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Welcome to episode 296 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Before we get into today's episode, I want to let you know that if you want to connect with me, you can email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. You can find more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com, and you can sign up for my Two for Tuesday email newsletter at thenonanxiousleader.com or at the link in the show notes. Finally, if you are not on my email newsletter list and you want to find out more about my Positive Intelligence Group Coaching program that starts the week of October seventh, email me at jack@christianleaders.com I will give you all the details. And now, without further ado, here is episode 296, Non-Anxious Leaders, Don't Expect Reciprocity. Reciprocity is a social norm that involves mutual exchange, often leading to positive outcomes in personal relationships and business dealings.

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It fosters trust and builds networks as individuals and groups are more likely to help those who have helped them. In the workplace, it can enhance teamwork and productivity when colleagues actively support each other. However, the expectation of reciprocity can sometimes lead to a transactional mindset where actions are performed only with the anticipation of a reward. This can undermine genuine relationships and create pressure to reciprocate beyond one's means or against one's wishes. Additionally, in situations where reciprocity is not balanced, feelings of resentment or exploitation may arise. This is where a family system's understanding of reciprocity can help so that you can build emotional connection without falling into its traps. Reciprocity occurs in its simplest form in everyday interactions, such as when someone smiles at you and you smile back. In personal relationships, it might be as simple as a friend helping you to move a new house and you returning the favor by babysitting their children. In a professional setting, a mentor might invest time in guiding a mentee who later supports the mentor in another project. In international relations, one country may reduce terrorist for another, expecting similar trade concessions in return. Even in In nature, there's this symbiotic relationship between bees and flowers.

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Bees collect nectar for food while helping flowers with pollination. All of these examples show that reciprocity is a part of life and in part is what holds relationships together, whether they are families, congregations, organizations, nations, or even creation. A non-anxious leader understands how this works and also understands how to avoid its downsides. There is no question that emotional reciprocity is a fundamental aspect of healthy relationships. It fosters a sense of connection and mutual respect between individuals. That said, emotional connection often fosters togetherness pressure, which in turn can result in reactivity or adaptivity through distancing, conflict, or fusion. There are many aspects to emotional reciprocity such as honest communication, mutual support and empathy, trust in emotional safety, interdependence, and a commitment to relationship growth. The challenge here is that we know that few people are able to self-differentiate even 50% of the time, and about a third of the time is the average. That means that if you expect reciprocity in relationships, you may end up disappointed and resentful. Worse yet, you might only deal with people in the same way they deal with you, and that is not helpful. The idea for this episode came from Shane Parrish's Brain Food email newsletter, a link to his website in the show notes, as well as from his book from which he shares the following quote, The Great Mental Models, Volume 2.

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Parrish writes, quote, become what you want to see in the world, and the world will return it to you. If you want an amazing relationship with your partner, be an amazing partner. If you want people to be thoughtful and kind to you, be thoughtful and kind to them. If you want people to listen to you, listen to them. The best way to achieve success is to deserve success. Small changes in your actions can change your entire world. One of the biggest misperceptions about reciprocity is that people should sit around waiting for others to go first rather than unlocking the power of reciprocity in their favor by going positive and going first without expectation. Reciprocity reminds us that our actions tend to come back on us. It's an important reminder that we are part of the world, and thus our actions do not happen in isolation, but are instead of an interconnected web of effects. I like this idea that when it comes to reciprocity, non-anxious leaders go first. That can have a positive impact on any relationship system. And this may be think of two important points. The first point when it comes to reciprocity is to remember to take a systems approach.

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When people don't act with reciprocity, or worse yet, they don't treat you fairly or kindly, it's important to remember the nature of relationship systems. People don't often take responsibility for self. Rather, they blame others or distance from them. This reminds me that the way I am treated has less to do with me and more to do with whatever is going on inside of the other. Knowing this enables me to have compassion for the other person, even if I don't know what they're going through. It also helps me to not take things personally. So when I do something for another and don't get a thank you or some other form of reciprocity, I realize this says more about them than about me. Which leads to the second point, and this is what Parrish says in his quote, Give yourself to others without expecting anything in return. Rather than expecting reciprocity, act in line with your goals and values in a way that builds others up simply for the sake of helping. Whether it's doing a favor, mentoring another, or being present for someone who needs you, do it because it's important to you. My own experience is that when I do this for its own sake, because it somehow aligns with who I am and what I want to be, then just giving of myself is its own reward.

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I'll do this because a particular relationship is important to me, because I get joy in helping another, or I believe in helping another, I might make their life a bit better, and by extension, perhaps the world will be a bit better off as well. I know this isn't always the case, so I focus on the effort, not the outcome. Of course, it's important to remember that you don't always have to offer help. That's why it's so important to know your goals and values. When When you are clear on those, you are able to decide when it's best to keep to yourself. I was recently in a situation where my initial impulse was to offer someone else help. I would have liked to do it as I admired and respected the other. But I also realized that I didn't really have the time to do it, and if I did, I might end up getting resentful, so I kept my mouth shut. Family system theory does hold that a non-anxious presence can change a relationship system for the better. But I don't believe it's through reciprocity. It's through creating healthy emotional space. It doesn't always happen, and sometimes when it does, it can take a long time.

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Which is why I love this quote from C. S. Lewis's Mere Christianity that Parish includes in the same newsletter. Good and evil both increase a compound interest. This is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest Good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which, a few months later, you may be able to go on to victories you'd never dreamed of. An apparently trivial indulgence in lust or anger today is the loss of a ridge or railway line or bridgehead from which the enemy may launch an attack otherwise impossible. Little things do matter, and giving yourself to others and to the relationship system for the sake of furthering your own goals and values and for the sake of improving the relationship systems in which you function is what non-anxious leaders do. When you do this for the sake of being a non-anxious presence, you can make a difference. That's it for episode 296. Don't forget, you can connect with me at thenonanxiousleader.com and email me at jack@christian-leaders. com. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with somebody who might benefit, and please leave a review on the podcast platform of your choice.

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I would really appreciate it. Until next time. Thanks and goodbye.