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Welcome to Episode 323 of the Non Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. If you're new to this podcast, you can connect with me by emailing me at jack@christian-leaders.com you can send me your questions, your comments and your suggestions for future episodes and and you can get more resources thenonanxiousleader.com you can find out about my books, my speaking engagements, my coaching and you can subscribe to my two for Tuesday email newsletter. I'll also put a link to that subscription page in the Show Notes and finally, you can become a patron for as little as $5 a month gives you access to an exclusive online community and at least one live event each month, such as a Q and A or a special presentation or study. And for $9 a month you can get all of that, plus a significant discount on everything that I offer, including positive intelligence. Thank you for your prayerful consideration.

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And now, without further ado, Here is episode 323 how self differentiation makes you happier the hedonistic treadmill, also known as hedonic adaptation, is a psychological concept describ how people tend to return to a stable level of happiness despite significant positive changes in their lives. For instance, if someone experiences a big life event like winning the lottery or getting a promotion, they might feel a surge of happiness, but over time they adapt to their new circumstances and their happiness levels return to a baseline. The treadmill metaphor illustrates how people keep striving for happiness by chasing after new goals or acquiring more possessions, but they often end up staying, staying in the same place emotionally. In his book the Hunter Gatherers of Tanzania, Frank Marlow maintains that the Hadza often report higher levels of happiness compared to people in modern industrialized societies. Despite their lack of material wealth and modern conveniences, their strong social bonds, connection to nature, and simpler lifestyle contribute to their well being.

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Studies indicate that their happiness may stem from fulfilling fundamental human needs like community and autonomy, which are sometimes harder to balance in modern life. In his article For a happier Life, we must balance two old psychological needs, William von Hippel, who cites Marlowe's book, writes, based on evolutionary theory and psychological research, I have come to believe that human evolution has led to a pair of Competing psychological needs that must be balanced in order for individuals to experience lasting happiness. These needs reflect two key goals our distant ancestors had to to bond with others for their mutual protection and to develop personal skills to make them valuable to their group and potential mates. In service of these goals, our ancestors evolved two corresponding needs that still drive us today. From childhood through to old age, humans have a need for connection and a need for autonomy.

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In family systems terms, these two needs are the two components of self emotional connection and self definition. Von Hippel defines connection as cooperating, forming social bonds, establishing long term romantic relationships, and attaching oneself to a group. The evolutionary component of connection was survival, especially to avoid predators, whether animal or human. Those who did not value connection were more likely to be removed from the gene pool. Or, as von Hippel writes, genes pushed our ancestors to connect.

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Their cultural rules demanded connection. Parental socialization reinforced the message, and daily life reminded them that they couldn't live without it. He emphasizes that connection is still critical to human thriving, but is balanced by the need for autonomy. At the same time, the need for connection was supplemented by a need for autonomy. By autonomy, I mean self governance, choosing a path based on your own needs, preferences or skills, and making independent decisions.

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Connection makes humans effective in their struggles against predators and harsh environment. But autonomy allows a person to increase their usefulness to others. How does autonomy serve this role? By motivating us to pursue domains in which we have the best prospects. Von Hippel notes that humans have the unique capacity to envision the future.

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This is the goals and values aspect of self definition. Edwin Friedman noted that one of the most important roles of a leader is vision. People need to have a sense of where they are going. This is true for the leader and for the people they lead. The tension between emotional connection and self definition or autonomy is that we need both to be happy.

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If we are out of balance in one direction or the other, we will feel either isolated or smothered. Self definition without emotional connection creates too much emotional distance, which will increase our anxiety and reduce happiness. On the other hand, too much connection, that is togetherness without self definition, will also increase anxiety. I've often said that traditional cultures heavily emphasize togetherness, that is emotional connection. The values of the system rule, which creates a more stable culture.

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However, the individual who lacks the autonomy to self define feels smothered. On the other hand, modern industrial cultures focus on self definition to the point where there are no common values and togetherness and connection suffer. It is this latter state that many industrial societies, like my own, find themselves in. It leads to what Von Hippel calls sad success stories, achievements that feel hollow because there's no one to share with no emotional connection. Von Hippel maintains that the modern need for autonomy is evolutionary.

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When a tribe broke camp and went north, you couldn't go south or you would perish, and that created this desire to have autonomy. He compares the opportunity that we now have for autonomy to fat, salt and sugar. We were evolved to crave them because they were rare. But now that we can get as much as we want, the excess leads to its own problem. Likewise, we have more autonomy now than ever.

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He writes. Where once people were physically fit and highly connected because they spent their lives hungry and threatened, now many of us are out of shape and highly autonomous because we live in comfort and safety. Just because the modern world allows us to live a certain way doesn't mean it makes us happy. We may get what we want when we prioritize autonomy, but not what we need. To combat this, Von Hippel suggests that we incorporate connection into our lives in a way that we can do it with the least friction.

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His example is that he and his sister like to do the New York Times crossword, but they live far apart. Every Thursday through Sunday she calls him after having made her morning coffee, puts earbuds in, and they chit chat together while doing the puzzle. This seems like a simple thing, but it is a way to stay connected to people who matter. And while I definitely agree with Von Hippel on the tension between autonomy and connection, I disagree that this is all about finding more connection. Why?

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Because I believe another source of unhappiness is our inability to self differentiate in the mid of surrounding togetherness pressure. In this case, there is too much emotional connection. When this happens, it's hard to be a self. Or as Friedman says, it's the inability to say I when others are demanding you or we when others are saying we or you need to do this. This is surrounding togetherness pressure, and it makes it hard to self define.

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It makes it hard to have autonomy. This is a cause of unhappiness because we don't have that sense of autonomy in the relationships that matter most to us, whether it's in our family, congregation or organization. So while I agree with Von Hippel on his general thesis of the tension between emotional connection and autonomy or self definition, I don't think it's always about needing to increase connection. Instead, I would distinguish by saying that we need to maintain that healthy balance between the two through self awareness and intentionality. This is why knowing your goals and values is so important.

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When you are able to define what really matters, then you have a better chance of choosing autonomy in a healthy way, that is you can express yourself to others and your relationship systems while staying emotionally connected. I also wonder if those so called sad success stories are the result of people who don't take the time to reflect on their goals and values, but instead just take on the values of the systems in which they function. In that case, we may think we have autonomy, that we're self defining, but we're actually conforming to surrounding togetherness pressure. We are taking on the values of the system in which we function. The bottom line is if you are unhappy, ask yourself where am I out of balance?

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Do I lack healthy connection with those who matter most to me? Am I able to self define that is Exercise autonomy as a non anxious presence? Am I clear on what matters most to me, that is my goals and values so that I can express them in healthy ways while staying emotionally connected? If, as Von Hippel suggests, the two main psychological components of sustained happiness are emotional connection and autonomy self definition, then growing in self differentiation is likely to make you happier. That's been my experience.

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That's it for episode 323. Don't forget you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com and you can find more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com and if you have found this episode helpful, please share it with someone else who might benefit. And please leave a review on your podcast platform of choice. Thank you for your help. Until next time, go be yourself.