[00:00:31.980]
Welcome to Episode 228 of the Non Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Today's episode comes from a video I watched from the Family Matters video series at the Bowen Center for the Study of Family. While most of the videos in the series are related to the family of origin, this one caught my attention because it is entitled the emotionally mature organization. In this episode, Dr. Mariana Martinez interviews Stanley Prophet, who is an executive coach, and both Martinez and Prophet are connected to the Bowen Center. I will put a link to the video in the show notes. In the video, Prophet compares higher functioning or emotionally mature organizations with higher functioning families. He says that emotionally mature organizations are better able to assess the threats to the organization, are quicker to respond and have more adaptive and resilient responses. This is no surprise, I think. So how do we actually create a culture where we have an emotionally mature organization? That's what this episode is about. To answer that question, we have to start with the concept of taking responsibility for self. All of these things that you can do as a nonanxious leader to create a culture of healthy functioning, of mature people, of people who are able to be a non anxious presence all fall under the category of taking responsibility for self as a leader.

[00:02:11.530]
The first step you can take to create this culture is to create healthy emotional space. In the video, Prophet gives the example of a leader who is dealing somebody who is chronically late with their assignments, and the leader has told Prophet that they have to remind them continually. Three days out, then one day out, then the day of, and it creates anxiety in them and presumably in the person who has to fulfill the assignment. What I immediately thought of is that when the leader is doing this, this is over functioning. This is taking too much responsibility for the other person's fulfillment of the assignment. My own assessment is that this type of over functioning feels like nagging and it vaporizes healthy emotional space. Prophet notes that as an executive coach, he often finds leaders who are over functioning, who are doing work for other people or solving their problems or not letting them do their work on their own, not giving them autonomy. Usually, the leader ultimately gets frustrated and will reach out to profit the executive coach to get the team to be more accountable. In contrast, profit notes a higher functioning leader will ask, How do I contribute to the lack of accountability?

[00:03:31.490]
How can I take responsibility for myself? How can I modify my own functioning to increase the likelihood that people will succeed? In the example that Prophet gave, he advised the leader to say, I noticed that I've been reminding you every time something is due, that I get anxious, that I'm not going to get it, and I'm putting my anxiety on you when it's really on me. I'm letting you know that I'm not going to be reminding you anymore. When you have something due, I'm expecting it and I'll be looking for it at the due date. Of course, it's then incumbent upon the leader to manage their own anxiety so that they are actually allowing the person to do the work without letting them know about the upcoming due date, to let them have the emotional space to take responsibility for themselves. Prophet doesn't note this, but I would say from family systems theory, we should also expect that there might be some sabotage that the first time or two or more that the direct report may not actually be able to fulfill it. They might actually test the leader to see if they are going to actually stick with their word.

[00:04:47.350]
At that point, the leader needs to be able to set a boundary in a non anxious way. In that case, a response such as, I've been giving you a chance to do these reports on time and yet I'm not getting them, and so I'm thinking I may not be able to give you as much responsibility in the future. It's possible that the person would like not having as much responsibility, but there's also an implication that this is going to affect their impact in the organization, their reviews because they're not as much of a contributing employee, and it's much better than saying, If you don't do this, this is going to impact your reviews. It might get to that at some point, but it still is more about defining self and saying, This is what I feel I'm going to have to do if you're not going to live up to your end of the bargain. Remember that creating healthy emotional space is all about defining self, taking responsibility for self, and then letting the other either come through or not. The second step you can take to create a non anxious culture is to avoid the blame game.

[00:05:59.370]
When things don't go well, a non anxious leader doesn't look for other people to blame either inside the organization or outside the organization. Instead, the non anxious leader will look at self and say, What did I do to contribute to this? Or, How can I change my functioning to get a better result the next time? This reminds me of Jim Collins' concept of the window and the mirror for a level 5 leader. When things are going well, a level 5 leader looks out the window, actually compliments everybody else, and even sometimes attributes things to luck, but doesn't take credit. And then when things don't go well, the level 5 leader looks in the mirror and says, How can I own this? How can I take responsibility for this? One reason this is important is that when people are operating out of a fear that they will be blamed when things go on, then they'll stop pointing things out. They will be afraid to speak up, and that is damaging to the system, to the organization. On the other hand, when the leader does this, others in the organization will follow suit. When the leader starts taking responsibility for self, then others will do the same, and that creates a healthy culture where people are more concerned about their own functioning, not blaming others, and it clears their minds to be able to address challenges in a way that they can most effectively respond.

[00:07:23.720]
Profit makes an important point that I'd like to emphasize too, which is that anybody in an organization can function as a non anxious presence. Anybody can take responsibility for self and work on their own functioning, and it will change the organization. To the extent that the organization is stuck and to the extent that the person who is changing their function is not as high up in the organization, it may take longer. And that is the point is that if you are the leader in an organization, if you can function in this way, if you can function as a non anxious leader, it will have a direct impact on the culture of the system that you are leading, and it will happen more quickly than you would think. The third step you can take to create a non anxious culture is to focus on self awareness. And you know, if you've been listening to this podcast for any amount of time, that I think self awareness is really a key because what it helps you to do is it helps you to understand your automatic tendencies. It helps you to understand how you get reactive and how you respond automatically without thinking, whether it's through over functioning, getting defensive, engaging in a conflict of wills, giving in without taking a stand, getting anxious about others and taking it out on them.

[00:08:45.070]
There are many, many ways that we can react automatically. It's all dependent on who we are and how we function in our own families of origin and other relationship systems. But understanding our automatic responses will enable us to better manage ourselves. And that leads to the fourth step, which is self regulate to manage system anxiety. Once you are aware of your automatic tendencies, you have a much better chance of regulating them so that you don't actually respond automatically in anxious situations. This is the epitome of presenting yourself as a non anxious presence. And it was nice to hear Prophet mention that you will feel anxious inside because I know that to be the case. It's not that we are not anxious inside, but that we are able to regulate our own anxiety so we can be a calming presence, so we can be a non anxious presence. The way Prophet puts it is, if the leader can self regulate, they're able to say what they need to say like it's no big deal. That reminded me of a recent phone conversation I had this week where I had to break some bad news to somebody, some news that would actually affect someone adversely.

[00:10:02.190]
And after I got off the phone, my wife, who had been listening to the conversation, said something like, Well, that was to the point, or, You acted like that was no big deal. And of course, it was a big deal. And it did impact the other. And it wasn't that I didn't care, but I also knew that being matter of fact was actually the better way to reduce the anxiety for both of us in that conversation. And it gave the other person a chance to think more clearly. And we thought through how we were going to work through it together, how we were going to proceed, what was going to be the next step that we would take that would be most helpful. It's important to note that we don't know how the other person is going to respond. I had a similar conversation about a month ago. I was delivering some bad news. The content was different, but the emotional process was very similar. I was matter of fact about it. I was direct and the other person got upset. Then I had to try to find a place where I could let them know that I cared about them.

[00:11:04.450]
I said, I'm sorry, acting like something is no big deal. Being a non anxious presence doesn't mean that we don't care. What we're doing is we're regulating our own anxiety. We're trying to create healthy emotional space. And if we need to move closer to foster emotional connection, then we need to do that. This is where that social awareness of emotional intelligence, where we're actually able to understand what's going on in the interaction helps us to then figure out whether we need to move towards emotional connection, or we need to take a healthy stand, or we need to do something else to create more emotional space. This goes back to the idea of reflection and preparation. So after things happen, when you are able to reflect on them, you're able to process what went on and figure out how you might do better the next time, or if things went well, what made it possible for you to function in that way? When you do that reflection, it enables you to prepare better for situations where you know there's going to be anxiety, either from you, from the other, others in the relationship system, or everyone involved.

[00:12:18.600]
Every time I know I'm going to have conversations like this, I think through what I want to say. I think through what does it mean to take responsibility for self? What does it mean to define myself and not the other? What can I do to create healthy emotional space? What can I do to remain connected but allow the other to take responsibility for self? These are all things that we can do in advance that we can prepare, and it will give us a better chance of being a non anxious leader. That's it for Episode 228. I'll be back again next week with another new episode. If you would do me a favor and share this episode with somebody that you think will find it helpful, I would appreciate it. Remember, you can connect with me at thenonanxiousleader.com or email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. Until next time, thanks and goodbye.