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Welcome to Episode 314 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. If you are new to this podcast, you can connect with me by emailing me at jack@christian-leaders.com with your comments, suggestions, and ideas for future episodes. You can also get more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com, and you can sign up for my Two for Tuesday email newsletter there or at the link in the show notes. Now, without further ado, here is episode 314, A Family System's Take on Seth Godin's 10 Elements of a System, Part 3. In the first two episodes in this series, I covered six of the 10 elements of a system, according to Seth Godin. These are boundaries, benefits, bystanders, information flows, stability, and protocols. If you haven't listened to those episodes, I encourage you to do that before listening to this one. The seventh element of a system, according to Seth Godin, is roles. Within systems, individuals seek status and affiliation through their actions. Roles are defined and offered in exchange for loyalty and support. By fulfilling these roles, participants gain recognition and a sense of belonging. Roles help fulfill our need for connection. Roles can be both formal and informal.

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In a family, you have formal roles such as parent, child, sibling, etc. But people also take on informal roles. Who in your family is the soother? That is, the one who always comforts those in pain. Who is the over functioner? Who is the under functioner? You might ask these same questions of a congregation or an organization. When people take on certain roles in a system, they are contributing to the stability or homeostasis. People find comfort in letting people have these roles, which contributes to their sense of belonging. One formal role of note is that of the leader, whether that's a parent, pastor, or president. According to Edwin Friedmann, the leader is the most triangled person in any relationship system. This makes sense. Why? Because most people are not able and or willing to manage their own anxiety and discomfort in self-differentiated ways. Therefore, they find a way to triangle, and the leader is an easy target. Non-anxious leaders understand this and are not only able to recognize triangles, but they are able to manage them by remaining a non-anxious presence. While beyond the scope of this episode, the main way to do this is to stay connected to each side of the triangle in a healthy way without trying to change the relationship of the other two.

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Godon's eighth element of a system is resilience and feedback loops. Systems possess resilience allowing them to withstand disruptions and to return to equilibrium. Feedback loops, like a thermostat in a heating and cooling system, are mechanisms that help maintain balance and prevent systems from spiraling out of control. The more self differentiated the members of any relationship system, the more resilient that system will be. When individuals in a system take responsibility for self and their own beliefs, goals, and values without trying to define or blame others, and they are able to focus on whatever challenges they face in productive ways. This can not only facilitate a return to equilibrium, it can also foster positive growth or change, which establishes a new equilibrium. When people define and blame others, they turn a challenge into a problem, making it difficult to find a way forward because they are not focused on their own functioning. The role of the non-anxious leader is to model taking responsibility for self as a non-anxious presence. The primary feedback loop in a relationship system is reactivity. Remember that reactivity can be either reactivity or adaptivity. When When people respond this way instead of self-differentiating, they contribute to the homeostasis of the system.

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Why? Because the focus becomes on others and not on healthy change or a healthy response to whatever challenge they face. When a leader self-defines while remaining emotionally connected, observe how people respond. The healthy ones will state their own positions in non-anxious ways, whether they agree or disagree. In contrast, those who are reactive are focused on the leader or the issue. They focus on trying to change the minds of other people and/or blaming others. Those who are adaptive respond by giving in without speaking up for themselves. This may not be as much of an issue when the leader is self-differentiated, but when a leader is unwilling to accept disagreement, it contributes to the stuckness of a system. When a leader demands that others agree with them and people are unable to disagree in healthy ways, the feedback loops of reactivity and adaptivity make change even harder to achieve. Godon's ninth element of a system is convenience and efficiency. Despite their imperfections, systems continue to thrive because they offer convenience and efficiency. People are often willing to trade many things for these benefits, finding it easier to stick with a system than to seek alternatives. Alternatives. Think we've always done it this way before.

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There is comfort in knowing how things are done. In relationship systems, this is rooted in the unwritten rules and norms of the system. People like us do things like this. Over the years, I've preached in a lot of congregations. It's fascinating to see how each one does things differently, whether it's the order of worship, how they celebrate communion, how they express themselves or not, etc. If one is an outsider, it can be difficult to understand what to expect next. For example, when there is special music, I am unsure whether or not to applaud. Some congregations do, and others don't. Neither is right or wrong. It only took a couple of times of me being the only one to clap for me to realize that I need to delay my response just a moment to see what the norm is. Of course, families and organizations are similar. The point of norms and unwritten rules is that people don't have to think. They can just do. It's convenient and efficient. This is all well and good until somebody wants to disrupt the homeostasis through change. Even when the change is positive, anxiety and resistance will increase. Godin's 10th element of a system is side effects.

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No system is without side effects. These are the unintended consequences that affect both participants assistants and bystanders. While systems strive to minimize these negative consequences, they are often an inevitable part of the system's operation. To some extent, everyone is affected by anything that goes on in a relationship system. The more tight knit the relationships, the more this is true, though that doesn't necessarily mean that the effect of any incident or occurrence is negative. The key here is the overall level of self-differentiation in the system. There is an inverse There's a close relationship between this level and the side effects. The lower the self-differentiation, the greater the negative side effects and vice versa. For example, in a family or congregation where overall self-differentiation is low, an incident that affects one person tends to ripple through the entire system. Anxiety increases, people get upset, triangling occurs, people blame others, and avoid taking responsibility for self. Remember, this is about emotional process, not content. The incident or occurrence can be anything. In a family, that could be a death, job loss, a divorce, an auto accident, the list goes on and on. The same is true for congregations and organizations.

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Leadership and policy changes, loss of membership or market share, or property loss are just a few examples. To the extent the relationship system is more self-differentiated, people will take responsibility for their their own functioning without defining others. This gives the system a chance to respond to the challenge and use it as an opportunity for growth. Remember, too, that positive change can have the same effect. All change is loss. The old is gone and the homeostasis is upset. Whether it's a negative or a positive, healthier systems will build on that opportunity for growth. Those that are less healthy will struggle and find ways to undermine each No good deed goes unpunished. In summary, systems are primarily focused on sustaining themselves. Culture, embodied by Seth Godin's statement, People like us do things like this, is a subtle yet powerful way that they enforce their norms and practices. The system perpetuates itself through the collective actions and beliefs of its participants. Understanding this can help you observe what's going on in any relationship system without blaming others or yourself. More importantly, it's a reminder that even though a system is powerful, a non-anxious presence can still lead lasting and meaningful change.

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That's it for episode 314. Remember, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com and find more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. If you have found this episode helpful, please share it with somebody else who might benefit. And please leave a review on your podcast platform of choice. Thanks for your help. Until next time, go be yourself.