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Welcome to episode 270 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shetama. Before we get into today's episode, I want to remind you that if you want to get more content on a regular basis, you can sign up for my Two for Tuesday newsletter. Go to thenonanxiousleader. Com and find the newsletter signup form, or you can look in the show notes. I'll put a link there. In family systems theory, when we diagnose another, we are labeling them in the system as the source of the problem. For example, in a family of origin, when somebody has substance abuse issues and we say that they are the addict, we focus our attention on them instead of taking responsibility for self. Diagnosis is an inherently anti-systems approach because It ignores other variables in the system, especially our own functioning. In the case of somebody who is addicted, the question we want to be asking is, how is my own behavior, how is my own functioning, enabling this behavior. Diagnosis also reduces the capacity of the diagnosed because it fixes the focus on them. For example, when we say a child has a behavior problem, it will actually make it more difficult for that child to function in healthy ways.

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We're most likely to diagnose when our own anxiety is up. In fact, it's a form of triangle where we focus on the functioning of another to avoid our own discomfort with whatever is going on. In Generation to Generation, Edwin Friedmann says, When you find yourself diagnosing others, ask, What's going on inside of me that I need to focus on the others functioning. In her recent Substack article, Here's what happens when we stop diagnosing each other, Kathleen Smith gives some helpful pointers on how we can take responsibility for self. Now, I believe this is a paid Substack article. I will put a link in the show notes, but you may hit a paywall. That said, it is only $5 a month to subscribe to her paid subscription, and I don't get a commission. I'm just suggesting that if You follow family systems work. She is a good one to follow, and $5 a month is well worth it. One thing that Smith suggests when we find ourselves diagnosing is to shift from adjectives to verbs. I like to call this reframing. In other words, we reframe how we are viewing the situation. Examples of adjectives might be sensitive or stubborn or incapable.

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She gives some great examples of how you can shift, how you can reframe from an objective to a verb. Here are some of her examples, and I'm going to quote them verbatim. An objective would be, My brother is sensitive. A verb would be, He distances when I tell him something he doesn't like. Notice the difference. If we were to use Marshall Rosenberg's nonviolent communication approach, we would say that an objective is a judgment. We're saying, My brother's sensitive. We're deciding, we're judging that he's sensitive, even though that may not be the case. Whereas a verb is an observation. We're just trying to objectively say, This is what's happening when I tell my brother something he doesn't like. Another of Smith's examples is, My mother is overwhelming. This is an adjective, overwhelming, or a judgment in nonviolent communications terms. Whereas the verb would be, she focuses on us to manage her own reactivity. It's an observation. It's not making a judgment about whether what your mom is doing is good or bad. It's just this is how she responds. Another example is, My colleague is helpless, and the objective is helpless. Reframing it as a verb would be, She invites the over-involvement of others when the pressure is up.

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When you find yourself diagnosing by reframing, you're able to then say, How do I want to respond in this situation? Because you're not making a judgment about the other person. That's what diagnosis is. You're focusing on the other, but instead, you observe the other, and then you make a decision about how you want to respond in that situation. What Smith recommends is to remind yourself that there is reciprocity in all relationships. In other words, all relationships have this symbiotic nature where how I respond will impact how the other functions and vice versa. In the example she gives, if I stop telling my brother how I feel, then I'm going to get more anxious, maybe even resentful. However, if I can learn to be honest and stay connected to him without over functioning to lessen his pain, he's likely to grow in his capacity to hear things he doesn't like. As Smith points out, even if he doesn't grow in that capacity, I can grow in my own ability to manage my reactivity, to manage my anxiety to his response. That can help me grow as a non-anxious presence. Looking at the example of the colleague who invites over involvement when the pressure is up, you can ask yourself, how does my over-functioning diminish her capacity?

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How does my over-functioning contribute to her need to invite the over involvement of others? This leads to the thing that Smith doesn't mention, but I think is critical to changing the way we function in relationships, and that is reflection and preparation. To be able to reflect on those situations where we are diagnosing a sibling or a parent or a colleague, and then to think through, How would I function differently? Gives us a chance to actually do that in the moment. That's the preparation part. Being able to then say, In those situations, here's what I'm going to say. For example, with the brother, I know this makes you feel uncomfortable, but I'm going to say it because I think it's important to speak the truth. If you need some time to process it, that's fine with me. If it upset you, I'm going to stick with you. Or with the mother who focuses on us to manage her own reactivity, to say something like, Well, mom, that's interesting. What have you been doing for fun lately? Instead of taking mom's focus, personally getting reactive and/or resentful, you can then switch the topic around and just say, Hey, mom, how are you doing?

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The most important effect is not on your mom, it's on you. It's on how you manage your own anxiety. That's why recognizing diagnosis can help you change how you function in anxious situations. Here's another example of preparation. You know that your colleague invites over-involvement when the pressure is up. You can practice in advance saying something like, You seem to be feeling a lot of pressure. What do you think you can do about this so you can better manage the situation? Notice the subtle difference where you are actually focused on challenge as opposed to comfort, but at the same time, you're showing that you care for your colleague. This all goes back to the idea of self-awareness. When you become aware that you are diagnosing another, it gives you a chance to do things differently. When you are intentional about how you do things differently, it gives you a chance to function as a non-anxious presence. That is how you get better. It takes practice, and practice may not make perfect in terms of self-differentiation, but it will help you be a non-anxious presence more often. That's it for episode 270. Another brief one, but again, I hope that these little snippets of family systems theory can help you to figure out how you can improve as a non-anxious leader.

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Remember, you can connect with me at thenonanxiousleader.com. You can find the transcript at thenonanxiousleader.com/270. You can email me with your questions and episode ideas at jack@christian-leaders.com. Until next time. Thanks and goodbye.

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