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Welcome to Episode 319 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Before we get into today's episode, I want to announce something new, and that is the opportunity to support my work by giving just a few dollars a month, five dollars a month or more, to help me improve the quality and reach of my podcast, Two for Tuesday email newsletter and other resources. When you do that, you're going join a community of people who want to grow as a non-anxious presence, personally and professionally. You'll have exclusive access to that, a live event once a month, such as a Q&A or a workshop. For just a few more dollars a month, you can get discounts on courses, on coaching, on workbooks, on just about everything I offer, including positive intelligence. I'll put a link in the show notes if you'd like to find out more, and thank you in advance for your prayerful consideration.

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If you're new to this podcast, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com. You can get more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com, and you can subscribe to my Two for Tuesday email newsletter there or at the link in the show notes. Now, without further ado, here is episode 319, How Not to Parent or Lead. Nearly two decades I had a mentor who was on the board of trustees for a small Christian college. He shared with me that one of the challenges they faced was parents wanting to rent a dorm room so they could be close to their children during their freshman year. As a camp director, I was not surprised. I had witnessed the rise of so-called helicopter parents who felt the need to hover over their children to make sure they were there to help whenever their child faced a challenge. As you might guess, in family systems terms, this is over functioning and takes away the child's ability to grow more resilient when handling challenges. Eventually, the term snowplow parent emerged, which took over functioning to a new level. Instead of hovering over a child to be there when a challenge arrived, a snowplow parent is proactive, clearing away any potential challenges before they occur.

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I realized this was a real phenomenon when I overheard a parent while watching a Little League baseball game. She was complaining because she had to write a paper for her son, who was a college sophomore. I was reminded of this recently when I came across a Wall Street Journal article, Parents who hire elite tutors are setting up their kids for Free Failure by Katie Royfe. I'll put a link in the show notes. It's supposed to be a gift article link that will give you access without hitting a paywall. The article covers the current practice of hiring tutors who are not there to help a they're there to do the work for them. As Royfe notes, this is more than buying opportunity for kids. It's cheating. The article cites where tutors write papers, college essays, and do routine homework assignments. In one case, a legitimate tutoring business sends a tutor ninth-grade math homework. She completes it and sends it back without ever meeting the kid. Royfe writes, It seems to me that the children who are writing their own papers were studying for their own tests have an advantage here. They are learning to work, to write, to risk, to struggle, to fail, while these over-tutored children are learning to pay someone else to do the work for them.

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How do you gain confidence if your tutor turned in an A paper on the great Gatsby? If these children actually read Gatsby, they might learn something about the futility of materialism. Räufey is getting at the essence of the situation. Kids with snow plow parents are missing out on the opportunity to learn and grow more capable and confident. The parents' desire to nurture and protect their child is well-intentioned but gets distorted by their over functioning. From a family system's perspective, it is the parents' anxiety that turns a challenge into a problem. They want their kid to succeed, and they can't fathom the thought that they might fail in any way. As Reuffy writes, These parents are so panicked about kids going to Ivy League schools, and after that, onto banks and hedge funds and prestigious companies that they are neglecting to create kids who can actually function in these places. There is a leadership analogy here as well. I've encountered countless pastors who have gone into situations where their predecessor has done everything for the congregation. This goes well beyond preaching, visiting, and running meetings. It includes doing the bulletin, the monthly newsletter, and even cleaning the sanctuary.

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When the pastor has asked how something gets done, the common response is, Oh, the previous pastor did that. What the overfunctioning pastor did was create a situation where congregants were no longer willing and or able to take on responsibility for the ministry of the Church. This typically happens when the pastor, the leader, is either unable to withstand the surrounding togetherness pressure from the congregation to do everything for them, and/or they are unable to see others do things on their own for fear they might fail. In either case, as well as with snowplow parents, the family system's principle here is the ability to self-regulate one's own anxiety so that self-differentiation is possible. Whether you're a parent, a pastor, or a president, there is value in managing your own anxiety to give those you lead a chance to face their own challenges. Sure, it's your responsibility to make sure the mission of your relationship system is achieved. However, this usually involves long-term thinking, which means helping develop the capacity of those you lead. This means keeping your anxiety in check so that you don't over function and so that you allow others sufficient autonomy to tackle a challenge without your interference.

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Next week, I'll cover what What can you can do when you follow a leader who continually over functioned? For now, I want to share two things you can do to foster a culture where people learn to take responsibility for self while facing challenges. When you do this as a leader, the whole system grows more resilient. The first thing you can do to foster a culture of resilience is to focus on effort, not outcomes. Focusing on an earnest effort as opposed to always having successful results acknowledges that not everything we do is going to work. This doesn't avoid failure, but it does help to avoid having those you lead, whether children or adults, measure their own self-worth against their successes and failures. More importantly, it develops intrinsic motivation that helps them to take satisfaction from giving their best effort. Focusing on effort instead of results won't shield them from the inevitable disappointment that occurs when something doesn't go their way. It does put the emphasis on personal growth and what was learned rather than the mistake or failure itself. Sarah Blakely wanted to be a trial attorney, but there was one problem. She failed the LSAT miserably.

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So instead, she sold copiers door to door for seven years. Then she came up with the idea for a body shape or she called Spanks. The company grew rapidly, and in 2012, Blakely was named one of Time magazine's 100 Most Influential People. Blakely said in a Bloomberg business interview, My attitude toward failure is not attached to outcome, but in trying. It is liberating. Most people attach failure to something not working out or how people perceive you. This way, it is about answering to yourself. If that's not self-differentiation, I don't know what is. Taking responsibility for self means you take responsibility for your own effort. You can't always control the outcome. It means not worrying about what people think about you. It's not worrying about the surrounding togetherness pressure in the relationship system. When you do this, you encourage others to take responsibility for self and to follow their goals and values. When that is in line with the mission of the relationship system, that is a win. The second One thing you can do to foster a culture of resilience is to emphasize the importance of learning from failure. Thomas Edison famously quipped, I have not failed.

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I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. I recently read that the only time we fail is when we don't learn from our mistakes. I don't recall who wrote this, but it rings true to me. When failure is seen as a way to learn new information and get better at what it's doing, it becomes a positive instead of a negative. Asking questions such as, What have you learned from this? And, What would you do differently next time? Puts the focus on extracting value from the situation. Of course, you can and should ask yourself the same questions whenever things don't go the way you expected or hoped. Back to Blakely, the Spanks founder. She was asked by Bloomberg about the best business advice she had ever received. Her answer, It probably came down to my father. When I was growing up, he encouraged us to fail. We'd come home from school, and at dinner, he'd say, What did you fail at today? If there was nothing, he'd be disappointed. It was a really interesting reverse psychology. I would come home and say that I tried out for something and it was just horrible, and he high-fived me.

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This type of attitude fosters an ability to adapt and innovate. It also removes any stigma related to failure. What's important is not the outcome, but what is learned. Of course, remaining a non-anxious presence is essential to this type of approach. By showing you care enough about others to let them try on their own, you are staying emotionally You are being connected. You are being present. When you don't get reactive when things don't go well, you are being non-anxious. You are giving them a chance to grow more resilient and capable. This doesn't mean you don't offer support and guidance when they ask. Ask. It's more about keeping your own anxiety in check. When you can do this and not over function, it will help you grow as a leader, personally and professionally. That's it for episode 3 19. Remember, if you want to support my work, you can find a link in the show notes to find out more details. If you have found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who might benefit. Please leave a review in podcast platform of choice. Until next time, go be yourself.