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Welcome to episode 277 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Before I get into today's episode, this is going to be your last reminder that the free book study of Jenny Brown's book, Growing Yourself Up: How to Bring Your Best to All of Life's Relations, begins Tuesday, May 14th. It's going to run from six weeks from May to June 18th, every Tuesday evening at 07:00 PM Eastern Daylight Time. Jenny Brown is the founder of the Family Systems Institute in Sydney, Australia, and her book, Growing Yourself Up, is a really accessible look at how to grow as a non-anxious presence. And just a reminder, if you want to connect with me, you can email me at jack@christian-leaders.com, and you can subscribe to my Two for Tuesday email at thenonanxiousleader.com. I'll also put a link to subscribe in the show notes. And now, without further ado, here is episode 277, 10 Steps to Effectively Deal with Resistance, Part 2 of 2.

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If you haven't listened to part 1 of this series, I encourage you to go back and do that first. The 10 Steps are based on an article in the Nonprofit quarterly, Calling People forward instead of out, 10 Essential Steps, by Justin Michael Williams and Sherry Tigielski. It's an excerpt from their book, How We Ended Racism: Realizing a New Possibility in One Generation. I'll put a link to both in the show notes. And while it's a guide on how you can address racism, I believe it can apply anytime there is a difference in values and anytime there is resistance Distance. To quickly summarize part one, the authors distinguish between three approaches to dealing with the behavior of another, especially when you believe that behavior is wrong. The first is calling out, which is publicly naming someone else's behavior. This is triangling because you are naming the behavior to others. The second is calling in, which is naming the wrong privately. While this would seem to be healthier, it is still not effective because you are defining the other, which typically results in resistance. Instead of these two unhelpful approaches, Williams and Tegielski recommend calling forward. This is an invitation to the other to be something greater.

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It's pointing to what is right as opposed to what is wrong. It's leadership through self-differentiation. To get into this mode, the authors recommend you ask yourself two questions, do I want to be heard or do I want to be effective? And, do I want to create a bridge or widen the divide? A non-anxious leader will choose to create healthy emotional space and connection, which creates possibility. I'll go quickly through the first four steps from last episode. They are, number one, center your vision, that is, know your goals and values. Number two, drop your stories. Use self-awareness to understand your biases and assumptions. Number three, a Imagine that the other's actions are coming from a place of care, concern, and love. That is, assume their good intentions. Number four, prepare the space. Give some notice so that both you and the other have time to prepare emotionally for the conversation. Those are the four steps. Now, let's get to the remaining six steps to effectively deal with resistance. Step number 5 is to own your feelings. This is self-definition. The authors believe that calling forward must begin with the words I feel. This is consistent with non-violent communication or MVC, where you name your feelings.

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One thing the authors don't mention, which NIVC would suggest, is to start with your observation of what happened without judging. However, I believe they imply this in the example they give, which is, I felt hurt and insignificant after the conversation that just happened in the boardroom, and I want to share how affected I am by this. What's important to avoid saying is you, as this will move you toward defining the other as opposed to defining yourself. The important point is to take responsibility for your own feelings and to express them in a non-anxious, non-threatening way. In situations where you're dealing with resistance to change, an approach like is to express concern about the current situation. For example, in a congregational situation, you might say, I'm concerned that we no longer have a connection to the surrounding community. You haven't yet called them forward, but you've defined yourself without telling them how to feel. Step number 6 is to create a space of connection and compassion. This is what it means to be a non-anxious presence, which means you have to be willing to be vulnerable. Not only do you to self-define in a non-anxious way, you need to be open to the other.

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This is hard, but transformation can't occur without it. According to Williams and Tegielski, judgment, defining others leads to separation. Understanding that connection and compassion gives others the emotional space to express themselves without being judged, leads to transformation. The article quotes author and photographer Doe Zantamata, who once said, It's easy to judge. It's more difficult to understand. Understanding requires compassion, patience, and a willingness to believe that good hearts sometimes choose poor methods. Step number seven is to paint the picture of the vision. The key here is to avoid focusing on what the other did wrong, but instead paint a picture of a preferred future. The authors describe this as remaining committed to moving towards solutions rather than continuing to identify and analyze issues. To me, this sounds quite similar to focusing on emotional process rather than arguing content. That is, to avoid a conflict of wills by not getting into who's right and who's wrong, but to paint a picture of what's possible while giving the other the freedom to choose to follow. It's also important to include how this will make people feel and what you value you in your vision, so this can help create a feeling of possibility while expressing what matters to you.

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The authors give this example, quote, Uncle Dan, it feels so exciting to me to imagine a world where everyone is safe enough to know that they can love who they want without restriction or fear, where they can walk down the street and go into any restaurant and feel safe and accepted. Think about your grandkids. I know how much you love them. I have witnessed the way you deeply care for and love them. Would Wouldn't you want everyone to treat them that way, even if they made a choice to love someone different from what's considered status quo? I'm committed to making the world a kinder place for us now and for our children. The important part here is that the other person feels like you are inviting them into a positive future. Going back to congregational resistance, I might say something like, I look forward to the day when people in this community are not only not afraid of setting foot in this building, but that they actually want to come here because they feel valued and loved unconditionally. I tend not to say, Wouldn't you want to be a part of that? As I feel it puts the other on the spot.

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However, I get the author's point about inviting the other in. In my case, I might ask, What do you think? It's still engaging the other, but perhaps in a less direct way. The most important thing is to understand the concept and to find what is comfortable and natural for you to say in a way that does invite others to look towards this preferred future. Step number eight is don't wait until it's too late. The point here is that avoidance and denial make things more difficult. It especially increases your own anxiety. For more on this, go back to episode 264, Three Ways of Avoid increases anxiety, and three things you can do about it. I'll put a link in the show notes. For me, the most helpful thing to do is actually to arrange to have the conversation, or as step four says, prepare the place. Delaying will only make things worse. And doing this, arranging to have a conversation, will force you to deal with it and to prepare for it. Step number nine is don't arrive with all the solutions. Doing this leaves no space for collaboration. Instead, be curious. Ask open-ended questions. The authors note that the best solutions occur when both parties explore together.

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This also means being open to the idea that there are many paths to moving forward in a healthy way. Remember that being self-differentiated, especially being self-defined, is not necessarily being right. It just means knowing what you believe, but you also give space to hear what others have to say, especially when they can do it in a healthy way. This leads to the final step, which is step number 10, don't attach yourself to a specific outcome. One of my favorite approaches in life is to focus on effort, not outcomes. In most cases, I can't control the outcome, but I can control what I do. This is the essence of taking responsibility for self without trying to control others. Williams and Tegielski remind us that how quickly the other will transform, if at all, is not up to us. When you remember this, it makes it easier to give grace to others, to show compassion, and to foster emotional connection. That creates healthy emotional space, which, as I said previously, creates possibility. Finally, the authors note that you can use the same approach when another is trying to call you out or call you in. In either case, I believe these steps are a helpful guide to how to be a non-anxious presence in a multitude of situations.

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That's it for episode 277. Remember, you can connect with me at thenonanxiousleader.com or email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. Until next time. Thanks and goodbye.