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Welcome to Episode 236 of the Nonanxious Leader podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Today's episode comes from an article on Substack that I ran across called Your Boundaries Set You Free by Brian Stout. And in Episode 230, I covered some healthy approaches to saying no to others. Saying no is setting a boundary. In this episode, I want to unpack what a boundary is. Stout leads off his article with a quote from Parenting Coach Janet Landsbury, where she says it is one of the highest forms of love to set boundaries. Edwin Friedmann describes self differentiation as knowing where we end and the other begins like a boundary. It's understanding that we can only take responsibility for ourself. It's not that we don't care about the other. It's that the best thing we can do for them is to let them be themselves, as well as face their own challenges while we remain emotionally connected.

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So what is a boundary? Stout quotes Brené Brown who says, A boundary is a clear understanding of what is okay for you and what is not okay. Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others. Setting a boundary is not only knowing where we end and the other begins, it's the very definition of self differentiation. It's knowing your own goals and values, or as Bernay Brown says, what is okay and not okay, in the midst of surrounding togetherness pressure, which she describes as the risk of disappointing others. Because self differentiation includes the ability to be a non anxious presence, it's helpful to remember the two components of that self definition and emotional connection. Self definition is the goals and values part. It's knowing what's okay and what's not okay for you, even if it disappoints others. This is what setting a boundary is about. You may feel anxious inside, but you are able to regulate it and have the courage to express what you need in a healthy way. The challenge is to remain emotionally connected. Setting a boundary without remaining connected is not healthy. If you simply take a stand and don't show you care, don't stay connected, things will get worse.

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Stout quotes Alexandra Solomon, who says, The goal is to remain grounded in myself and connected to you. He also shares Prettya Hemphil, who says, Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously. Each one of these statements is about knowing our own goals and values, being able to self define, but remaining connected, loving myself and loving the other at the same time. My nine years in pastoral ministry occurred when my children were young and into their teen years. There were many times that I missed church meetings because of their evening activities. In fact, when I started coaching little league sports, this was a regular occurrence. At first, saying I was going to miss a meeting was hard. I felt surrounding togetherness pressure, but I did my best to self differentiate. I would say, I want to be there, but I want to see my child's concert or game or teacher, fill in the blank. And then I would say, Please keep me posted on how it went. Saying I want to be there and asking them to keep me posted was showing I cared and I wanted to stay connected. Because a boundary was set between pastoral ministry and my family life, people respected it and accepted it, which made it easier to say it in the future, to say something like, There's a game tonight, so I won't be attending, because they understood.

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Another thing I think is important is I have worked over the years to say, I won't be attending, as opposed to, I'm not able to attend. The former establishes that I'm making a choice. When I have a choice, I think it's more honest to state it that way. When I'm not actually able to do something, I'll state it that way. But more often than not, boundaries are about us making a choice and saying, I won't, or I don't, or I'm not going to is better than saying I can't. Now, I think understanding boundaries is fairly straightforward in practice, but things can get messy with boundaries, so let's unpack that next. One of the key learnings in this article was to understand that sometimes our own feelings are a signal to better understanding boundaries. Stout writes, Xavier Dogba offered a really helpful way to tune into your own boundaries by noticing your feelings as an indicator. He explains that resentment and anger are both warning signs of boundary violations. Where resentment indicates a boundary wasn't set, anger is a signal that an identified boundary has been transgressed. Of course, this assumes that you're a reasonably healthy person who is not only in tune with your feelings, but you're generally trying to take responsibility for self.

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When we are feeling resentful, we are not taking responsibility for self. We likely were influenced by surrounding togetherness pressure and did something that was not consistent with our goals and values. We didn't set a boundary. That's on us, not the other. On the other hand, when we're feeling angry, it's more likely that we did set a boundary and the other ignored it. In either case, it means we're going to have to figure out how to take a stand. In one case, it means setting a boundary where there wasn't one, and the other, it means reaffirming or reinforcing the boundary. To me, this approach makes the practice of self regulation even more important. When we have strong feelings, whether it's resentment or anger, it's easy to act automatically and with emotionality. Neither is usually helpful, and we might not even be able to distinguish between resentment and anger in certain cases. For me, if I'm able to pause and self regulate, I still may need some time to process what's going on in me and how I'm going to respond. That means that I may not address things in the moment. I might have to be adaptive at that point, then have to come back later when I've thought things through.

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It's not ideal, but I think it's better than being reactive. I know that whenever I do respond, whether in the moment or later, if I'm resentful, I need to own it. I need to say, I realized I was feeling resentful, and it's not your fault. I should have told you that I don't, won't, can't, fill in the blank, whatever the boundary is. In the future, I hope you'll respect that. In the case of a boundary violation, saying, I was angry because I felt like I had stated that I don't, won't, can't, fill in the blank. Perhaps I wasn't clear enough about that. In the future, I hope you'll respect that. Whether you're setting a boundary or reaffirming it, it's important to be curious because curiosity can reduce anxiety. Asking questions like, What can we do to make this work for both of us? Or, How do you feel about this? Or, What more do you need for me to understand this can get a healthy conversation going? Of course, it may not be received well, and in that case, the question is, what do you do? Stout reminds us that we are only responsible for our own actions and not for the other's feelings.

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He stresses the importance of distinguishing between two scenarios. In the first, I behaved in a way that I regret and I need to change my behavior. In this case, I need to own it and do what's necessary to make things right. The learning is individual to me and the situation is mine to repair. This will typically involve a genuine apology and figuring out a path to do better. This is taking responsibility for self. The second scenario is when I behaved in a way that is fine, that I don't need to change, but harm was done. The other experienced negative feelings. In this case, the work is relational and it takes both people to repair the damage. The second scenario is trickier. You can't be responsible for the other's feelings, but you can acknowledge that they were hurt. As Stout notes, you can feel compassion for the other without taking responsibility for the cause of their distress. The fact that it's not your fault makes this even more difficult because they will often think it is. But it's important to remember that the goal here is not to solve the conflict. You're not going to give in on your boundary or you shouldn't.

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The goal is to repair the relationship, to stay connected without taking responsibility for the other's pain. Stout quotes Juanita Robertson who says responsibility is always on the most healed. What she's referring to is who has the responsibility for taking the initiative of exerting the emotional labor necessary to repair the relationship. This is different than taking responsibility for the other and their feelings. What it does mean is that you do your best to stay connected because you've done your own work. You are working to remain a non anxious presence. You know what it means to work toward self differentiation. Just because it's not your fault doesn't mean you disconnect. That might teach them a lesson, but it's not going to help you or the other in the long run, especially if they are family or someone you work with. The way I look at this idea is that I remind myself that the other can't help the way they feel. I ask myself, Is it worth it to try to repair the relationship? In almost every case, it is. And while it often takes time to repair a relationship, the willingness to stay connected without blaming and to experience the other's reactivity without reacting gives you a chance.

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It's difficult work, but most often it's worth it. There's one final caveat here, and that is distinguishing between staying connected and enabling. Stout quotes Eero Wiseman, who writes, "Enabling can often be disguised as helping, but repeatedly rescuing someone from the consequences of their own behaviors perpetuates unhealthy behavior patterns. When you stop rescuing, you help them access their own inner strengths, helping them move toward realizing their own potential." Taking responsibility for trying to repair the relationship is different than continuing to enable dependent behavior. Knowing the difference is crucial. Like so many things with family systems, there's a sweet spot. We don't want to enable, we don't want to just give in and let their dependency hold us hostage. On the other hand, we don't want emotional cut off. The sweet spot is remaining a non anxious presence. It's staying connected without compromising your boundaries or arguing over them. It's showing you care without doing their work for them. The more dependent the other person is, the harder this will be and the longer it will take. What's important to remember here is that non anxious leaders are willing to do this work. We are willing to set boundaries so we can be our best selves.

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We're also willing to stay connected to others even when it's challenging. This is difficult work, but it gives us a chance to lead change that makes a difference. That's it for Episode 236. You can connect with me at thenonanxiousleaders.com, and you can email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. And please, if you found this episode helpful, share it with somebody you think might also benefit. Until next time, thanks and goodbye.