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Welcome to Episode 293 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. It has been a busy summer for me with two family weddings, a family reunion, and a family funeral. But I am back with an all new episode. And before I get into that, I want to do a little housekeeping. If you want to connect with me, you can email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. I'd love to your suggestions, your questions, and your ideas for future episodes. And if you want to subscribe to my Two for Tuesday email newsletter, you can do so at the link in the show notes or at thenon-anxiousleader.com, where you can find out about my books and courses and coaching that I offer. Now, without further ado, here is episode 293, 7 Characteristics of a Non-Anxious Leader. Leadership is like parenting. You need to be connected, but if you are too connected, you'll actually push others away.

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The idea for this episode came from a conversation I had with a colleague who has, like me, served over three decades in ministry. It got me thinking about what it really means to lead as a non-anxious presence. So let's dive in. The first characteristic of a non-anxious leader is the ability to self-define while giving space for others to do the same. As I like to say, non-anxious leaders say what they believe while giving others the freedom to disagree. There are two important parts here. The first is the ability to self-define. That means you need to know what you believe. You need to know your goals and values. In my coaching practice, I often encourage clients to think through what they really believe and what they really want out of a given situation. Unless you are clear on these things, it's easy to get reactive or adaptive in anxious situations. If you're not familiar, being reactive is when you get defensive or argumentative, and an adaptive response is when you give in without expressing yourself. Neither is healthy and either will maintain the status quo. The other important part here is creating healthy emotional space for others.

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In family systems terms, you are able to define yourself without defining others. It is possible to express yourself while giving others others the space to do the same. This leads to the second characteristic of a non-anxious leader, which is they encourage others to self-define. When you create healthy emotional space, you are saying to others, I value who you are as a person and respect your right to express yourself accordingly. This not only includes beliefs, goals, and values. This extends to cultural identity and personal expression so people can engage others in the way they to be seen. When you not only give people this space, but actually affirm who they are as a person, you are saying, I respect who you are, and I'm not trying to mold you in my image. I believe much of the conflict we see in the world today comes from people trying to mold others in their image rather than giving them the freedom to be themselves. The third characteristic of non-anxious leaders is they stay emotionally connected, especially to the most anxious and resistant. If you've followed my work, you know that I say the primary challenge in self-differentiation is finding the sweet spot between self-definition and emotional connection.

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It's easy to self-define if you're not connected. You can say what you believe and just avoid others or even push them away. This will not only increase anxiety in the relationship system, it will foster even more dysfunctional behavior. At the same time, it's hard to stay emotionally connected while avoiding a conflict of wills where you are trying to convince the other to agree with you. The sweet spot is when you are able to show that you care about the other as a person, respect what they think, even if it's different than what you think, and you are able to stay connected in other ways. My own experience is that I find this is easiest when I can acknowledge our differences and then shift the conversation to some other aspect of the other person's life. You can say something like, It's clear we disagree on this, and that's okay. I don't want it to come between us. By the way, how is fill in the blank going? That blank can be whatever area you know is important to them, their family, work, a hobby, etc. The content is not important. It's the emotional process of showing you care about some area of their life that matters to them.

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Notice how you are also self-defining by saying, I don't want it to come between us. You're not telling them what to do. You're simply expressing that you value your relationship to them more having them agree with you. This leads to the fourth characteristic, which is the ability to not take things personally. I was laughing with my colleague because we agreed that a pastoral leader needs to be able to show that they care about others while at the same time being able to not care what others think about them or how they respond to them. I would say this is true of any leader. A key element of self-differentiation is knowing that when people get anxious, defend offensive, argumentative, and even mean, it's more about them than it is about you. I have found that knowing this helps me to have compassion for the other, even as they may be trying to make my life miserable. The fifth characteristic of a non-anxious leader is the ability to encourage healthy disagreement. This happens when you are able to hold that sweet spot between self-definition and emotional connection. You are not only signaling to others that they don't have to agree with them, but you are telling them that you want to know what they think.

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The best way I found to do this is to point people toward the mission or objective. When you can show others that your concern is not who is right, but how you best achieve your common purpose or goal It not only encourages others to express themselves, it helps them to not take disagreement personally. This is true whether the relationship system is a congregation, an organization, or a family. The sixth characteristic of a non-anxious leader is the ability to grant autonomy to others. Nobody likes to be told what to do. When you treat others as adults and respect their ability to get things done, you can agree on objectives without demanding others to do things the way you do it. I recall when I first started as a camp director, I encouraged the staff to take initiative to make decisions and solve their own challenges. People started to do that, and I would say, That's great. I wouldn't have done it that way, but I appreciate that you took the initiative. Fortunately, I realized from the response of others that I needed to drop the second part. When I said I wouldn't do it this way, what I was communicating was that they did it wrong.

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I was undermining my own message to take initiative and take responsibility for self. When you, as a leader, give people the space to make their own decisions and their own mistakes, you enable them to build their own capacity. This is true whether they're a congregant, a team member, or a family member. Doing this makes others and the relationship system stronger. The hard part is getting over yourself enough to let it happen. This leads to the final characteristic of a non-anxious leader, which is the ability to take responsibility for self. Parenthetically, that not only means taking responsibility for self, it also means not trying to take responsibility for others. Non-anxious leaders know they can't change others. They can only change themselves. When you focus on your own functioning without worrying about the functioning of others, you give yourself a chance to be your best self. At the same time, when you own your mistakes, don't blame others and apologize when necessary sensory, you create healthy emotional space and healthy emotional connection. When you act like a grown up, it helps others to do the same. Of course, all of these characteristics are a function of doing your own work, of understanding understanding where your automatic responses come from in your family of origin.

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When you can start to understand those things and self-regulate, then you can pause and get from your primitive brain to your thinking brain. When you can get to your thinking brain, if you have thought through your beliefs, goals, and values, then you can act intentionally with integrity in the moment of choice. This is a life's work, and as I believe Murray Bowen said, the best we can hope for is to get it right about half the time, which means we're going to get it wrong half the time or more, and that's okay. Being able to process what has happened and think about how we would do things differently helps us to improve. The good news is the more you do this, the more you will be able to function as a non-anxious presence. And as a leader, that will make a difference in the relationship system, whether that's a congregation, an organization, or a family. To me, that's work worth doing. That's it for episode 293. Don't forget, you can connect with me at jack@christian-leaders.com and get more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. If you have found this helpful, please share this with someone else who might benefit.

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And please leave a review on your podcast platform of choice. I would really appreciate it. Until next time. Thanks and goodbye.