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Welcome to episode 337 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. If you are new to this podcast, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com, and you can get more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. You can find out about my coaching practice, speaking engagements, the books that I've written, and the courses that I offer, as well as subscribe to my 2 for Tuesday email newsletter. You can also subscribe to that newsletter at a link that I will provide in the show notes. Finally, if you'd like to support my work for as little as $5 a month, you can go to the link in the show notes and find out more. This helps me to continue to provide these resources, and I thank you in advance for your consideration. Now, without further ado, here is episode 337, Nobody likes to be told what to do.

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Do this instead. The idea for this episode came from an episode of the Choiceology podcast, Rebel with a Cause. I will put a link in the show notes. In that episode, host Katie Milkman interviews Christopher Brian, an associate professor from the University of Texas, about his research on the psychological concept of reactance. Psychological reactance refers to the instinctive resistance people feel when they perceive their freedom of choice as being limited or threatened. Nobody likes to be told what to do. Reactance often manifestsates as defiance or doing the opposite of what is being urge, simply to reclaim a sense of autonomy. Brian's research harnesses or sidesteps this reactance to positively influence behavior in a variety of situations. His work focuses on subtle shifts in language or framing to encourage positive responses without provoking defensive resistance. In family systems terms, Brian's research helps us not only understand how to avoid a conflict of wills, but also how even small tweaks in wording can result in outsized differences in behavior. Let's break it down. In one widely cited study, Brian and his colleagues reframed healthy eating as an act of defiance against manipulative junk food marketers. Ninth graders were given a so-called exposé on how the food industry targets them with deceptive marketing tactics and unfair practices such as exploiting youth and impoverished communities.

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This framing tapped into the teens his natural impulse to stick it to the man, triggering anger at the food industry rather than at health authorities. As a result, the teens chose healthier snacks like water and fruit over soda and chips when given an opportunity shortly afterwards. Forward. Importantly, this effect persisted beyond the lab and school cafeterias. Students, especially boys, continued to buy less junk food and sugary drinks for months after the one-time intervention. By aligning healthy behavior with teenage values of autonomy and fairness, Brian effectively neutralized the reactance that often undermines nutrition education. Some might call this reverse psychology, but the important element is the focus focus on identity, values, and personal agency. This study emphasized the identity and values of not giving in to the man. In this case, corporations that tried to manipulate kids into eating unhealthy and addictive foods. This spoke to the rebellious nature inherent in adolescence, which reflects the innate desire for personal agency. Edwin Friedmann often noted that this was a natural part of growing up. It's how young people learn to find their own voice, their own values. When adults try to squash this natural desire, they instinctively push back.

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And in many ways, we never lose this desire for personal agency. While not obvious, this experiment included what Friedmann called Paradox. How? It gave students a choice in what snack they could have, healthy or unhealthy, rather than telling them what they had to do. This is important because Friedmann said that paradox is not reverse psychology. Rather, it is a way to manage one's own anxiety to avoid a conflict of wills, and it gives a responsibility of choice back to the other. In essence, it emphasizes the personal agency of the other. In another set of experiments, Brian explored how wording can deter unethical behavior. Participants were given an opportunity to earn money by cheating on a task with no risk of being caught. One group was simply requested, Please don't cheat, while another was told, Please don't be a cheater. This tiny change in language had a dramatic effect on honesty. When asked not to cheat, which focused on behavior, many participants took the chance to cheat for profit. But when avoiding cheating was linked to the person's identity, that is, don't be a cheater, virtually no one cheated. In one experiment, about 21% of participants cheated under the plain instruction, whereas nobody cheated when the cheater label invoked.

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This idea that cheating would taint their character made people internalize honesty as part of their self-image. Importantly, it did so without any threat or authority pressure. Participants were free to cheat, but the idea of being a cheat or dissuaded them. By avoiding a confrontational tone and appealing to one's moral identity, the intervention prevented unethical behavior without the reactance or defensiveness that harsher warnings might provoked. Brian had similar findings in a study designed to find the best way to get young children to help with chores. He discovered that phrasing the request in terms of being a helper, a noun which implied identity rather than the action to help, significantly increased children's willingness to assist. Simply calling a child a helper made them eager to live up to that role, whereas a direct plea to help could be ignored or rejected. By framing prosocial behavior as a trait or an identity that is being helpful or being a helper, instead of a chore, bypass the natural contrarianess or reactance of the toddlers. I don't often talk about how important a sense of identity is to self-differentiation, but I believe this research highlights it. I often say that an essential part of self-differentiation is knowing your own goals and values.

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This is an expression of our sense of who we are, that is, of our identity. When we think about identity in the context of family systems theory, we're talking about something much deeper than just personality traits or preferences. Identity encompasses our core sense of self, our fundamental beliefs about who we are, what we stand for, and what gives our life meaning and direction. Without a clear sense of identity, that is a clear sense of self, we become vulnerable to what Murray Bowen called emotional fusion, losing ourselves in the expectations needs and emotional reactions of others. Think about how this plays out in leadership. A leader who lacks a clear sense of their own identity might find themselves constantly shifting positions based on the loudest voice in the room, that is, based on surrounding togetherness pressure, trying to please everyone while standing for nothing. Conversely, a leader with a strong sense of self can remain steady and principled even when facing intense pressure to conform or react. Their sense of identity helps inoculate them from the influence of others approval or disapproval. This is not to say they don't care what others think. It's that their identity, their sense of self enables them to be a self while letting others do the same.

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This connection between identity and differentiation also explains why self-differentiation is such challenging work. It requires us to move beyond the external definitions of self we've absorbed from family, culture, and social systems, and instead, cultivate an internal sense of who we are. This internal compass, rooted in our deepest values, convictions, and sense of calling, becomes the foundation from which we can engage with others authentically while maintaining appropriate emotional boundaries. Without this sense of identity, our attempts at differentiation end up with reactivity, that is, a conflict of wills, adaptivity, anxious people-pleasing, or emotional distancing, even to the point of cutoff. These might help us manage our anxiety in the moment, but they are not helpful to relationships, leadership, or the overall functioning of the relationship system. On the flip side, understanding the importance of identity and values can help you avoid a conflict of wills while creating healthy emotional connection and space for people to follow on their own. Here's an example. A The pastor says to the worship committee, We need to add some contemporary elements to our traditional service if we want the church to grow. Notice how this is telling others what to do, and nobody likes to be told what to do.

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It focuses on behavior and not on identity and values. It will likely result in a conflict of wills. Understanding Brian's research and family systems theory would result in something more like this. I believe we need to add contemporary elements our traditional service to reach new people. I believe that each of you are on this worship committee because you want to help others encounter God in meaningful ways in worship. You're the leaders who want everybody who comes here to experience authentic worship. As we think about adjustments to the service, I trust that your concern for the spiritual transformation of others will guide our decisions. There are two important elements here. First, you self-define Clearly stating your position without telling others what to do. Second, you avoid a conflict of wills while appealing to the identity and values of others. Remember, leadership through self-differentiation is the ability to self-define in healthy ways while maintaining emotional connection, especially with the most resistant. Understanding the concept of reactance and how connecting with personal agency, identity, and values can help you do that. Or, as I like to say, effective leaders say what they believe while giving others the freedom to disagree.

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When you do this but state your positions in terms of the identity and values that others hold, they are more likely to follow. That's it for episode 337. Remember, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com, and you can find more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. If you have found this episode helpful, Please share it with someone who might benefit, and please leave a review on your podcast platform of choice. Thank you for your help. Until next time. Go be yourself.