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Welcome to Episode 299 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama, and this week we are going to get to the conclusion of Everyone Loves a non-anxious presence. But before I do that, if you are new to this podcast, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com.

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I love to hear your comments, your questions, and ideas for future episodes. You can get more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com, where you can also subscribe to my Two for Tuesday email newsletter. I'll also put a link to that subscription form in the show notes. Now, without further ado, here is episode 299, Everyone Loves a Non-Anxious Presence: Chapters 10 through 14. Chapter 10. You Can't Make Another Person Responsible. Trying to make another person responsible will usually have the opposite effect. This is especially true if you try so hard that you take over for the other. I once heard a mother brag/complain that she was writing her son's papers for him. He was a sophomore in college. This is not the best way to cultivate responsibility. The best way to help another become responsible is to let them experience the consequence of their actions. One time, I was grocery shopping, and our two-year-old son stood up in the seat of the grocery cart. A woman exclaimed, he's going to fall out and hurt himself. I responded, only once or twice. Pain and responsibility are connected. When we try to take away the pain of another, we make them less capable of growth. When we help people avoid the consequences of their actions, we make them less responsible. That doesn't mean we don't care about others or even try to to protect them. It does mean that we can't do everything for them. The only person you can truly be responsible for is yourself. Encouraging others to do the same, even if it means they experience failure, is a gift.

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Taking responsibility for self means owning the consequences for our actions without blaming others. It's going through life without demanding that others fix things for us. It means managing our own anxiety and not putting it on others. Knowing that change is a part of life will help you do this better. Reflection questions. How often do you try to take responsibility for others? What pain are you trying to avoid? How might you do things differently? Chapter 11. All change is loss. Any change in your life is a loss of the old. Bad things like death, job loss, and breakups create loss. Even positive changes like a new job, home, or partner is also a loss. The old situation is gone and you need to adjust to the new one. With change comes loss, and loss comes with grief. It may not be the debilitating grief that comes from the death of a loved one, but it's still grief. Knowing this is half the battle. When you understand that any change will create instability in your life and in your family, you have a better chance to remain a non-anxious presence. And everyone loves a non-anxious presence. This is where it all comes together.

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With change comes loss, and that can be painful. Take responsibility for yourself. Own your pain. Work through it. You will be stronger. Realize that others might be in pain. Stay connected to them emotionally, but let them work through their own pain. Maintain the sweet spot of emotional space. Understand that with pain may come the tendency to react or adapt to the pain and anxiety of others. Resist that instinct. Regulate your emotions so that you can remain a non-anxious presence. If you can do these things in the midst of whatever change you are going through, you will grow stronger and healthier. Will the people you care about Just understand, it may not be easy. Reflection questions. How do you deal with change and loss? How can you use it to grow stronger? What can you do to stay connected to others without trying to take away their pain? Chapter 12. Don't be surprised if people are unhappy with your new self. You might think that those closest to you would be happy that you are trying to get better. Whether you're getting less reactive, expressing what you believe in a non-anxious way, or even improving some of your personal habits surrounding eating and exercise, you'd expect your family to cheer you on.

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They say they do, but inside, something else is going on. All change is loss. When you experience personal growth, you are changing. You like the new They like the new you, or so they say. But what they and you don't realize is that they are more comfortable with the old you. Because others are uncomfortable with the new you, they often respond with behaviors that try to throw you off track. Sometimes these are subtle, other times they are not. The subtle behaviors tend to occur when you are focused on getting better. Let's say that you are counting calories and you are doing a great job of eating better and losing weight. Then your father starts complaining to you about your brother and asks you to do something about it. Triangle alert. This doesn't seem related, but it is. The stress you experience from getting triangled can easily throw you off your new calorie counting habit. The amazing thing is that your dad doesn't even realize he's doing this. We humans have an amazing ability to mess with others without even knowing it. The in your face behaviors tend to occur when are focused on self-differentiation. For example, after years of just going along with the family line on gun control, you decide you can't do it anymore.

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Before you know it, you're being called a traitor, a loser, and a disgrace to the family. At least you're a triple threat. Instead of defining themselves, they're all about defining you and how bad you are. What can you do? Remain a non-anxious presence. Understand that the pushback you are getting is not about you, but is actually about something going on in them. Remember that there are two components to being a non-anxious presence. The non-anxious part is not what you're feeling inside, but how you present yourself. You will feel anxious, But if you can regulate that anxiety, you have a chance. You don't react defensively or argumentatively, nor do you adapt by giving in to the pressure you're receiving to go back to your old self. The presence part means stay emotionally connected. The great temptation when people unwittingly or purposely try to throw you off track is to withdraw from them. Why would you want to be around them? But in any relationship system, like a family or work group, That is the last thing you want to do. Disconnecting from them will only make them more anxious and harder to handle. Instead of moving further away, move closer.

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Don't argue, don't agree. Stay connected. This is simple to understand, but can be hard to do. Understanding the different kinds of conflicts you may encounter can help. Reflection questions. How do you respond when people try to throw you off track? What would help you regulate your anxiety and stay the course? What would help you to stay emotionally connected? Chapter 13, Not all conflict is equal. There are three different kinds of conflict: tasks, values, and relationship. Task conflict is when people disagree about how to get something done, who's responsible, or even how to define the goal or task. Values conflict is a clash of identity or beliefs. Religious and social values fall into this category. When there is a values conflict, progress doesn't occur unless someone changes their mind so that some common ground or compromise can be reached. This is rare. I've learned over the years that people rarely negotiate their closely held values. Relationship conflict occurs when there is tension or animosity that goes deeper than just disagreements about tasks or values. In this case, there is a lack of self-differentiation in one or both parties. Relationship Relationship conflict is characterized by the lack of taking responsibility for self.

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This includes blaming the other for one's condition, defensiveness, resentment, and other forms of reactive or adaptive behavior. When there is no relationship conflict, the other two types of conflict can be handled. In other words, because both parties are self-differentiated, they can say what they believe while giving others the freedom to disagree. Everyone loves a non-anxious presence. The problem with relationship conflict is that it makes task and values conflict harder to handle. When there is relationship conflict, people confuse the different kinds of conflict. Task and values disagreements are taken personally and can result in deepening conflict and even emotional withdrawal or cut off. The latter is just as it sounds. The relationship is so damaged that one or both decide they no longer want any emotional connection. They are cut off from one another. What's important about distinguishing between the different types of conflict is being able to understand how to best manage yourself in the situation. Ask yourself, Am I taking responsibility for myself or am I taking it out on the other person? If you are taking responsibility for self, then the likelihood is that there is anxiety or pain that the other party is taking out on you.

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Either way, the The key here is to understand the emotional process involved and to avoid getting into a conflict of wills. Don't argue and don't agree. The best thing you can do to reduce relationship conflict as well as task and values conflict is to maintain an open mind. This is the essence of self-differentiation and being a non-anxious presence. To learn how to do this, let's put it all together. Reflection questions. Where do you see relationship conflicts in your family of origin or workplace? How do you see relationship conflicts confused with task and values conflicts? When you're involved, how might you respond respond differently. Chapter 14. We're talking about practice. How can you put all this family system stuff together? Practice. You will feel anxious inside, but you can learn to regulate your own anxiety. More importantly, you can use reflection and preparation to help you put family systems principles into practice. Since most of us are only able to self-differentiate a third of the time or less, you're going to mess up more often than you'll get it right. That's where a reflection comes in. When those anxious moments occur and you react without thinking, either getting snarky or giving in, It's not the end of things.

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Take some time after the fact to reflect on the situation. Ask yourself, what happened? What was the emotional process, not the content, at work? How did I respond respond. How would I like to respond in the future? There is no guarantee that doing this means you'll do better next time, but it will increase the odds greatly. Over time, you will find that you will become more self-aware and intentional in anxious moments. Preparation involves anticipating anxious situations and preparing yourself to respond as a non-anxious presence. Many, if not most of these situations occur regularly and can not only be anticipated, but you can also predict how they're going to go. Other situations involve difficult conversations that you know you need to have. You know what the content of the conversation will be and can likely predict the emotional process process at work. In these cases, ask yourself, what is likely to happen? How will the other person respond or react? What can I do to self-regulate? What will be my non-anxious response. If you can, roleplay this interaction with someone who has no stake in the situation. If you can't do that, then rehearse the conversation in your head or even out loud.

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Ignore the stares of those who think you're talking to yourself. Any preparation increases the chances that you can remain a non-anxious presence. For example, when you know you must tell your family that you won't be home for Christmas, work through what you want to say, such as, I care about you all, but I've decided that I want to spend Christmas with my partner's family. Then practice saying it slowly and calmly. You can also think about how you will respond to any pushback you might receive. If you expect that you might get statements like, I thought you cared more about your family. You can prepare to respond with, Wow, I was afraid I would miss you more than you all would miss me. What a relief. Show you care and avoid a conflict of wills. As you get better at reflection and preparation, when you encounter anxious situations, you will be better able to self-regulate to avoid automatic, reactive, or adaptive responses. Avoid a conflict of wills. Remain emotionally connected. Take responsibility for yourself, but not the other. Respond as a non-anxious presence in a way that represents who you are and what you believe. You won't always get it right, but the times you do will move your life in a healthy direction.

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That will make the practice worth doing. Reflection questions. What anxious situations in your family of origin or workplace are you able to anticipate? What would it mean for you to self-differentiate? How will you make time to prepare and reflect?

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That's it for episode 299. I will be back next week with episode 300. And until then, if you have found this podcast helpful, please share it with a friend, somebody who might benefit, and please leave a review on the podcast platform of your choice. I would really appreciate it. Until next time. Thanks and goodbye.