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Welcome to episode 254 of the non-anxious leader podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. I am taking Thanksgiving week off. I'm at our annual vacation with extended family in the Outer Banks of North Carolina. And if we're lucky, I might get some good family system stories out of it. Either way, I'm doing a re-broadcast this week and next week, and I thought this week would be a good time to prepare you for the holidays. So without further ado, here is episode 254, a re-broadcast of how to stand up for yourself during the holidays or anytime.

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The holidays are a source of surrounding togetherness pressure. If you've ever been asked to be a part of a family gathering but decided to do something else, then you have probably felt that pressure. Learning to remain a non-anxious presence and to self differentiate can be a challenge. It's helpful to understand the concept of reactivity and learning to stand up for yourself in healthy ways, whether it's during the holidays or any other time. I use the holidays as an example because this pressure tends to surface more often, especially in our own family of origin. Reactivity occurs when we respond automatically to others, either by getting defensive or argumentative. And it's important to understand that we can be reactive even when someone else is being a non-anxious presence. It's not just when we are triggered by somebody else's anxiety, but if there is something going on inside of us when someone else self-differentiates and we don't like it and we respond automatically with defensiveness or by arguing, then that's reactivity. Reactivity is antithetical to self-differentiation because instead of just saying what we believe or feel in a non-anxious way, we engage in a conflict of wills with others.

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We can't blame them for this response because regardless of whether they are anxious or not, reactivity comes from inside of us. Adaptivity is also a form of reactivity. It's the other side of the coin. It's when we give in without saying what we think or feel or believe. We may present ourselves as being non-anxious, but we are not self-differentiating because we're not self-defining. And remember, self-differentiation requires both self-definition and emotional connection. Adaptivity means we are emotionally connected, but we are not self-differentiated because we are just giving in. I got the idea for this story from an email that I got from Allison Cooke, PhD. It's actually an article titled Taking Charge of What You Need. Unfortunately, it's not actually a blog post. You can't find it on the web. But I will post a link to her website if you want to sign up for her emails. Dr. Cooke is somebody, I think, who actually expresses a lot of family system theory in what she does, even if she doesn't always use similar terms or mention family systems itself. She writes, quote, This holiday season, imagine what it would be like to take charge of your needs.

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Taking charge of what you need isn't selfish. It's how you learn to show up authentically with the people you love. It's a way of respecting others by demonstrating that you also respect yourself. You see, that sounds like self differentiation to me. Cook notes that this starts with self awareness. Understanding what's going on inside of us and what might cause us to react or adapt is essential. It's most helpful to do this in advance because, especially in our family of origin and especially during the holidays, we can anticipate the kinds of things that will trigger us. This also involves identifying what your needs are so that you are able to express them when appropriate. Cook suggests not only that we try to discern what we want out of a holiday or expanding this to other situations, what we want out of a situation, while also trying to understand what others want out of a holiday. Doing the latter is a reminder that everybody has different wants and needs, and that it's okay for people to come in with different understandings of what they want and need out of a holiday. It gives you a little bit more empathy, a little bit more compassion for the other.

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And you may not always know, you may not always be right about what they want and need, but just thinking about it will help you to have a better understanding of why there might be some friction in the holiday period. And of course, expanding this to any time, it's always good to try to get a sense for what other people are wanting and needing out of a given situation, whether that's in the congregation or in a work system. When you do that, you think beyond yourself. It's not trying to please. It's not trying to give in to others. It's just trying to acknowledge that we all want different things out of life. Given all this, Cook suggests four things that you can do to take charge of your holidays. And the way I look at this is these are four things you can do to be able to express yourself in healthy ways, to be able to take a stand about what you believe, what you want, what you feel, and what you need. The first thing to do is to consider the big picture and specifically the tension between autonomy and togetherness. Now, these are the two words that Cook uses.

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You've likely heard me say there's a tension between self, definition, and emotional connection. These are one and the same. What's important about this is to think about what's going on in the system, what's going on in the relationships that are interacting during any given time, whether it's the holidays or some other time, and then determining for yourself whether it's more important to self-define or to lean towards togetherness and connection. Cook writes, quote, What does my body long for from me? What would stir up joy or bring comfort to my heart? What is a glimpse of grace that I need to see? Also consider how you get in your own way. For example, you might want to take some time off from pleasing too many people, saying yes when you wish to say no, intervening in other people's conflicts or pretending everything is perfect in your life. End quote. Doing this thinking in advance is essential. If you allow yourself to go into situations unprepared, you will just fall back on your old automatic patterns. This is true whether it's your family of origin during the holidays, whether it's a congregation or a work system. Self-awareness and reflection help you to prepare for possible anxious situations so that you can respond in the best way possible.

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Cook's second suggestion is also part of the preparation process, and that's to write a sense that reflects a need that you have going into the situation. She writes, quote, This desire must reflect something that you have control over. In other words, you may desire that your family all get along, but you can't make that happen. On the other hand, you can remove yourself from family trauma. Your sentence should include a need and an action statement. For example, I need emotional connection today, therefore I will share with someone who is safe. I need rest, therefore I will slip out for 30 minutes to take a walk or a nap. I need a good laugh, therefore I will reach out to a friend who knows how to make me laugh or find a good movie to lighten up the day. This is all about the self-definition component of self-differentiation. It's hard to take a stand. It's hard to express what's important to you if you're not really clear on what that is. It's not rocket science. But again, if you don't do this in advance, you'll be unprepared, and that will make it harder for you. Cook's third suggestion is, Take the guilt out of it.

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She writes, quote, take a look at what you wrote and talk about what you need with God. Honor your needs as valid. Ask for his help as you take charge of what you can. You are not trying to take anything away from anybody else. Instead, you are simply honoring yourself. It's hard to be a non-anxious presence when you feel guilty. Self differentiation is not selfishness, but it is being able to express what you need in a healthy way. I think it's helpful to remind yourself that you care about others in the system, but you also need to take care of yourself. This is that balance between self-definition and emotional connection. It's not all or nothing when you are taking a stand for what you need. Just as you are thinking of others, you need to think of yourself. So have some self-compassion, give yourself a break and understand that taking care of yourself will help you to take care of others. Finally, Cook recommends to communicate if necessary. She writes, quote, If you need to speak up about your need, prepare what you want to say. Fewer words tend to be clearer. Your goal is not to make others understand.

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Your goal is simply to create space for what you need. Here are some guidelines for healthy communication. Affirm the good, tell the truth, don't make up excuses, name the yes you need to say to yourself. End quote. Here are some examples that I came up with based on this. It sounds like fun, but I'm overwhelmed. I'm going to pass on this one and get some rest. Or, I can tell you're really concerned. I appreciate that. I've given this a lot of thought, and I'm comfortable with my decision. Or, I love you all and I'm so grateful for you. I'm going to stretch my legs and clear my head. Cook's point about not trying to make others understand, and I would say also not trying to get others to agree with you or to affirm what you're doing is really important. You're not asking people's permission. What you're doing is saying, This is what I need. This is what I'm going to do. And you express it by staying emotionally connected, by saying you care and perhaps you understand, but that this is how you're going to proceed. I think you can see that this applies not just to taking care of yourself during the holidays and maybe giving yourself some space with relatives when you need it.

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It also is a way to take a stand in any situation. Perhaps you're going to make a big decision and you need to share it with people, or you need to express your disagreement with something that is going on in the system. The work is still the same. Understand the big picture, the tug, the tension between self-definition, you expressing what you think and believe and need, and togetherness, the emotional connection in the system. Once you've clarified what you need to express, the stand you need to take, then write it down. Try to write down a sentence that clearly expresses it and takes responsibility for self. Let go of any guilt and when the time is right, express it in a healthy way. This is not easy stuff, but I think you know that you're not going to be able to take healthy stands automatically. It takes preparation. It takes that self-awareness, that reflection, that intentionality. And in the moment, sometimes you don't always get it right. But if we give it our best shot, we can continue to get better in how we do it, and we continue to get better in how we prepare.

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That's what non-anxious leaders do.

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That's it for episode 254. Look for another rebroadcast next week, and I will be back in two weeks with an all new episode. And remember, you can connect with me at thenon-anxiousleader.com. You can email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. And if you know someone who would benefit from this episode, please pass it on to them.

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Thanks and goodbye.