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Welcome to episode 264 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Before we get into today's episode, I just want to remind you that if you would like to connect with me, you can email me at jack@christian-leaders.com or you can go to thenonanxiousleader.com and subscribe to my two for Tuesday email newsletter. I'll also put a link to subscribe in the show notes and now, without further ado, here is episode 264 Three Ways Avoidance Increases Anxiety And Three Things You Can Do About It. The basis for this episode comes from an article in the Washington Post. Avoidance, not anxiety, may be sabotaging your life by Luana Marquez, PhD Dr. Marquez is an associate professor of psychiatry at the Harvard Medical School and the author of two books, almost anxious is my or my loved ones worry or distress a problem and bold move, a three step plan to transform anxiety into power. I'll put a link to the article in the show notes, and it should be accessible. It is supposed to be a free share link, although it is possible that you will hit a paywall.

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The first thing that Marquez does in the article is to define psychological avoidance, and she defines it this way. "Psychological avoidance is a way to avoid discomfort. Psychological avoidance is a quick fix to an uncomfortable emotion. It offers emotional relief, but the relief is fleeting and often comes at a heavy cost. Psychological avoidance is akin to an ostrich burying its head in the sand, choosing ignorance over confrontation, all while a storm brews in the background."

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Marquez gives several examples of clients of hers who have used avoidance as a technique to avoid discomfort. One had social anxiety disorder, which included a fear of public speaking and took a job that paid 25% less just to avoid having to speak in front of others. Another had anxiety over future relationships, that is, relationships that didn't yet exist and lost sleep. Tossing and turning in the middle of the night over this and that affected his work performance. Yet another client had discomfort with confrontation and avoided dealing with his team's performance issues, putting his company at risk. Marquez maintains that in each of these situations, the villain is not anxiety, but avoidance. She says that psychological avoidance is not about the actions you take or don't take. It's about your intentions. If what you're doing is intended to shut down your discomfort quickly, then you're likely avoiding it's process, not content. Ironically, avoidance creates temporary relief, but it can progressively amplify anxiety if the challenge is not addressed. The question is, how can you recognize when you are practicing psychological avoidance? Marquez identifies three patterns of psychological avoidance and when you combine understanding of these patterns with your own self awareness, this will help you to better understand if you're using avoidance to manage anxiety.

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The first pattern is reacting. She writes, "Reacting is any response that seeks to eliminate the source of discomfort. It's when we reply hastily to an email that upsets us or raise our voices without considering the consequences."

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The key here is that you are seeking to eliminate your source of discomfort by engaging with the situation and make it go away quickly. And you might recognize this as reactivity. It's an automatic reaction intended to relieve your anxiety. As you are probably well aware, these automatic reactions tend not to be very helpful. The second pattern of avoidance is retreating. This is classic avoidance, moving away or pulling back from anxiety producing situations. When it comes to relationship systems, this would be considered adaptivity or disconnecting. If you're avoiding a difficult conversation, this will increase anxiety in the system, especially if you avoid the other, creating too much emotional distance or you just give in without taking a healthy stand. In either case, Marquez's point here is that this type of avoidance will make things worse, not better. The third pattern of avoidance is remaining. This is sticking to the status quo to avoid the discomfort of change. This is stuckness. Or in family systems theory, this is homeostasis or equilibrium. Even when it's not healthy, there is a comfort in knowing what to expect, not just for you, but for others in the relationship system as well.

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Let's say you have an employee that you supervise who regularly comes in late. You like this person. They're actually pretty productive, but they are constantly late and it's really bothering you. Yet you say nothing day after day until after some period of time you explode and chew them out. The employee gets better for a while and then the pattern repeats itself. Oddly enough, there is comfort in this type of sameness, even if it does result in an occasional explosion. The problem is avoiding the discomfort of change in the situation. To manage your own anxiety actually increases anxiety in the relationship system. So what can you do about it? Let's cover that. Next, Marquez suggests three strategies to overcome psychological avoidance. The first is shifting. This is all about reflection that leads to self awareness. It's checking in with your thoughts when you are anxious and she notes that we tend to have distorted thoughts in response to intense emotions. She gives the example of her client who would think to himself, I will never be in a good relationship. She recommends challenging your thoughts by asking, would I say this to my best friend? Another question I think that is helpful to ask is, what is the story I'm telling myself in either case?

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In the case of the client who didn't think they would ever be in a good relationship, thinking about what they are telling themselves, what they are saying to themselves in terms of what they might say to a friend helps to give them some perspective that perhaps they are being overly pessimistic. The idea of shifting is to challenge what you are telling yourself so that rather than avoiding the situation, you can reframe it or shift it. The second strategy for overcoming avoidance is approaching. This is reversing your avoidance by moving toward the challenge that has been making you anxious. The nuance here is that you don't go at it blindly or forcefully. Instead, you take a step that feels manageable. Marquez suggests asking yourself, what is one small step I can take toward my fears and anxiety to overcome my avoidance? For example, Marquez's client, who feared public speaking, volunteered to read a book in her son's classroom. Marquez writes,"Even the smallest act of facing our fears can rewire our brain to deal with anxiety better rather than sidestepping it."

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The third strategy for overcoming avoidance is aligning. This is aligning your daily actions with your values. That is, the things that matter to you. Marquez notes that when you're anxious, you tend to let your emotions dictate your actions. That's reactivity. And she says aligning your actions with your values can reduce anxiety. This is the essence of self-differentiation. Values are about self-definition, reflection, and preparation can help you to think about how you can express these in healthy ways so you can stay emotionally connected. And when anxious situations take you by surprise, self-regulation can create enough of a pause that you can stop your automatic reaction and act with integrity in the moment of choice that you can align your actions with your values. Going back to the example I gave about the employee who was regularly late to work, instead of avoiding the tardy employee, think about what's important to you and what you're willing to live with. Then prepare yourself to have that conversation thinking through what you want to say and how you can say it in a nonaxious way. A self differentiated statement might be I have been avoiding this conversation with you because of my own discomfort.

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Notice how this is taking responsibility for self, you can then continue. I'm no longer willing to tolerate your tardiness. If it happens again, I will dock your pay and if it happens a second time, I will have to let you go. Notice how the focus is on taking responsibility, on self defining and not blaming. I'm not comfortable. I'm not willing to put up with this anymore. This is what I'm going to do if it continues. Of course, there are a lot of ways you can deal with this. You could do three strikes instead of two. You could say you're willing to allow one tardy a month. The important part is not what you do, it's how you do it. It's process, not content. I appreciate Dr. Marquez's work because it helps me to look at the ways I manage my anxiety through avoidance as well as gives me strategies to self differentiate. I hope it can help you too. That's it for episode 264 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with somebody else who might benefit. Also, please go on your podcast app and leave a review that helps other people to find it.

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And don't forget, you can connect with me at thenonanxiousleader.com and jack@christian-leaders.com. Until next time, thanks and goodbye.