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Welcome to Episode 237 of the Non A nxious Leader podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. This week's episode came from a listener, Ken, who asked if I could look at procrastination from a family systems perspective. Specifically, he mentioned that he had seen ads on social media that said procrastination is actually a trauma response. Thanks again, Ken. Here's my take. First off, it's important to distinguish between chronic and normal procrastination. Many, if not most of us, tend to procrastinate in some form or another. This is normal. In fact, normal procrastination is not laziness. For many of us so called productive members of society, procrastination is finding ways to keep busy on things that may need to be done but aren't aligned with our most important goals. For example, if you say you want to write a book book, but instead of using the time you set aside to do that writing, you check email, pay your bills, or organize your desk, you are procrastinating.

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Or if you have a big project at work but you spend time doing your expense report, you are procrastinating. What many of us do is replace our most important work with busy work as a form of procrastination. And as you may have experienced, as you procrastinate, that important thing looms larger and larger. It hangs over your head and the longer you wait, the harder it is to get started. If you're like most people, you eventually start because you have to. The deadline is imminent and you have no choice. Then you finally get started and you find it was easier than you thought and you wonder why you put it off so long. At least that's the way it works for me. A side note here, this is why aspirational goals aren't usually met because there are no deadlines to force us to get it done. Unless you have a book deal and a publisher's deadline, you can put off writing forever. On the other hand, chronic procrastination is putting things off to the point where you never get things done on time, if at all. There are some people who procrastinate so often and so long that they're constantly missing deadlines.

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We know that perfectionism, fear of failure, and fear of criticism are reasons people procrastinate. We also know that procrastination is associated with higher levels of anxiety and depression. In her Psychology Today article, How Procrastination Can Reflect Childhood Experience, Peg Streep addresses the question of whether procrastination is a response to childhood trauma. Her article is adapted from her book, the Daughter Detox Question and Answer book, a GPS for navigating your way out of a toxic childhood. Streep writes, Children who grew up having their emotional needs met and who were loved, supported, and encouraged to take risks don't fear failure. These securely attached people see the landscape of life as being dotted by potential failures and setbacks because it's unrealistic to believe that anyone will succeed at everything. This doesn't mean that a misstep doesn't hurt because it does. But the securely attached have the ability to regroup, and because they always entertain failure as a possibility, they're not taken down. Some psychologists call these people approach oriented. When Streep describes these children as securely attached, I think she is referring to attachment theory, which is beyond the scope of this episode, but at some point I'll have to address attachment theory in an episode.

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That said, I interpret securely attached to mean that the child had healthy emotional connections with those closest in their family of origin, especially their parent or parents. She goes on to say, In contrast, if you grew up in a family where love was earned and support in short supply, you're more likely to assume that any failure reflects your flawed status as a human being instead of a mistake or miscalculation. Your response to a setback is likely to echo what you were told growing up, including the idea that the world is divided into winners and losers and you never want to be labeled as the latter. To the extent that this of love and support actually comes in the form of frightening experiences for the child, such as anger, isolation, and even violence, it makes sense that this trauma can instill a fear of failure. Streep notes that procrastination occurs because you can't fail at something you haven't done. And while this may be exchanging one form of failure for another, that is, being late or missing deadlines, she notes that if one has grown up feeling criticized or always falling short, then it's better to not try than to risk humiliation.

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Finally, Streep notes that research suggests that the fear of failure is transmitted from one generation to the next. The implication is that if procrastination is a trauma response, then the trauma itself can be passed on from generation to generation. This is where family systems theory comes in. Murray Bowen believed that intergenerational or multi generational transmission is the means by which patterns not only persist but are passed on from generation to generation. Both positive and negative patterns can be transmitted. The idea that levels of self differentiation are passed on through this process is central to family systems theory. Other family dynamics, such as favoring certain sibling positions, specific kinds of conflicts, physical and emotional abuse, and addiction can also be transmitted. Multigenital generational transmission occurs through both conscious and unconscious means. The conscious means are processes like teaching and the sharing of stories. The family projection process, where parents project their intense emotions onto their children, is the main unconscious process. So yes, I believe that family systems theory can help explain procrastination that is rooted in childhood trauma, whether that trauma is experienced by just that child or just that generation, or it has been transmitted intergenerationally.

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We know that reactivity and adaptivity are automatic behaviors, habits, if you will, that are formed in childhood as a coping mechanism. Whether we call those experiences trauma or not, these behavior patterns are deeply ingrained. They are most likely to appear when we are most stressed, anxious, or feel the most threatened. It's important to note that we often respond automatically with these coping mechanisms when we feel threatened nd even if we aren't being threatened. I believe that like reactivity and adaptivity, procrastination can be an automatic response. Streep suggests in her article to ask yourself if you feel anxious when you procrastinate or do you feel relief? If you feel anxious, it's likely normal procrastination. If you feel relief, it's likely a coping mechanism. I also believe that the family system's concept of symmetry is important. Edwin Friedmann noted in Generation to Generation that the same cause can result in two different responses at opposite ends of the spectrum. For example, somebody who grows up in a family where most everyone smokes cigarettes can be a smoker or a staunch antimoker. Same cause, same surrounding togetherness pressure, opposite effect. Likewise, the same effect can come from two different causes.

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Somebody who sleeps a lot can either be depressed or really contented. What I take from this is that somebody who experiences childhood trauma, whether or not it is transmitted generationally, can either be a procrastinator or somebody who needs to make plans well in advance and is inflexible. When things throw them off course, they have trouble adjusting. Personally, I like to live by Adam Grant's philosophy of waiting until the last responsible moment. I I'm a natural procrastinator, probably not in a chronic sense, but because I seem to work better when I have the pressure of a deadline. I've always liked waiting until the last minute. However, there is a point beyond which, if you don't get started, you're going to be in trouble. That's the last responsible moment. That doesn't mean I don't plan. It just means that I'm not rigid about my plans. If you are procrastinating, the best thing you can do is commit to start. That usually overcomes the friction that keeps you stuck. So just commit to working for 10 or 15 minutes on it. You don't have to do anymore, although you likely will, and it will help you get unstuck.

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And if you are a chronic procrastinator, it's probably wise to get help. Find a therapist who specializes in Boeing Family therapy. They can help you do your family of origin work to unpack what's behind the chronic procrastination so that you can differentiate your way out of it. Multigenerational transmission is not destiny, but the only way we can change things is by changing the way we function. Whether it's procrastination or anything else, the only way we can do that is to do our own work. That's it for Episode 237. Thanks again to Ken for sending in that question. I'd love to hear your questions. They might even become a podcast episode. You can connect with me at thenonanxiousleader.com. You can sign up for my email list, my weekly Two For Tuesday newsletter by going to the show notes and using the link there. You can email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. Until next time, thanks and goodbye.