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Welcome to Episode 313 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. If you are new to this podcast, you can connect with me by emailing me at jack@christian-leaders.com with your questions, comments, and ideas for future episodes. If you want to get more information, you can go to thenonanxiousleader.com, and you can subscribe there or at a link in the show notes to my two for Tuesday email newsletter. Now, without further ado, here is episode 313, A Family System's Take on Seth Godin's 10 Elements of a System, Part 2. If you haven't listened to part one of this episode, I encourage you to do that first. In that episode, I covered the first three elements of a system from Seth Godin's new book, This is Strategy. Those elements are boundaries, benefits, and bystanders. According to Seth, the fourth element of a system is information flows. If information is not flowing, you don't have a system. This typically is understood as communication, and it includes shared language, expectations, and norms that ensure trust and efficiency. Efficient information flow is vital for the smooth operation of systems, enabling participants to coordinate and collaborate effectively. There are two important family systems aspects to mention here.

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The first is to understand that information flow can also be understood in a family systems context as the force for togetherness or surrounding togetherness pressure. Shared language, expectations, and norms reflect the explicit and implicit rules by which we will function in a system, whether it's a family, congregation, or organization. Or, as Goden says, people like us do things like this. On the positive side, when people have these shared understandings, which come from healthy emotional connection and self-definition, that is, come from self-differentiation, you will see effective information flow. When this happens, people can do things more quickly and with more resilience. The challenge is that when systems get too comfortable, much of the information flow becomes implicit. When you hear people talking with insider language or making assumptions about what everybody knows, then information flow is not happening. For example, simply assuming that everybody is coming home for the holidays without asking may have been the family norm. But as soon as someone decides not to, but either isn't asked whether they are coming and or doesn't say anything out of fear of upsetting things, information flow is nonexistent. The second point is that just because information is flowing doesn't mean it's efficient.

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From a system standpoint, the biggest challenge here is triangling. An emotional triangle is formed by any three persons or issues. When any two parts of a triangle become uncomfortable with their relationship, they manage the anxiety and discomfort in their relationship by focusing on a third person or issue. For example, a person may be uncomfortable with their transition to retirement, which would be an issue, and they manage their anxiety by complaining about their pastor's sermons, an issue tied to a person. Or a parent of an adult child may not like how they are raising their children and complains to one of their other adult children. Triangles are everywhere. In fact, Murray Bowen maintained that the triangle is the most stable form of human relationship because people are not self-differentiated enough to have stable one-on-one relationships. Instead of dealing with anxiety and discomfort between them in a healthy way, that is, by defining self and not the other, while remaining emotionally connected, they find a way to triangle a third person or issue. A triangle is a form of information flow, but it's not efficient information flow. In fact, it's the opposite. It causes factions to occur and impedes healthy communication.

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Efficient information flow occurs when people say what they believe while giving others the freedom to do the same, even if they disagree. One thing you can do as a leader in your family, congregation, or organization is to model self-differentiation. It will help facilitate healthy and efficient information flow. Godon's fifth element of a system is stability. One of the key attractions of systems is the stability they offer. Participants can rely on predictable outcomes and a stable future. This stability, rooted in an evolutionary desires, also explains why systems can become stuck and resistant to change. This is rooted in the family system's principle of homeostasis, which can also be described as balance or equilibrium. In generation to Degeneration, Family Process in Church and Synagogue, Edwin Friedmann defines homeostasis as, The tendency of any set of relationships to strive perpetually in self-corrective ways to preserve the organizing principles of its existence. Think people like us do things like this. Thus, whenever a system goes out of balance, that is, there is a change that upsets the homeostasis, it will automatically try to move things back to where they were. Anxiety and the system increases, which requires people to manage their own anxiety.

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I say often that all change is lost. So even a positive change, such as a marriage, birth of a child, promotion promotion or retirement, let alone a death, divorce or job loss, all upset the homeostasis of a family relationship system. In a congregation or organization, changing leaders obviously upsets the homeostasis. But any other change can do the same, like the death of a key person or a change in policy or procedure. If you've ever tried to change your worship time in a congregation, you understand exactly what the homeostatic forces feel like. These It can include outright criticism, that is reactivity, triangling, and emotional cutoff. Understanding the desire for stability or homeostasis is essential for any leader who wants to make a difference. Why? Because doing this will involve change, and that will upset the homeostasis. It's part of the process. Simply knowing this gives you a better chance of leading as a non-anxious presence. Godon The sixth element of a system is protocols. Systems operate through established protocols, shorthand processes, and methods. These codified procedures dictate how things are done, ensuring consistency and reliability. Protocols can range from simple rules to complex regulations. This is similar to information flow in that this involves the written and unwritten rules of how we do things.

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It's important to note that every system is different and even in like systems, things can be done quite differently. For example, each family manages how they celebrate holidays, raise children, handle conflict, and manage money, etc, in their own unique way. There may be similarities within a culture, but each relationship system is unique. Understanding the protocols of any system can help you move more quickly and effectively. For example, one tradition or protocol in our family is we always get together for Christmas dinner with my wife's two sisters and their families, whoever can make it. The only question is who will host? That's efficient. Another is there are eight adult children in our three families, eight cousins. Every year, they draw for their cousin's Christmas gift exchange. They know they are each going to buy one gift for one of their cousins. The only question is who? This makes life easier for everyone. The challenge comes when someone wants to do things differently, ignoring or downright criticizing the protocol. Just knowing the protocol gives you a better understanding of when the homeostasis is threatened and when anxiety will increase. For example, if my wife and I decided we wanted to do something with just our immediate family for Christmas dinner, that would be challenging the existing protocol.

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If you're listening, honey, I'm not saying I want to do this. It's just a hypothetical example. The unhealthy way to do this is to define and/or blame others, telling them they are always expecting too much from us and we're sick and tired of being told what to do. It's important to note that sometimes people say these types of things even when that's not what others are expecting of them. They are dealing with their own discomfort by focusing on others. Of course, the healthy way would be to self-define and stay emotionally connected, saying something like, I'm so grateful for the many years we kept up this tradition. That said, I'm looking to having Christmas dinner with our own immediate family. Our relationship is important to me, and I hope you'll understand. That doesn't mean there won't be reactivity and resistance. It does mean that you are making your best effort to be a non-anxious presence. What's important about understanding the elements of a system, especially from a family system standpoint, is that you will be better prepared to navigate challenges and lead change. That's what non-anxious leaders do. That's it for episode 313. I'll be back next week to continue with this family system's take on Seth Godin's 10 elements of a system.

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In the meantime, remember, you can connect with me by emailing me at jack@christian-leaders.com, and find more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who might benefit, and please leave a review on your podcast platform of choice. Thank you for your help. Until next time. Go be yourself.