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Welcome to Episode 312 on The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. This is the first episode of 2025. So Happy New Year to you. And I think I mentioned in the last rebroadcast that I was going to do an episode that would help you get a great start to 2025. And I was thinking about habit formation and willpower and self-discipline and all of that. Then I ran into a course that I'm taking with Seth Godin called This is Strategy. It's based on his new book, and it changed everything. Here's what I'm going to do. If you are focused on an important goal or resolution for 2025 and you want some help, then I will put a link in the show notes to a free digital copy of One New Habit, One Big Goal, Change Your Life in 12 Weeks. It's my book on Habit Formation. You can get a free copy of it, and you don't even have to give me your email address. Now, If you'd like to give me your email address, if you'd like to be on my email newsletter, you can go to the link to subscribe to my Two for Tuesday email in the show notes, or you can go to thenonanxiousleader.com, where I have more resources, and you can also sign up for the newsletter there. Finally, if you want to get in touch with me, you can email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. I love to hear your comments, questions, and ideas for future episodes. Now, without further ado, here is episode 312, a Family Systems take on Seth Godin's 10 Elements of a System, Part One. Systems are the backbone of our world, underpinning everything from nature to organizations and even our everyday routines. Of course, the focus of this podcast is relationship systems, whether that's a family, a congregation, or an organization. By examining the different elements that make up a system, we can gain a greater understanding of how they function, why they persist, and the impact they have on our lives. I'll be using Seth Godin's 10 elements of a system that I learned in his course, This is strategy, and is also included in his book by the same game. Goden emphasizes that we can't change a system unless we can recognize it and understand how it works. This is especially true when you're trying to change systemic injustice, but it's also true when an institution such as a aggregation or denomination is stuck.

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If you followed my work, you know I believe that a non-anxious presence can lead positive lasting change. What I want to do is relate Godin's understanding of systems to what it means to be a self-differentiated non-anxious leader, to what it means to lead through self-differentiation. Let's get started. According to Seth, the first element of a system is that it has boundaries. These define where where a system begins and ends. One way to identify boundaries is to observe where a system no longer exerts its influence. In a family, the boundary is usually clear-cut. Those who are related by blood are in and others are out. That said, sometimes people are considered family. Almost every family I know of has an aunt or uncle who is included in family activities and is considered one of us. Even then, they may or may not be part the anxiety patterns of the system. If they are able to function rather independently of those patterns, then they are outside of the system's influence. If not, then they are within the boundary. Congregations are similar in that there are members, but there are also those who attend without committing. In addition, there may be ministries that include and impact people who are not members or even attenders.

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From a family system standpoint, the question is, how influenced are they the anxiety patterns of the congregation? When there is a conflict or a pastoral change, are there automatic reactions triggered? If so, they're within the boundary. If not, they are outside of it. The same can be said of organizations. Employees are within the boundary. Volunteers may or may not be. The same is true for those they serve. What's helpful about understanding relationship systems in this way is that it will help you better understand how All change will affect people. This doesn't mean you don't continue to lead change. It does give you a better chance of understanding where the resistance and even sabotage may come from. Godin's second element of a system is that a system comes with benefits. People willingly become part of systems due to the benefits they offer. Examples of this are the prestige and job opportunities that come from attending a renowned college or the sense of belonging provided by joining a religion. The promises made by systems are often so compelling that individuals are eager to be part of them. Sometimes these are explicit, but often benefits are implied. The benefits of being a part of a family, whether spoken or unspoken, can be emotional and physical support systems that are deeper and stronger than just about any other relationship system.

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In family systems terms, families offer emotional connection that is so great, it is often hard to escape. On the positive side, this can be life-giving. On the negative side, the surrounding togetherness pressure can be smothering. Families can also provide a sense of identity that fosters healthy self-definition. This is true when that sense of identity also includes a healthy sense of purpose. But again, it can go to the other extreme when family identity leaves no room for differentiation. Each system is different. Congregations and organizations can also offer the benefits of emotional connection and a sense of purpose. Whether they allow for self-definition varies just as in families. And while families can offer the benefit of resources, when employment is involved, the benefits are explicit. I worked for a large corporation in my 20s, and the pay and benefits were great, but the work environment was dysfunctional at best and toxic at worst. The joke The work among employees is that we had golden handcuffs. We gave up any sense of agency in exchange for financial benefits. It worked for some, but not for me. The importance of understanding benefits as a non-anxious leader is to ask, Whose benefits will this change impact?

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Who will perceive they are losing benefits? Who might be gaining? Again, when you understand this, you will be better prepared for how people might respond or react. Godon's third element of a system is the existence of bystanders. Not everyone involved with a system chooses to be a part of it. Bystanders are those who are affected by a system despite not volunteering for participation. The system continues to operate, often indifferent to these individuals, focusing on its own goals and functions. Clergy children are often bystanders in a congregational or denominational system. They didn't ask to be a part of the system, yet they feel its impacts, often intensely. In fact, Edwin Friedmann noted that one of the clergy's most important tasks is to act as a circuit breaker between the anxiety of the congregation and their own nuclear family. When they don't do this, their family experiences the intensity of the congregation, and rarely is that positive. I remember being at a clergy gathering where a clergy spouse, who also who happened to be a preacher's kid, talked about how he hated the United Methodist Church's annual conference that occurred in late June every year. In those days, all churches had parsonages and owned all the furniture.

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Clergy would show up at the annual conference, and we'd be told if they were going to be appointed to the same church or if they would be reappointed to a new congregation. This man, the PK, tearfully shared about the anxiety he faced every year because if his father was reappointed, they would have to move within about a week. Because the average length of an appointment was two or three years, this happened way too often in this man's childhood. He was a bystander, yet the impact was lifelong. Again, knowing who the bystanders are in a system doesn't mean you don't seek to lead change. It does mean that you have a better understanding of what that change might mean and who will be impacted. It may not change what you feel called to do, but it might change how you go about it, or in some cases, you may find out that the collateral damage is too great and you want to find another way. This is an important point. Some people misinterpret leadership through self differentiation as plowing forward with what you want to do regardless of what other people think or how they might react.

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But that is self-definition without emotional connection. It's narcissism. Affective leaders value humility and curiosity as much as self-definition. They recognize that they don't know what they don't know, and just because they have passion and conviction, they may be wrong. Humility and curiosity foster healthy emotional connection so that even if the leader is right, they remain open to the possibility that they may need to course correct. If they are wrong, they can hear that before it's too late. This is more art than science. The key part of non-anxious leadership is movement. Let's do something. Let's go somewhere. We can be thoughtful, prayerful, and discerning. We can plan and do our homework. But in the end, we have to move because if we don't, the world around us will change and we will get left behind. The most important thing you can do as a leader is share your vision while remaining emotionally connected. When you do this, you focus people on a preferred future. There will be resistance, but you won't get there by doing nothing. That's it for episode 312. I will get to the other seven of Seth Godin's elements of a system in the next episode or two.

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It depends on how long it will take me to explain all of this. In the meantime, remember that if you have found this episode to be helpful, please share it with somebody who might benefit, and please leave a review on your podcast app of choice. Thanks for your help. Until next time, go be yourself.