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Welcome to Episode 307 of The Non Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama and I am traveling over Thanksgiving week and into the next week. And so this week and next I'm going to do a rebroadcast of an episode that I did a little over a year ago, but I think it's a real good one. A real good two parter. Anyway, if you need to contact me you can email me at jack@christian -leaders.com I love to hear your feedback, your questions and your ideas for future episodes.

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Also, you can find more resources at thenonxiousleader.com you can sign up for my 2 for Tuesday email newsletter there or through a link that I will provide in the show Notes and now, without further ado, Here is episode 307 Five Ways to Assess the Health of Any relationship system Part 1 of 2 the framework that I'm sharing comes from Developing a Systems Model for Family Assessment by Daniel Papero. He wrote this in 2018, and in it Papero shares a framework comprised of five different continuums along which one might measure a family system. In this episode, I'm going to share some background information along with the first two continuums. I'll also note that continuums is an alternate pronunciation of continua, which is the plural of continuum. My choice here is because I think it is more clearly understood as a plural for continuum.

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Anyway, I want to start by sharing Papero's summary of Murray Bowen's understanding of maturity or differentiation of self. In my work, I've tried to simplify this understanding into two components, self definition and emotional connection. Paperro writes, according to Bowen, people at the high end of the scale of differentiation of self have well developed goals and principles, a strong internal locus of control, flexibility in thought and action, and a general imperviousness to the praise or criticism of others. End quote. Non anxious leaders would do well to cultivate these characteristics, especially an imperviousness to praise or criticism.

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One of the primary reasons congregational leaders burn out is they are continually responding to surrounding togetherness pressure by trying to please those they are serving. And leading self definition means you know where you believe that God is leading. It doesn't mean you are right, but you are not concerned about either praise or criticism, just that you are able to express this in a healthy way. The problem is self definition without emotional connection can devolve into narcissism. According to Papero, highly differentiated people take responsibility for themselves in their thoughts and actions and have clarity about their duty to others in their family and to society more broadly.

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At the same time, they are aware of their degree of dependence on others. They do not require or need another in order to function themselves, allowing them to participate in a range of intense relationships without any handicap stemming from the need for another. They maintain a deep respect for others without a need to modify the other. In short, they are resourceful people who engage difficult challenges with a view to solving problems and achieving goals.

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This is what it means to be a self while remaining emotionally connected. Non anxious leaders know they need others and are willing to have meaningful relationships without needing to define others or define themselves in relationship to others. When you are able to function in this way, you will be more resourceful in addressing life's inevitable challenges and this is Papro's first criterion for measuring a family's functioning or what I would call its level of maturity.

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To help us understand this concept of resourcefulness, Papro offers a continuum where on the extreme left is functionally helpless and on the extreme right is resourceful. Being functionally helpless represents the absence of resourcefulness. According to Papero, Bowen included the following as elements of resourcefulness engaging a challenge rather than retreating from it initiating problem defining and problem solving activities the active presence of family leaders the availability and effective use of resources to address the challenge. Note how this is all about taking responsibility for self and in particular the presence of leaders who were able to do this. Rather than blaming outside influences or ignoring the challenge altogether, non anxious leaders lean into challenge.

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They understand that a primary factor in how well a system will respond to challenge is the system's response itself. When you lead in this way, you empower others to do the same. The decline in mainline Protestant churches is well documented. Rather than focusing on who to blame, non anxious leaders emphasize resourcefulness by focusing on the present and how the congregation can respond in the best way possible. Papero also offers several sub continuums to help further explore the idea of resourcefulness.

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I'll share each going from least resourceful to most resourceful the avoidance of challenge versus engagement with challenge Passive endurance versus problem solving activity no family leadership versus active family leadership A focus on the problem belonging to only a few versus an awareness that the family as a whole has responsibility A mindset that outsiders should address the situation versus the active efforts of family members to work toward resolution. Note how these sub continuums embrace the concept of taking responsibility for self both as a leader and as a family. Each offers a way that one can assess the family or congregation. If several of these elements are low or missing, it is likely that the system leans toward being functionally helpless. When most or all of these elements are present, the system is likely to be resourceful.

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Paper recalls his second continuum for family assessment, Connectedness and integration. On the extreme left there is cutoff and on the extreme right there is broad connection and open relationships. I'll note that the right side is not solely connectedness. I believe the reason for this is that connectedness is a double edged sword. Emotional connection is important.

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However, when it is too intense, anxiety in the system increases. There needs to be enough emotional space between members in the system so they can function as individuals while remaining connected in healthy ways. Therefore, Pappereau describes the combined positive attributes of connectedness and integration as broad connection and open relationships. I interpret this to mean that a healthy family, congregation or organization has healthy emotional connection among a large number of its members. The opposite of this would be that just a few members are connected and there are many who are emotionally disconnected or cut off.

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Papro clarifies what this looks like with his subcontinuums. They are the absence of contact among family members versus the active efforts of family members to maintain broad contact with one another. Secrecy and limited knowledge about family situations versus open and broad knowledge about the activities and challenges of the family. No tolerance for difference among family members versus a broad tolerance for difference. The idea here is that in healthy families people are able to be a self while remaining connected to others.

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I think of families that regularly celebrate reunions that share openly about how things are going and and are comfortable with people being different. In short, there is a higher overall level of self differentiation among family members which results in broad connection and open relationships. On the other hand, when there is a pattern of cutoff, the overall level of anxiety in the system makes it harder to seek and maintain healthy emotional connections. This precipitates secrecy which encourages greater cutoff. Families can reverse this pattern, but it will take a highly differentiated person to take leadership as well as maintain a non anxious presence through the inevitable sabotage.

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I have found that most congregations and organizations do well on this criterion. Congregations in particular have a bias towards broad connection. However, there are situations where cut off and secrecy become the order of the day and in these cases it's almost always toxic. A non anxious leader understands this and emphasizes openness, transparency and inclusion. These will help avoid a toxic culture and will promote maturity.

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In those situations where one is called to lead a toxic culture, it will take time to break the patterns of cutoff and secrecy. It will be extremely difficult, but it is possible. I want to finish today's episode by saying that Papro notes in his paper that there is not a measurement tool for family functioning. We don't have data or ways to actually measure this quantitatively, but this is a schema. This is a way that we can look at relationship systems and better understand their level of maturity.

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I will put a link in the show notes if you want to dig more deeply into Papro's paper. That's it for episode 307. Don't forget that you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com you can find more resources at thenonxiousleader.com and if you found this episode helpful, please share it with somebody who might benefit and leave a review on your podcast platform of choice. I'm grateful for your help. Until next time, go be yourself.