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Welcome to Episode 250 of the Non-anxious Leader podcast. I am Jack Shitama, and we are going to get right into today's episode. Becky Kennedy's Ted talk, the single most important parenting strategy focuses on the concept of repair and parenting. She defines repair as the act of returning to a moment of disconnection, taking responsibility for your behavior and acknowledging its impact on another. This looks like self differentiation to me. I'll put a link to the Ted talk in the show notes. Kennedy, a clinical psychologist, emphasizes that everyone loses their temper from time to time, especially with their own children. However, she provides practical advice to help parents manage the guilt and shame associated with these not so great moments. Even if you are not a parent, you may have experienced these types of moments as a child, and I believe most leaders experience these moments, at least occasionally, as a leader. Kennedy differentiates repair from an apology, explaining that while an apology often seeks to shut a conversation down, a good repair opens one up. She encourages parents to focus on getting good at repair, which assumes there's been a rupture. This means that when parents mess up or fall short of someone else's expectations, they should view it as an opportunity for repair rather than berating themselves.

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Likewise, as a leader, when you have moments where you have been reactive or even adaptive, you can take the opportunity to think of repair as reestablishing healthy connection as well as an opportunity for self differentiation. I would encourage you to watch the video. It's a well spent seven to 15 minutes, depending on how fast you like to play your videos, because it's not only to the parent-child relationship, but to any meaningful relationship. According to Kennedy, almost nothing within our interpersonal relationships can have as much impact as repair. Remember that Murray Bowen said that the best we can hope for is to differentiate 15 % of the time, that that would be extraordinary, and most of it do it only a third of the time or less. This means that more often than not, we are reactive or adaptive. That is, we're not responding in ways that are consistent with our goals and values. We are either getting defensive or aggressive, or we are giving in without taking a healthy stand. Kennedy's repair process is more likely needed when you are reactive. However, I also believe it can be modified when you are adaptive as well.

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Bill Selby, founder of the Center for Pastoral Effectiveness in the Rockies, often says that a sentence never ends with a period. It always ends with a comma. Before you take issue with this punctuation, note that Selby means that a conversation is never over. No matter how badly things might have gone, you can almost always go back and reopen the conversation. That's what the repair process is, as defined by Kennedy. So now that we've set the stage, let's take a look at what Becky Kennedy's repair process looks like. In her Ted talk, Becky Kennedy talks about a time when she was tired and frustrated after a long day. Her son came into the kitchen as she was cooking, looked at the table and said, Chicken again? Disgusting. Kennedy got reactive and yelled, What is wrong with you? Can you be grateful for one thing in your life? Her son screamed back, I hate you, ran back to his room and slammed the door. Kennedy confesses that her self-loathing session began as she asked herself, What's wrong with me? I've messed up my kid forever. It doesn't help that she's a clinical psychologist and her specialty is helping people become better parents.

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Clearly, this was a moment that required repair. And when you have failed to self-regulate, as Kennedy did in this situation, she recommends three steps. The first is to repair with yourself by separating your identity from your behavior. Self differentiation is about being able to define your goals and values in healthy ways. When you are unable to do this in the moment, you can reflect on what happened and remind yourself that this is not who you are. Remember that the way you respond is not always who you are or who you aspire to be. You're only able to do that one-third to one-half of the time. Show yourself some compassion. Say to yourself, I'm not proud of my latest behavior and it doesn't define me. This is just as important when you are adaptive as it is when you are reactive. Even though you might not feel the need to repair when you give in, you may want to go back to the other person and redefine yourself. I was working with a pastor who said on a Sunday after worship, a congregant said to them that they were going to do something different with a church program that week.

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The pastor automatically said, okay, he was in pleaser mode and went along. Afterward, the pastor realized he didn't want the congregant doing what they said. He had been adaptive, and had he paused to clearly think about what he wanted, he wouldn't have said yes. Reflection is important, so you can decide how you could have responded in a way that is more in line with your goals and values, not to mention respond as a non-anxious presence. In Kennedy's case, she used this process to remind herself that she wasn't proud of her behavior and that it didn't define her. Rather than letting herself off the hook, she took responsibility for self. Because she repaired herself, she could direct her energy toward thinking about what she would do differently the next time and how she could repair with her son. This leads to the second step in the repair process, which is repairing with the other person by taking responsibility, acknowledging the impact, and stating what you will do differently the next time. In Kennedy's situation, she said, Hey, I keep thinking about what happened the other night in the kitchen. I'm sorry I yelled. I'm sure that felt scary, and it wasn't your fault.

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I'm working on staying calm even when I'm frustrated. This is not only taking responsibility for self, which is a hallmark of self differentiation. It's fostering emotional connection because she acknowledged that what she did impacted her son. As mentioned in the introduction, Kennedy notes that more often than not, apologies are designed to put the damage behind, while repair opens up the conversation. An example of an unhelpful apology is, hey, I'm sorry I yelled at you in the kitchen, but if you wouldn't have complained about dinner, it wouldn't have happened. That's blaming the other for her yelling. It's certainly not taking responsibility for self. The repair process involves acknowledging what happened, taking responsibility for it, and saying what you will do differently next time. It doesn't focus on the other's actions, but focuses on defining self and taking responsibility for your own actions. And what about when you adapt? Let's go back to the adaptive pastor who went along with his congregant. After reflecting, he took responsibility for self. He called the congregant and said that he had responded too quickly and that he preferred that the congregant not move forward as he had originally agreed. The congregant said, no problem.

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A sentence always ends with a comma, not a period. The third step in the repair process is to discuss ways to do better in the future. This works both ways. You can share how you can do better in self-regulating and responding in healthy ways. You can ask the other what they might do differently or even make suggestions. In her TED talk, Kennedy notes, quote, Now that I've reconnected with my son, I can do something really impactful. I can teach him a skill he didn't have in the first place, which is how kids actually change their behavior. So maybe the next day I say, you're not always going to like what I make for dinner. Instead of saying, that's disgusting, I wonder if you could say, not my favorite. Now I'm teaching him how to regulate his understandable disappointment and communicate effectively and respectfully with another person. That never would have happened if instead, I had been blaming him for my reaction. End quote. Of course, when you are doing this with adults, you may or may not feel like it's a teaching moment. However, you can often make a request about how you would like the other to behave.

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That's what it means to self-differentiate, to say what you would like. The other doesn't have to agree, but at least you've expressed yourself in a healthy way. Remember that Marshall Rosenberg says in nonviolent communication that you know you've made a request and not a demand when you get a no. The point of self differentiation is to let the other know where you stand, not to coerce them into behaving a certain way. Finally, Kennedy notes that our memory combines original events with every time we remember the event. This is why therapy can be helpful because it helps us to reframe our past and helpful ways. Repair does just that. It takes reactive and adaptive moments and reopens them so they can be reframed in helpful ways. For me, the most challenging part is being willing to take responsibility for self and for my role in the relationship. If I can do this, I can ask God for the courage to do the hard work of repair. I believe this is one of the important things that distinguishes non-anxious leaders. That's it for episode 250, I hope you've found it helpful. And if you have, would you please share this with someone else that you think might benefit as well.

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And you can connect with me at thenon-anxiousleader.com or email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. Until next time, thanks and goodbye.

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