[00:00:00.000]
Welcome to Episode 302 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. If you are new to this podcast, I want to let you know that you can connect with me by emailing me at jack@christian-leaders.com. I love to hear your ideas for future episodes and your questions. And if you want more resources, you can go to thenonanxiousleader.com. You can subscribe to my Two for two Tuesday email newsletter. I'll also put a link to subscribe in the show notes. So without further ado, here is episode 302, Nobody likes to be told what to do. When I went through coach training, the emphasis was on asking good questions to help the coachee arrive at their own conclusions and solutions. This is very much like my pastoral care training, where I learned to ask open-ended questions and focus on presence and connection. Both coaching and pastoral care have a core unwritten principle.

[00:01:40.080]
Nobody likes to be told what to do. I have issues. We all have issues. We want autonomy and pushback when someone else suggests what we need to do. If you've attended one of my workshop presentations, you've probably heard this story, but it's worth sharing. We have a two car detached garage. Garage, except we don't keep cars in there. We keep stuff. It's the place where whenever I can't find room in the house for something, I take it out to the garage. Over time, stuff just keeps piling up and it gets unorganized and it looks awful. But every once in a while, I will decide that I am going to clean it up. I'm going to throw stuff out. I'm going to organize so that we have more space and everything looks great. One Saturday morning, about 15 years ago, I was doing dishes and I didn't have anything everything on my calendar. And I was thinking, What shall I do today? And then I thought, I'm going to clean out the garage. Today is going to be the day when I'm going to put everything in order. I was still thinking about this when my wife walked by and she said in not in a snarky way at all, but she said, You know you need to clean out the garage.

[00:02:49.420]
Very matter of fact. Well, that was it. My motivation disappeared. I thought to myself, Well, if I clean out the garage now, she's going to think that I did it because she told me to. And so I didn't do it. I told you I have issues. But that really made me realize that nobody likes to be told what to do. This is why coaching is so focused on asking questions. People are much more likely to commit to improvement if it's their own idea. That said, self-differentiation looks like maturity. When we learn to better accept ourselves and others through self-differentiation, we aren't as put off by the constructive criticism or helpful suggestions of others. Why? Because growing in self-differentiation means learning to accept yourself as you are, flaws and all. It not only means learning to function in more healthy ways in your family of origin, it also means recognizing that each of us always has room for improvement. Knowing this makes it easier to accept ourselves and others for who they are. I found it helps me to have self-compassion and compassion for others. This type of mindset enables us to hear what others are saying without taking it personally.

[00:04:08.730]
That's a huge benefit of doing your own family of origin work. This also leads to developing a growth mindset. A growth mindset is the belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed over time through dedication and hard work. The concept was popularized by Stanford psychologist, Carol Dweck. People with a growth mindset mindset view challenges as opportunities to learn and grow rather than as obstacles. They believe that their talents and capacities can be improved with effort and persistence. Sounds like self-differentiation to me. In contrast, a fixed mindset is the belief that abilities and intelligence are static and cannot be changed. People with a fixed mindset may avoid challenges and give up easily because they believe their abilities are limited. When you grow as a non-anxious leader, also grow in your willingness to hear what others have to say without getting defensive or aggressive. You're neither reactive nor adaptive. Sometimes you agree and learn from it. Other times you don't agree but hold that it's possible that you are missing something. In either case, you don't get into a conflict of wills, but consider everything an opportunity to grow as a person and a leader. One thing I have learned is that even when someone is spilling their anxiety all over me, they may still be telling me something I need to hear.

[00:05:33.830]
The idea of not getting into the content in these situations still holds. Don't argue and don't agree. Avoid a conflict of wills. Still, don't just dismiss what they are saying as it may help you learn something that can help you grow. That's a growth mindset. If nobody likes to be told what to do, the question is, what do you do when you feel like you need to do that? I read a few years ago that everyone is a volunteer. The point here is that even when someone is paid to do a job, you can order them to do something, but that doesn't mean you'll get their best effort. Nobody likes to be told what to do. Non-anxious leaders understand this and do things differently. First, they focus on emotional connection. Open-ended questions do this because they communicate curiosity and humility. Showing you genuinely care about another is one of the most important things you can do as a leader. Sometimes this means connecting personally first before getting into the business at hand. How's your family? Tell me about your weekend. Tell me more about your hobby. These are open-ended questions that foster emotional connection. Also, when it's time to get to the business at hand, you can continue asking questions about that as well.

[00:07:02.490]
What do you think about this? How would you approach it? What are we missing here? The list is endless. Finally, you can ask the question, What do you think you should do about this? Which fosters a sense of autonomy. Perhaps you'll really like their answer, or at least it will make you rethink your position. If not, you can move to the next step. After you connect, the next thing you can do is make a suggestion. I often joke that I'm a bad coach as I often make suggestions to my clients. However, I think the reason they hire me is to help them with a family systems perspective, so I feel it's okay, and I usually will say, may I make a suggestion. The difference between a suggestion and a command is the freedom of choice. When you ask, may I make a suggestion? The first thing this does is gives the other the choice to even hear what you have to say. Then after making the suggestion, you can say, That's just a thought. You need to do what you think is best. This is likely to create the healthy emotional space that will at least keep the other open to what you are saying.

[00:08:15.680]
An important point is that you really need to give the other the choice to follow your suggestion. If you get anxious, critical, or controlling, if they don't, it destroys any sense of autonomy that the other may have felt. Over time, when you lead by creating healthy emotional space, people will be more likely to follow because you've given them the freedom to choose. Finally, when the situation requires a certain action, it's important to self-define. For example, let's say it's Friday and something needs to be done before Monday. The first thing is to ensure that it really needs to be done before Monday. When leaders make demands of people that stress them, it's important that it's really necessary. A Assuming it is, self-definition means saying, I believe this needs to be done because, and then fill in the blank. When you say that, make the connection between the mission of your team, organization, or family, and the task at hand. Making that connection makes it clear to the other that this is important to you for the sake of a larger purpose. Even when something must be done, I always try to ask with empathy. I realize this might be a challenge, but can you have this done by Monday?

[00:09:33.590]
Is much more likely to get the best effort of others than, Have this to me no later than Monday. Finally, if there is resistance and it's something that must absolutely get done, Then emotional connection and space are still essential. I'm really sorry, but this has to be done. How can I support you? Or how can I make it up to you? These things show that you are trying to understand the burden you are putting on the other. My experience is that when you continually focus on emotional connection and emotional space, giving people as much autonomy as possible, their commitment to the mission increases and you rarely have to demand. Your experience might vary, but my experience is that if you minimize the times that you truly have to demand something of others, and you do it with empathy, it gives you the best chance to lead effectively. After all, nobody likes to be told to do. That's it for episode 302. Don't forget, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com and at thenonanxiousleader.com. And if you found this episode helpful, please share it with somebody who might also benefit. And if you haven't already done so, please leave a review on your podcast platform of choice.

[00:10:54.300]
I very much appreciate it. Until next time. Thanks and goodbye.