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Welcome to Episode 298 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. We are going to continue with the audiobook version of Everyone Loves a Non-Anxious Presence. But before I get to that, I want to remind you that you can email me at jack@christian-leaders.com with your questions, comments, and ideas for future episodes. You can get more resources at thenon-anxiousleader.com, as well as subscribe to my Two for Tuesday email newsletter. You can do that on the website or at a link that I'll put in the show notes. Now, without further ado, here is episode 298, Everyone Loves a Non-Anxious Presence: Chapters 5 through 9.

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Chapter 5. Your first instinct is usually wrong. Human beings are wired to act quickly. It helped our ancestors survived the sabre-tooth tiger and each other. Unfortunately, these instincts are not as helpful today as they once were. When you are faced with a perceived threat, it is usually not life-threatening. It's more often criticism, blame, anger, or defensiveness from another that is perceived as a threat. As a result, your mind and body go into fight or flight mode. The most important thing you can do is learn that your first instinct is usually wrong. Not always, but mostly. When you react without thinking, you are replaying scripts that you learn from your family of origin while growing up. For example, if your boss talks to you in the same tone that you're dominating parent used when you were growing up, you are likely to want to respond automatically in the same way you did with your parent. There are two ways this can happen, neither of which is helpful. The first is reactivity. This is fight mode. When you are reactive, you feel the need to defend yourself or, worse yet, attack the other. Your anxiety becomes a weapon, and it's not pretty.

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You start arguing with your boss because that's your automatic response when you hear that tone of voice. That's what you did with your parent, and old habits are hard to break. The second response is adaptivity. This is flight mode. Instead of fighting, you give in without expressing how you really feel. In this case, you bury your anxiety. The cumulative effect of this is that occasionally you can't help but explode to let it all out. This is not good either. In our example, when your boss communicates in that tone of voice, you fold like a cheap lawn chair. You give in without expressing yourself in a healthy way. It feels bad, but it's your go-to response. Hopefully, you don't blow up at your boss occasionally, or they might not be your boss for very long. A non-anxious presence is neither reactive nor adaptive. You still feel anxious inside, but you are able to regulate your anxiety. You know your first instinct is usually wrong and have learned how to pause and consider your response. Instead of responding automatically, you are thoughtful and measured. This is self-regulation. The best thing you can do when facing the anxiety of others and your own is to slow things down.

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Take a deep breath, close your eyes, say you need Wait a minute. This will enable you to avoid your automatic response, or at least to consider whether it is healthy. Then respond in a way that creates healthy emotional space. Reflection questions. How can you distinguish between a perceived threat and an actual threat? Is your automatic response more likely to be adaptive or reactive? Where and with whom does this happen most frequently. Chapter 6. Emotional space is like porcupine sleeping in winter. Emotional space is a tricky thing. People need space to be themselves. But without healthy emotional connections, we can't experience life fully. Keeping the balance between enough space and healthy connection is the difference between independence and interdependence. In his book, Morality, Jonathan Sacks shares an analogy. Emotional space is like porcupines sleeping in winter. They need each other to keep warm, but if they get too close, they will poke each other with their spines. This hurts. It's not too good for sleeping either. If they get too far apart, they will freeze. Emotional space is like this. You need people, your family, friends, coworkers. But if you get too close, it can hurt.

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Telling others how they should live their lives or blaming others for your own problems destroys emotional space. This increases anxiety and creates situations where someone is likely to get hurt. Withdrawing emotionally, disconnecting creates too much emotional space. We usually do this when we can't handle being connected to others because of the anxiety it creates in us or in them. This is not very mature and not very helpful. Self-differentiation creates healthy emotional space. When you self-differentiate, you take responsibility for yourself and express yourself in healthy ways without defining or blaming others. People will want to connect because they know you aren't trying to live their lives for them. Everyone loves a non-anxious presence. The problem is that self-differentiating is hard, especially because of emotional triangles. We'll cover that next. Reflection questions. Are you more likely to destroy emotional space or to create too much emotional distance? What would it look like for you to self-differentiate? How can you regulate your automatic reactions? Chapter 7. Triangles are fantastic in the most awful way. Self differentiating is hard because taking responsibility for our ourselves and giving other people the same freedom is not natural. Sometimes we want to tell others what to do, and we know how that goes.

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Other times, we don't want to be responsible for ourselves. We want to depend on other people to make decisions or do things for us. This is not good either. More on that in the next chapter. According to Murray Bowen, the founder of Family Systems Theory, the best we can hope for is to self-differentiate 50% of the time, and most people do this less than a third of the time. That means that at best, half of our lives is spent either in other people's business or trying to make our business theirs. Thus, we have triangles. A triangle occurs when the anxiety in a relationship between two people makes one or both uncomfortable. Instead of dealing with each other in a healthy way, that is, to express themselves without being adaptive or reactive, they triangle in a third person or issue. Remember that boss with the dominating tone of voice? If you give in all the time, adaptivity, you're eventually going to explode. But you want to keep your job so you're smart enough to regulate that impulse. One for two is better than nothing. When you are mad at your boss and can't express it to them in a healthy way, do you pick a fight with your friend or partner, or do you complain to a coworker?

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If so, then you just triangled them. Instead of dealing with your anxiety where it belongs, with your boss, you triangle someone else. If you don't get along with a coworker and you go to your boss and tell them they need to fix it, then you just triangled your boss. If you and your partner are having problems and you start drinking heavily, that forms a triangle too. The drinking becomes the focus for both of you, which avoids having to deal with your real issues. You focus on drinking to escape. Your partner will likely get anxious and complain about your drinking. Voila. You have a triangle that allows both of you to focus on the drinking so you don't have to deal with each other or yourselves. Bowen called the triangle the most stable form of relationship because we are unable to take responsibility for ourselves in healthy ways, that is, to self-differentiate. So we triangle other people and issues. Triangles are fantastic in the most awful way. They are fantastic because they enable us to avoid responsibility for ourselves and our relationships. They are awful because they enable us to avoid responsibility for ourselves and our relationships.

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It's important to distinguish between venting and a triangle. If a friend comes to you and complains about another friend, that's venting. If they ask you to go talk to the other person and fix it, then you are being triangled. Don't take the bait. If you get involved in trying to fix the relationship between the other two, you can get stuck for a long time. Plus, you'll be the one who gets stressed out. It's a bad deal. This leads to another trap you want to avoid. Reflection questions. In what relationships are you most likely to create a triangle to avoid your discomfort? What triangles do you recognize in your family of origin? Which triangles are only people, and which ones include issues? Chapter 8. Dependent People Suck The Life Out Of You. A dependent person is someone who doesn't want to take responsibility for themselves. They are unable to define themselves apart from others. They are unable to meet their own emotional needs without the help of another, usually a parent, friend, or partner. Dependent people say things like, if you don't, fill in the blank, you don't love me. Conveniently, they let others take responsibility so they can have someone to blame if things go wrong.

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This is the opposite of a self-differentiated person, which is someone who knows who they are, knows their needs, and knows how to meet them. In other words, they take responsibility for self. They are not emotionally dependent, nor are they independent. They are interdependent. They can connect with others without demanding that others take care of them. They don't take responsibility for the emotions of others, only their own. Working towards self-differentiation is hard, but it's worth doing. It doesn't happen right away. It takes time, but it helps to realize that dependent people suck the life out of you. When you recognize the dependency, you can learn how to deal with them in a healthy way. Reflection questions. How do you act independently? How do you manage the dependent people in your life? What might you do differently? Chapter 9, Your pain is not other people's problem, and vice versa. A big mistake we make is to think we can relieve other people of their emotional pain. This does them no favors. In life, pain is an opportunity for growth. The best thing you can do for a friend is to stay connected to them and walk alongside them while they deal with their own pain.

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They will be stronger for it. No pain, no gain. Dependent people want you to take their pain away. They will get mad at you if you don't. You can actually help them by remaining a non-anxious presence. Show you care, but let them deal with their own pain because you can't do it for them. If you do, they will become weaker. Letting them deal with their own pain is a gift. The best thing you can do for yourself is to understand understand that when you encounter pain, it is best to lean into it. Embrace it. Think of pain as a friend that will make you stronger. You don't have to go it alone. Connect with others. Let them care for you. But remember, they can't take your way your pain for you. Ironically, the better you get at leaning into your own pain, the more you will be able to allow others to deal with theirs. This will help you to understand that pain and responsibility go hand in hand. Reflection questions. How do you deal with pain? How well can you tolerate the pain of others? What connection do you see between the two?

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That's it for episode 298. Don't forget, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com. You can get more resources at the non-anxiousleader.com. If you have found this episode helpful, please share with somebody who will benefit. And finally, please leave a review on the platform of your choice. I would very much appreciate it. Until next time. Thanks and goodbye.