[00:00:01.570]
Welcome to Episode 233 of the Non Anxious Leader podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Today's episode comes from a sub stack article by Kathleen Smith. You've heard me reference her before. She is on the staff faculty of the Boeing Center for the Study of Family at Georgetown University. She has a sub stack that is called the Anxious Overachievement ver, which I love and I think is a great compliment to the Non Anxious Leader. This particular article is titled How We End Up Fixating on Others' Immaturity, and I will put a link in the show notes. Smith leads off by writing, "In anxious times, I get very focused on the immaturity of others. I study their behavioral patterns, quietly conducting a performance review on them. How are they not measuring up? What do they need to do to fix a problem? I have lots of ideas.

[00:01:33.660]
If I'm not careful, I might even complain to others about them. This can create a comfortable closeness, a triangle where I bond with others through our mutual frustration with another person's bad behavior." As you probably know, focusing on others helps us avoid taking responsibility for self. Smith notes that this helps us to feel calmer because the blame isn't on us and that we think we are helping the relationship system, but focusing on others is really about managing our own anxiety. When we are focused on others, we are focused on defining them, what's bad about them, what they are doing wrong, what they need to do to fix things, what they need to do to make amends, rather than focusing on defining self, rather than taking responsibility for who we are and how we can best function in the situation. Remember that self differentiation is the ability to claim your own goals and values in the midst of surrounding togetherness pressure. The claiming of our own goals and values is the self definition part, but oftentimes when things are going wrong in the system, we feel pressure to make things better, and that often puts our focus on another person instead of on ourselves.

[00:02:51.590]
And we know that the only functioning we can control is our own functioning. We can't control the functioning of another. In fact, the more that we try to do that, the more likely they are to push back. So what does it look like when we focus on the immaturity of others? What does it look like when we are defining others instead of trying to define ourselves and stay connected emotionally in healthy ways? One example that Smith gives that occurs when we are focused on the immaturity of others is defining your child's challenges but not your own as a parent. In other words, this is what they're facing, this is what they need to do, rather than saying, What do I need to do to be supportive of my child? or what can I do to give them the best chance of functioning at a high level? I think you can fill in the blanks as a leader as well and ask the question, how often am I defining those that I'm trying to lead rather than focusing on my own functioning, rather than taking responsibility for self? Another example that Smith gives is gossiping with coworkers about how your boss could be a better leader.

[00:04:04.180]
This clearly is a triangle where you are taking comfort in each other instead of focusing on your own functioning relative to your boss. Another example is focusing on how someone is running a meeting rather than taking responsibility for self, rather than thinking about how you can participate more effectively in the meeting yourself. Another example is one that made me chuckle. It's criticizing how your partner does chores. When I read this one, I chuckled because I realized there is a certain way I like the dishwasher to be loaded. It was only until recently that I would rearrange the dishwasher before actually starting it. But now I have gotten to the point where I'm okay with how it's loaded and I will deal with it when I unload it. Of course, another option would have been to say to my wife, Honey, I would like to dishwash her loaded this way because when I unload it, it makes it easier for me and here's how I would like to do it. Now, that doesn't mean that she would cooperate and if I'm really self differentiated, if it's really a request and not a demand, then how she responds is going to be okay with me.

[00:05:17.470]
At least I made the request. In the end, I just decided that it didn't really matter and that I needed to get over it and just let the dishwasher be loaded the way it's going to be loaded. I put things in a certain place and so does she. And although it looks like a hodgepodge to me, it all gets loaded. Now, in reality, this is just a little thing. It's not that big a deal, but it is a great example of how our first tendency is to focus on the functioning of others instead of taking responsibility for self. What Smith says is when we put the focus on others, we are at risk of over functioning. That's when I rearranged the dishes that have already been loaded, or under functioning, which would be perhaps being passive aggressive and deciding not to load the dishwasher at all because I'm protesting the way she's doing it. It certainly helps us to avoid not taking responsibility for our own functioning in the relationship system. As Smith notes, this is a way that we avoid managing our own anxiety. Instead, we push it on to others. It ends up meaning that we are always looking for a scapegoat instead of taking responsibility for self.

[00:06:34.320]
The question is, how do we avoid focusing on the functioning of others? This is where self regulation comes in because anytime we find ourselves feeling anxious and in response to that anxiety, we focus on the functioning of others, we want to pause, we want to self regulate, we want to keep our reptile brain from kicking in and causing us to try to find a scapegoat, causing us to try to find somebody to blame. Smith recommends that during this pause, we ask questions like, What's going on and how has this negative focus become a way of managing my own anxiety? How has this helped me to avoid taking responsibility for self? Along with that, what is my responsibility in the situation and what isn't? Where do I end and where does the other person begin? Then also how do I want to respond to the other's immaturity? What can I do to manage my own functioning and how do I want to respond? This is where that self awareness and intentionality become very important. Smith writes, "Focusing on yourself does not relieve anxiety in quite the same way that an intense focus on others does.

[00:07:53.710]
In fact, it's likely to increase it. But being more responsible for self is the best gift you can give to a family or an organization. It creates a flexible system, one that doesn't need someone to blame when faced with a challenge." This is the challenge with taking responsibility for self. It doesn't relieve our anxiety. In fact, it will tend to increase it at first. But if you work on it, if you get better at self regulating, asking yourself the questions, being more aware of self and being more intentional about taking responsibility for your own functioning, over time, it will actually reduce overall anxiety, not only in yourself, but also in the relationship system. The big point here is that non anxious leaders need to learn to manage their own anxiety. This is hard to do, but with self awareness, when you look inward first, and then intentionality, when you act with intention, you are able to do it. As Smith notes, this creates a flexible system. I would say that it creates a more resilient system because when the leader takes responsibility for self, it encourages others to do the same. It also encourages people to take appropriate risks because they are less likely to get blamed when things go wrong.

[00:09:19.730]
When I think of this, I think of Jim Collins and his idea of the window and the mirror, which I cover in detail in Episode 211. But the general idea here is that when things go well, the level five leader, the self differentiated leader, the Non Anxious Leader looks out the window to give credit to others. When things go wrong, the level five leader looks in the mirror, takes responsibility, owns it, and says, This is where the buck stops. It's this taking responsibility for self that as a leader helps you to avoid focusing on the functioning of others. Sure, you need to see how others are functioning, but you don't look to them to avoid taking responsibility as a leader. This is what non anxious leaders do. That's it for Episode 233. A little bit shorter than usual, but hopefully you will find it helpful. I certainly found the article by Smith helpful and wanted to unpack it for you. You can find more resources at thenonanxiousleader.com. You can find the show notes and the transcript at the thenonanxiousleader.com/233 and you can connect with me by sending an email to jack@christian-leaders.com. Until next time, thanks and goodbye. Thank you for listening. If you found this episode helpful, there are two things you can do to help others find this podcast. First, tap the subscribe button on your podcast app. And second, leave a review. I appreciate your help. Finally, you can find more resources as well as subscribe to my blog at thenonanxiousleader.com. Now go be yourself.