekly one on one with the person I relate to in my leadership development work, who was also responsible for the day long retreat, I shared situation and asked, What do you think it's more important that I do?

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If I wanted to assume what they were thinking, I probably would have said the retreat. In reality, I thought the boom meeting was slightly more important because there would be others at the retreat to help debrief the annual conference. But I didn't want to assume what they were thinking, so I asked the question. There was a long pause, and they said I should go to the boom meeting. Some might think this is not taking responsibility for self because I put this decision on someone else, but it was more about not assuming what the other was thinking. If they had asked me what I thought, I would have told them. I thought the boom meeting was more important, but I wanted to give them the freedom to weigh in without hearing my bias. These are two examples of where pausing can help you take time to think about what's important to you without assuming what the other is thinking. This gives you a better chance to take responsibility for self while letting the other do the same. Finally, it's worth mentioning that taking the time after the fact to reflect on those situations where you don't get it right is also important.

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Why? Because it helps you think clearly about the situation, helps you assess how you responded, and think through how you would do it differently the next time. It gives you the opportunity to think about your goals and values without the pressure of the situation bearing on you. Then, if you re-imagine the situation with you responding as a non-anxious presence, you are more likely to do better in the future. Doing this takes advantage of your brain's plasticity to rewire neural pathways. When a memory is recalled, it enters a destabilized state requiring reconsolidation. Reimagining or reframing an event can strengthen certain pathways while pruning others, effectively actively rewiring how that memory is stored and accessed. For example, reframing can help victims of PTSD use reconsolidation to weaken distressing memories. For our purposes, reflection and intentional Personally reimagining a healthy response helps you to visualize new outcomes in similar situations. This can help you change your internal narrative so that you respond differently in the future. Self-differentiation is a journey. When you don't assume what others are thinking and you take the time to get clear on what matters to you, you have a better chance of being your best self.

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It's not easy work, but it's work worth doing. That's it for episode 338. Don't forget that you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com, and you can find more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. If you found this episode helpful, please share someone who will benefit, and please leave a review in your podcast platform of choice. Thank you for your help. Until next time, go be yourself.