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Welcome to Episode 246 of the Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Schitama, and the idea for today's episode comes from an inc. Com article, How to Solve the leadership paradox by David Finkel. The leadership paradox is the idea that a leader actually can control the direction of an organization. Finkel writes, "At the heart of the leadership paradox lies the realization that control, in its traditional sense, is a mirage. Leaders who attempt to control every aspect of their domain often find themselves frustrated, exhausted, and ultimately less effective, not to mention, burnt out. The true essence of leadership lies not in controlling everything, but in understanding what can be influenced and using that to your advantage." Finkel is a business coach and the co-author of Scale, Seven Proven Principles to grow your business and Get Your Life Back. He maintains that one of the biggest problems in the business world is the tendency of the leader to need to control and micromanage the systems that they lead. Finkl contends that this approach can hinder growth for years to come. Instead of control and micromanagement, effective leaders focus on influence. To me, this is what leadership through self differentiation looks like.

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For example, non-anxious leaders don't focus on the things they can't change, such as external trends, global events, and the actions of others. Instead, they focus on self-regulation, self-definition, and emotional connection. Finkl describes this as directing their energies towards the places where their expertise, vision, and guidance can make a difference. The leader's emphasis is on inspiring and facilitating rather than commanding and micromanaging. Let's break it down. First, non-anxious leaders know that the only thing they can control in any situation, in any challenge, is their own response. They can't change what happened. They can't change others. They can only change how they function. Self-regulation is the first step in managing your own anxiety so that you can present yourself as a non-anxious presence. Second, non-anxious leaders get clear on their own beliefs, goals, and values before deciding a course of action. In high stress situations, they often have to do this in the moment. Asking the question, what response is most consistent with what I believe and where I want to go can help. It's a long sentence which will get you to slow down in the first place. It will also help you to get clear on your goals and values which is essential to self-differentiation.

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Finally, responding in a non-anxious and caring way makes clear what you believe while staying emotionally connected. What's most important about this is that you give people the choice to follow. If you make demands or commands, people will resist. Influence is showing the way and inspiring others to follow. The most important way to do this is to recognize the importance of autonomy. Every person wants to feel in control of their own choices. When you foster autonomy, the freedom to choose, you are not only building capability in others, you are showing that you respect them as human beings. This doesn't always work, but making demands or issuing commands is almost certain not to work. Two of my favorite sayings are, nobody wants to be told what to do, and effective leaders say what they believe while giving others the freedom to disagree. Both sayings emphasize the importance of autonomy. The question is, if controlling our own response is the primary thing we do as non-anxious leaders, are there other things we can control? Finko lists several ways a leader can influence the direction of an organization. One is deciding who does the work. This starts with who you hire or who you recruit to fill volunteer positions.

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Finko talks about competence, knowledge, and experience, which are all good. However, especially in congregational leadership, I would focus on spiritual maturity and self differentiation. When you work with people who are spiritually mature, they seek to put God's will first. They don't always do, but they're trying. And when they're also self differentiated, they are able to maintain a non-anxious presence even when there is disagreement. This makes it much more likely that the congregation or organization can move forward. You can also control who you hand off tasks to, how you delegate, and how you follow up. In my experience, working with the right people is key. Choose people who can take responsibility for self. Ask them if they can work on something rather than demanding, and give them the space to get it done. Let them know that you will be following up on an agreed upon time, then do so understanding that things rarely work out as planned. The important part here is knowing where you end and another begins. When you work with others, there is only so much you can control, and that has to do with how you prepare, how you ask, and how you follow up.

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In all of these things, understanding the difference between micromanaging and inspiring is essential. Micromanaging is over-functioning and it destroys healthy emotional space. Whether you do this with an employee, a congregant, or your children, it will foster resistance. On the other hand, setting clear objectives and giving space for another to manage their own work offers the best chance for positive outcomes. Finally, non-anxious leaders can control how they develop and train others, even as they allow for natural consequences when doing this. The coach approach to developing others recognizes that all we can do is prepare them. We can offer knowledge, skills, and support, but in the end, the other has to perform. As a non-anxious leader, you understand this because you know where you end and the other begins. Allowing for natural consequences provides healthy emotional space when things don't go as planned, which is often the case. My favorite response comes from University of Alabama head football coach nick Sabin. When a player makes a mistake, he says, So what? Now what? So what? Communicates, okay, that happened. It can't be changed. What did you learn from this? Now what? Communicates that the other now has a choice in how they will respond.

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What will you do differently? How can you increase the chances you will do this? Leadership through self differentiation understands that we can't control others, but we can prepare them, encourage them, develop them, and inspire them. When you lead as a non-anxious presence, you do this and you give yourself and the system you lead the best chance for positive outcomes. That's it for episode 246 a little shorter than normal, but hopefully just as helpful. Remember, you can connect with me at thenon-anxiousleader.com. You can email me at jack@christian-leaders.c om. And if you found this helpful, please share this episode with somebody that you think might like to function as a non-anxious presence. Until next time, thanks and goodbye.