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Welcome to Episode 297 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm going to be away for a few weeks, so I decided to record my latest book, which is a mini book, Everyone Loves a Non-Anxious Presence in audio form. So you will be getting the audiobook over the next several weeks. And before I start, if you are new to this podcast, you can connect with me by emailing me at jack@christian-leaders.com with questions, comments, and ideas for future episodes, and you can find more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. And now, without further ado, here is Anyone Loves a Non-Anxious Presence: Chapters 1 through 4.

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Introduction. My mother just turned 100. She's an amazing, determined, strong long-willed woman. She had supported and encouraged me throughout my life. Even so, or because of this, I had a hard time standing up to her when I was growing up. It wasn't her, it was me. But as I learned about self differentiation and began working on myself, I got better at it. In 2015, our oldest daughter's wedding was held on the Outer Banks of North Carolina. It's a place where our family has vacationed nearly every year since 1990. We rented a big house and made it a week-long celebration. The wedding itself took place at the end of March. That's an iffy time weatherwise. It can be sunny and warm or windy and cold. On the wedding day, it was not only windy and cold, it was also raining lightly. The ceremony was to take place on a large deck which faced the ocean. As the appointed time approached, my mom, who was a spry 91-year-old, kept telling me that we had to to move the ceremony inside. I felt pressure to comply, but I also knew about emotional triangles and realized that she was asking me to interfere with my daughter's wishes.

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When the moment of truth arrived, I asked my daughter, What do you want to do? Her reply was, I'm getting married on the deck. I paused, then I replied, Then that's what we'll do. It was settled and everybody went along, even my mom. I recall this moment moment because for me, it was one of those times where remaining a non-anxious presence was not only helpful, it was life-giving. I still have many moments when I don't do as well under pressure, but I believe that understanding the concepts that I share in this book has helped me to do better, especially when it really matters. I hope they will help you, too. If they do, then you can learn more by listening to my podcast, The Non-Anxious Leader, as well as going to my website, thenonanxiousleader.com. Chapter 1, The Anxiety Virus. Anxiety is like a virus. It's invisible. It affects you without your consent. Sometimes you know where it came from, other times you have no idea. It can literally go viral. Anxiety spreads through relationship systems like a silent killer. This sounds scary, but anxiety is scary. Seth Godin describes non-clinical anxiety as experiencing failure in advance.

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When you are anxious, you are worrying about a future that has not yet occurred. That's bad enough. Worse yet, anxiety can run amok and make life miserable for you and for those around you. Two things can happen, neither of which is good. First, anxiety and worry can rattle around in your head making it hard to function like a normal human being. Not good. Second, you can be the source of the anxiety virus. You can take it out on other people through anger, blaming, and all-around nasty behavior. The good news is you probably don't do this to acquaintances and coworkers, though If you're really anxious, you might. It's more likely that you will take it out on those you care about most. This is especially true with family because that's where you often learn this behavior to begin with. So what's the to the anxiety virus? Let's look at that next. Reflection questions. What makes you anxious? When and how do you spread it? How do you respond when others are anxious And how do they respond to you when you are anxious? Chapter 2. Everyone Loves a Non-Anxious Presence. A non-anxious presence is the best defense against anxiety.

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A non-anxious presence is someone who connects emotionally with others in a healthy way. They show they care, but not so much that they let their own anxiety get in the way. They may often feel anxious, especially with other people who are anxious, but they are able to regulate their anxiety, so they present themselves as non-anxious. People usually find this calming and helpful, and they also want to be around people like that. Everyone loves a non-anxious presence. For example, when the mother of the groom is late for the wedding, a non-anxious presence stands close to the father of the bride and keeps him calm. He may be beside himself and want to jump out of his skin, but the non-anxious presence reminds him that there's nothing he can do about that. And even if the ceremony starts late, everything will be fine. Everyone else is on edge waiting to see what the Father will do. Since he remains calm, so does everyone else. If you want to be a non-anxious presence, then you need to learn about self-differentiation. This is the ability to be yourself in the midst of surrounding togetherness pressure. What is this? It's the pressure in any relationship system to conform to the norms of that system.

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Here are some examples. Everybody in our family goes to college. We don't do family reunions. What do you mean you won't be home for the holidays? Surrounding togetherness pressure makes it hard to self-differentiate because if you don't want to go along, you end up causing trouble. A non-anxious presence is someone who can do their own thing even if it doesn't conform while staying connected in a healthy way to those who are unhappy with their choices. This is not easy stuff, but it's the best way to live. It's good for you and it's good for those you care about. It helps to recognize the difference between the emotional process and the content of a situation. That's up next. Reflection questions. Where do you experience surrounding togetherness pressure? How do you respond? What would it look like to self-differentiate as a non-anxious presence? Chapter 3. It's Process, not Content. If you want to be a non-anxious presence, you need to be able to distinguish between the emotional process and the content of any given situation. Separating emotional process from content is simple, but it's not easy. It's simple because in any interaction, you can ask yourself, is something going on in the other person that has little to do with me or the situation at hand?

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If so, that's emotional process or process for short. The content is whatever you're discussing. Let's say two adult siblings are arguing over which presidential candidate is best for the country. This never happens, right? The content is presidential politics. The emotional process is each sibling's need to be right. Making the distinction between process and content is not easy because most of us are more likely to speak without thinking. We automatically react to whatever is happening. This is usually reactivity or adaptivity. We'll cover those in chapter 5. You don't have to understand the emotional process that the other person is experiencing. You just need to recognize that it's happening. Then you'll know you should avoid the content of a situation. The thinking mind is unable to process content while the emotions are in charge. The first clue this is happening is the level of anxiety. If there's a lot of tension and if anxiety is being unleashed, then it's possible there is an emotional process issue in Let's say you call your mom to tell her that you've decided to go be with your partner's family for the holidays. Your mom starts crying and tells you that you never loved her.

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Her emotionality is a sign that there's something more going on than the content of the situation. However, this is not always the case. Tension and anxiety can occur when people are self-differentiating. But tension combined with externalized anxiety is often a sign that the content of the situation should be avoided. Another clue is whether people are defining themselves or defining others. When they are defining self, especially in a non-anxious way, this is self-differentiation. Going back to our example, your mom was defining you. She says you never loved her. If she were defining herself, she would say, I'm disappointed you're not going to be there. She doesn't even have to say it's okay. It can be a situation where there's tension and anxiety, but you're both self-differentiating. You've defined yourself by saying you're going to your partner's family for the holidays. She's defined herself by saying she's disappointed. It's a tough situation, but you are both self-defining and staying emotionally connected. It's hard, but this is what grownups do. Another sign that someone is not defining self is that they are blaming you or telling you what to do. When someone says you always, then it's a good sign they are defining you and not themselves.

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The important thing about distinguishing process from content is to realize that emotionality needs emotionality to persist. If you get defensive or argumentative, this will maintain or escalate the level of anxiety and enable it to continue. Likewise, if you adapt and give in without self-differentiating, it will reduce the anxiety in the moment, but will also allow the other to avoid taking responsibility, and so the pattern will repeat. In other words, they unload, you give in, and everyone's happy. Well, you're not. Learning to identify emotional process is like learning a new skill. At first, things will be hard to identify, but over time, you will get better at noticing anxiety, blame, pain displacement, and the lack of taking responsibility for one's own functioning. Engaging with others when they are self-differentiating, even if they don't agree, will encourage healthy conversation and grow your relationship. Avoiding content when people are not differentiating will give them back the responsibility for their own condition. Either way works and will help you avoid a conflict of wills. Let's look into that next. Reflection questions. How can you tell the difference between people defining self and defining others? When does the latter happen in your family of origin?

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That is, the extended family relationship system in which you were raised. What can you do to avoid the content of the situation when the other person is stuck in emotional process? Chapter 4. Don't get trapped by your need to be right. Nobody wants to be told what to do. I'm a good example. When my wife tells me I have to do something, I'm almost certain to not want to do it. I know that's immature. I know I am, so what are you? A self-differentiated person can say what they believe while giving others the freedom to disagree. Instead of telling people what to do, they state their own position without making demands on others. They make statements like, I may be wrong, but Here's what I think. You don't have to agree with me. This is what I believe. Of course, it's just my opinion. You can be a non-anxious presence by avoiding a conflict of wills and avoiding the need to be right. When you feel you If you need to convince the other person that you're right and they're wrong, you're the one with the problem. A conflict of wills occurs when both sides have this problem.

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This usually results in high anxiety, which is poisonous, and the inability to keep your cool. You can often avoid this when you say what you believe while giving the other person the freedom to disagree, but not always. Sometimes they have a need to be right. When this is the case, the best thing you can do is not argue, not free and stay neutral. To do this, you need to know how to self-regulate. That's the next chapter. Reflection questions. When and where are you most likely to engage in a conflict of wills? How easy is it for you to state your own position without making demands on others? What would you like to do differently? How would you do this?

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That's it for Episode 297. Next week, I will bring you chapters 5 through 9 of Everyone Loves a Non-Anxious Presence. If you have found this podcast helpful, please share it with someone that you know that will benefit. Don't forget, you can find more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com and email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. Finally, if you would go to your podcast platform of choice and leave a review, it helps other people to find this podcast as well. I would very much appreciate it. Until next time. Thanks and goodbye.