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Welcome to Episode 232 of The Nonanxious Leader podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Today's episode comes from an email newsletter I received from Dr. Allison Cook. Dr. Cook does specialize in helping one become their best self. She doesn't mention family systems specifically very often, but I find that her material is definitely compatible with family systems theory. I should also note that even though Cook's material is intended for women, I find that it is helpful for anyone who wants to grow as a self differentiated person, as a non anxious leader. The title of the article in the newsletter is, Are You Supposed to distrust yourself? Unfortunately, because this article came in an email newsletter and is not available on her website, I can't give you a link to the article itself. I can give you a link in the show notes to her website if you want to follow her. To me, the question, Are you supposed to distrust yourself? Is a rhetorical question and it indicates that many of us often don't trust our own judgment. Oftentimes, we are second guessing ourselves. How often do you distrust yourself when you are trying to make a big decision when you feel like the stakes are high?

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How about when you think you need to set an appropriate boundary in a relationship or in a work setting. And anytime I think that we distrust ourselves, there could be surrounding togetherness pressure at work. We are feeling the pressure to conform to somebody else's norms, whether that's an individual or the relationship system itself. That's why when I read Cook's article, it made me think that when we learn to self differentiate, when we are able to grow as a differentiated person, we actually grow in confidence and learn to trust ourselves more. It doesn't mean that we believe we're right all the time. It just means that we have a greater sense of self, and that enables us to be more confident and to trust ourselves. Remember that the definition of self differentiation is the ability to claim one's own goals and values in the midst of surrounding togetherness pressures. An essential element of self differentiation is self definition. It's knowing who you are, what your goals and values are, what you are about, where you think God is leading you. And then you are able to express this in healthy ways in the midst of surrounding togetherness pressure, in the midst of those pressures to conform to the norms of others.

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Cook notes that when we don't trust ourselves, we defer to others such as a parent or a spouse or a friend or a pastor. This is not self definition when we are asking others to decide for us. This is different than asking the advice of others. It's always good to hear what others have to say, but ultimately we have to make our own decision. But when we defer to others, that's the key word here. We are actually letting them make the decision for us. Cook writes, "Think of it this way. A good parent wants their child to learn how to trust that they have what it takes to handle challenging situations. You want your child to learn to be wise about how they choose friends, how they use their talent, or how they navigate hard things. You equip them to be wise. You empower them. Often, we are afraid to believe that God is entrusting key decisions and relationships to us, but like a good parent, God wants us to find our way." Cook emphasizes something that I believe is really important, and I think I emphasize as well, which is this is about you and God and being prayerful and discerning where it is God wants you to go in any situation.

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In secular terms, self definition means that we are on our own to decide, but I believe as a person of faith, self definition means that we are seeking to follow where God is leading us. Based on this, what does it mean to trust yourself? According to Cook, trusting yourself means becoming aware of your needs and how to meet them. This is definitely self definition, but it's a focus here on your needs which are related to your goals and values but tend to be more specific in the moment. This is especially true when we're feeling tired or frustrated or having a difficult time with something and being in touch with what's going on. But it's also true when there are things that we feel like we need in a positive way, like I need to get out and exercise, or I need to take a break, or I need to learn something here so I can feel more capable. This reminds me of Episode 230 where Mary Ann Van Dyke has a formula for saying no, which is actually turning it into a positive. I prefer to blank, I prefer to do something else because I have a need for blank.

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What Cook is saying is compatible with this because when you understand what your needs are and how to meet them, then you can say that in a healthy way. That's what it means to self differentiate. Cook also notes that trusting yourself is taking responsibility for your decisions. If you have listened to this podcast for any amount of time, you know that I really believe that a big part of self differentiation is taking responsibility for self. It doesn't mean that we're always right. It doesn't mean that we always know the right thing. But it also means that when we make a decision, we take responsibility for it, we own it. Related to this is standing up for your conviction. When you take responsibility for self, when you know what your needs are and how to meet them, then you are able to stand up and say, This is what I need. This is what I believe. And remember, you can always say, You don't have to agree with me, or I might be wrong, or both. The important part is you are expressing your convictions. Similar to this is honoring your boundaries in challenging situations. The way I like to think about this is that standing up for your convictions is moving forward.

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It's being able to say what you believe, whereas honoring your boundaries is holding your ground. It's being able to make sure that you are able to do what you need to do when others might want to intrude on your boundaries. In either case, this is difficult to do if you don't trust yourself and growing as a differentiated person, being able to manage our own anxiety, being able to say what we believe in healthy ways, develops a healthy feedback loop. It enables us to stand up for ourselves, to set boundaries, to self differentiate. And we find that the more that we do this, the less awful are the responses. I believe one of the reasons we second guess ourselves is because we think the response is going to be awful. There's going to be a lot of anxiety and tension and defensiveness and argumentativeness. But what I found is that most of the time I exaggerate this. When I actually follow through and self differentiate, it's usually not as bad as I anticipated. Sometimes it is bad, but most of the time it's not nearly as bad as I would have thought. Finally, Cook notes that trusting yourself is building a support network that understands you.

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I think this is really important because self differentiation is not being a lone ranger. It's not doing it all on your own. An important part of leadership through self differentiation is emotional connection. It's staying connected to others. Emotional connection in healthy ways is life giving, staying connected to people who get you not only is life giving, but in certain cases, it will help you to realize that you're not crazy, that what you're going through is real. One of the programs that I'm involved with leading is a program for clergy renewal. P art of the program is that they meet monthly in coh. T ime and time again, people say this is life giving to be around people who really understand you. I found that in just about any profession, most people don't understand what you're going through, and it's only people who do similar work who really get you. And I think in a professional sense, if you are able to build a support network of people who also understand what you're going through, it's going to be helpful. And likewise, on a personal basis, if you are able to be vulnerable with even a small number of people, then you will have a support network that gets you and will help you to navigate life's challenges so you can grow as a self differentiated person.

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So if that's what trusting yourself looks like, according to Cook, what does not trusting yourself look like? Trusting yourself is not you doing you, regardless of the cost. Self differentiation is not selfishness. It is not ignoring those you care about and it is not ignoring the consequences. Likewise, trusting yourself doesn't mean you don't care what others think. Caring about others is a part of emotional connection. So caring what they think is important. That doesn't mean you have to agree with them. It doesn't mean you have to do what they want you to do. But it does mean you need to show that you care what they think, even if you decide to do something otherwise. Cook also notes that trusting yourself is not turning your back on God. And as I've mentioned before, I think it's the exact opposite. It is trying to discern where God is leading. And then finally, trusting yourself doesn't mean that you're never going to get help or advice, or that you're placing ultimate trust in yourself. There's a balance between knowing who we are and what we're about, but also knowing that sometimes we need help, sometimes we need advice, sometimes we need to seek the guidance of others, even when we know that the decision is ultimately our own, that we have to take responsibility for self.

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And we don't want to place ultimate trust in ourselves because we're focused on God. We want God to help lead us, and we also want the wisdom of others. This is very similar to what healthy leadership does. Healthy leadership gets the opinions of as many people as possible, even when they don't agree with what the leader thinks. Healthy leaders engage in passionate discussion and debate over what is the best way to go. And then ultimately, the leader makes the decision. I want to note here, too, that trusting yourself doesn't mean when you make that decision that you won't feel a certain amount of doubt. If we knew with certainty the outcome of every decision that we made, that wouldn't be faith, and actually life wouldn't be very interesting. For me, the big takeaway here is you cannot self differentiate without trusting yourself. And the more you trust yourself, the more you will be able to self differentiate. I believe it's like exercise. It takes consistent effort. It doesn't have to be big effort, but just consistent effort and you will gain in capacity to be a non anxious leader. That's it for Episode 232. If you're new to this podcast, you can go to the website thenonanxiousleader.com/podcast

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and you can see the top 10 episodes based on listener feedback. You can also sign up for my Two For Tuesday email, which gives recommendations on how to grow as a nonanxious leader. And as always, if you have found this episode helpful, please share it with a friend. And if you can, please go on your favorite podcast app and leave a review. It helps other people find this podcast. Until next time, thanks and goodbye.

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