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Welcome to Episode 225 of the Non Anxious Leader podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Today's episode comes from an article in Inc. Magazine, Three Ways to Say No Without Feeling like a Jerk backed by interpersonal relationship science by Jeff Hayden. The article leads off with a quote by Warren Buffett, "The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything." There is certainly a truth in this in that people who achieve something that's really impactful have to focus on it. And that means that they cannot, they will not say yes to many things. They will create boundaries so they can focus on what's really important to them. There's also a quote in there from Steve Jobs, who said, "People think focus means saying yes to the things you've got to focus on. But that's not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas there are." Both quotes underscore the point that if you want to make a difference in the world, you have to be willing to say no to some good things.

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You have to be willing to say no to request that you might want to fulfill, and that's difficult. That means it takes being able to self-differentiate. It takes being able to say no because you are trying to stay in line with your goals and values. Remember that self-differentiation is the ability to express your goals and values in healthy ways in the midst of surrounding togetherness pressure. And it is that surrounding togetherness pressure that makes it difficult often to say no, even when we feel like it's not in line with what we really want to do. It's important to note that sometimes surrounding togetherness pressure is perceived. It may not even be there, but we're feeling it inside. I shared this story before, but I think it's worth sharing again when the two annual conferences that I serve of the United Methodist Church came together as an affiliation under one bishop, I took on the role as the director of the Center for Vital Leadership for the two annual conferences. My working relationship was primarily with the director of Connectional Ministries, who is the chief program officer of one of the annual conferences.

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She called me because it was early on in the affiliation and the bishop was doing a series of seven town halls across both the annual conferences. The director of Connectional Ministries at DCM called me and asked me if I was going to be at the town hall. He said, Bishop wants to know if you're going to be at the town halls. I started feeling anxious because I had not scheduled to be at any of the town halls, and I was feeling this pressure that, Oh, if I'm going to be a good team player, I need to be at these town halls. Fortunately, I was able to regulate so that I did not answer right away, Yes, I'll be there, because that would have been my automatic reaction. But I thought about it, and I finally was able to say, If Bishop wants me to be there, I will be there. But I had not planned on attending because I planned to work on other things. The DCM replied immediately, Oh, okay. Bishop just wanted to know. Now in this case, I didn't express a no. I didn't just say no, but I did express my preference.

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I was able to self define while staying connected. And as you can see, the pressure was really internal. It was what I was feeling to comply. It wasn't that there was pressure to do something. The article notes that it's hard to say no because we want to be liked and we're afraid that people are going to think less of us if we say no, especially those who are close to us, those we have working relationships with. When we have feelings like that, we're creating our own surrounding togetherness pressure, even when it might not be there. So what are the strategies for saying no? The first one is an odd one, but I want to share it with you just because I think it's important to understand the research and the reasoning behind it. The first one is called the money response, and it notes that when we say we don't have time, the impact is nearly two times as negative as when we say we don't have the money. Saying we don't have time reduces trust and feelings of closeness because people believe that we have more control over our time than our money. As the article writes, "In simple terms, if I wanted, I could make time for you.

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But if I don't have the money, I don't have the money." The bottom line here is that people cut us more slack when we say we can't afford it than if we say we don't have the time because they think that when we say we don't have the time, we're not willing to make the time. The article notes that there's an added bonus of using this approach, and that is when we say that we don't have the money, it makes us vulnerable, which actually fosters closer bonds with the other person. I think it's important to note that we don't want to lie. We don't want to use the is this to manipulate a situation because if we do have the money, but we say we don't have the money, then we're being disingenuous. We're not really acting in line with our goals and values if one of our values is to be honest. So if you do have the money and you want to use an approach like this, my suggestion would be to say, I don't want to spend the money, which leads to the second type of response. That is the I don't response.

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The article notes that researchers created two groups that were exposed to a simple temptation. One group was told to say, I can't do that, and the other was told to say, I don't do that. The results were significant. Those who were told to say, I can't do ent, actually gave into the temptation 61 % of the time, whereas those who were told to say, I don't, only gave in 36 % of the time. In a follow up study, participants were told to set a long term personal health and wellness goal. When their motivation waned, they were broken up into one of three groups. One group was told to say, I can't miss my workout. A second group was told to say, I don't miss workouts. A third group wasn't given any temptation avoidance strategy. Again, the results were significant. Three out of 10 of the control group members stuck to their goal, and only one out of 10 of the I can't group members stuck to their goal, whereas eight out of 10 in the I don't group stuck to their goal. What's stunning about this is that the I can't group actually did worse than a group that didn't have any strategy at all.

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And what I think I can't is, is I can't is a form of helplessness. I can't is not taking responsibility for self, whereas I don't is taking full responsibility for self. This is what I don't do. This is what I will do. The article notes, "How many times have you said, I can't, only to end up doing what you said you couldn't do? If you're like me, often, because when people who want something here, I can't, they automatically think, Okay, but under what circumstances can you do what I asked? Most people hear I can't, is something they can find ways to get around. Shoot, most of the time when we say I can't to ourselves, we immediately start thinking of ways to get around it. That's why so few people achieve their personal and professional goals." I don't is all about self-definition and taking responsibility for self, and I am very good at this with myself. I'm very good at saying I don't miss workouts or I don't miss my prayer time. I'm not as good with other people, so I have an approach that tends to soften it a little bit. That is to state my preference.

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Very similar to the story I told about the bishop. I've been asked to give the laity address at this year's annual conference for the Baltimore Washington Conference. The lay leader emailed me to set up a meeting to discuss it. I use a calendar scheduling link and I sent her the link so that she could schedule the time that we can meet. I only make myself available on Monday through Friday afternoons. She emailed back and said, Can we meet sometime on a Saturday? I responded that I would meet on a Saturday if that's the only time that she could meet, but I prefer to not do weekend meetings so I can spend time with my family. She graciously agreed to find a time to meet during the week. So that was a softer version of I don't do weekend meetings because sometimes I do do weekend meetings, but I don't want to do weekend meetings. That's the bottom line. So I think the important part of this is being able to self define and know what you are willing and not willing to do and then express that in a healthy way that stays emotionally connected.

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The third approach is what is called the partial favor. Instead of focusing on the fact that you can't do it, that you don't want to do it, focus on what you can do. This is especially important when you're asked to do a big favor that's not in line with your goals and values. You can say things like, I'm not available, but I can put you in touch with someone who might, or I won't be at the meeting, but I can write up my thoughts, or I don't know, but here are some potential resources that might help you find out. The important thing here is that what this does is this helps to foster emotional connection. It shows that you're willing to help a little bit, but maybe not as much as they want. And that is okay, because what it is saying to them is, I care about you, but these are the things that I'm willing or not willing to do. And I will say that self-differentiation is definitely not being a jerk. It's not being selfish. It's not always saying, This is what I'm going to do and who cares about you.

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That emotional connection part that's showing that you care about other people does mean that you have to be subtle and nuanced in terms of how you set boundaries. But if you can do it, you're going to be able to focus on the things that make the biggest difference and the biggest impact for the things that matter most to you. That's it for Episode 225. You can connect with me at thenonanxiousleader.com, and you can email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. I'd love to hear your ideas for future episodes or questions you might have that might be the basis for a future episode. Until next time, thanks and goodbye.

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