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Welcome to Episode 224 of the Non Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Before we get into today's episode, I want to go back to last week's episode. I got an email from a friend and colleague, Todd Bartlett, who has taught me a lot about nonviolent communication or compassionate communication as developed by Marshall Rosenberg. One of the things that is taught in MVC is that you learn to identify the observations, what's going on, then what are the feelings involved with that, and what are the unmet needs that you need to make, and then you make a request. And when you make a request, you do so without demanding that the other person comply. In other words, what Rosenberg says is it's not a request if you get upset when they say no. And this is where I think it really merges well with self differentiation.

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If you are making a request, you are defining yourself. If somebody else says no, then they're defining themselves. And if you are self differentiated, you're okay with that. You're able to allow another person to make their own choice. However, if you're making a demand, you might get upset with that, and that is not a request. So that's background because Todd emailed me and he was saying that one of the first examples that was used in the episode wasn't really a request. It was when I was talking about the first way to be a non anxious presence, which is prefacing. I was sighting Bill Murphy Jr, the author of the article that I was using for the podcast episode, who was saying that sometimes you need to be direct. And the example that he used in the article was, I need you to show more interest at work. And what Todd rightly pointed out to me was that's not really a request. Rather, it's a strategy to meet the need. In other words, you're asking the other person to meet your need by telling them what to do, which in this case is taking more interest in work.

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So my take on that is that that type of statement isn't really expressing a need at all. It's just making a demand. I think the one thing I learned from this is that a non anxious presence is more often going to use a subtle approach, which is more often going to result in making a request, not a demand. Thanks to Todd for reaching out to me and clarifying this. I hope I got it right. If not, let me know. A lso, this is encouraging you when you hear something that you're not sure about or you want more information on or you think it's not right, send me an email at jack@christian-leaders.com. Now, without further ado, here is Episode 224, How to Rework a Difficult Relationship. One of the most important things you can do to grow as a nonanxious leader is to rework difficult relationships in your family of origin as well as in a congregational or work system. Of course, the key to this is the ability to be a non anxious presence, but it involves setting healthy boundaries. Sometimes this means learning how to remain connected without arguing and without agreeing, and other times it means being able to take a non anxious stand.

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The information from this podcast comes from a New York Times article, How to Set Boundaries with a Difficult Family Member by Catherine Pierson. I'll put a link in the show notes, but as you may know, the New York Times has a paywall, so I'm not sure you will be able to access it, but I'll put a link anyway. Pierson references the research of Nedra Glover Tawwab, who has written two books, Set Boundaries, Fine Peace, a Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, and drama Free, a Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships. According to the article, there are five things you can do to set boundaries with a difficult family member, but I'm going to interpret them in family systems terms in terms of reworking a relationship with anyone, whether it is in your family of origin, congregation, or work system. The first thing you can do to rework a difficult relationship is to decide what a successful relationship would look like to you. Self differentiation is the ability to express your own goals and values in a healthy way in the midst of surrounding togetherness pressure. Deciding what a successful relationship looks like to you is about self definition.

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It's about understanding what you want out of a relationship. It's about knowing your own goals and values. It's important to remember that you might not get to a successful relationship, but you have to start by knowing what it looks like. You have to know what your goals and values are in this particular relationship so you have a chance to get there. This means taking time to reflect on what's important to you so it can guide you to exercise integrity in the moment of choice when you are with this difficult person. The second thing you can do to rework a difficult relationship is to ask yourself, what can I control? You've heard this before, but it bears repeating, you cannot change other people. You can only change yourself. This is about taking responsibility for self and knowing that nothing will change unless you change how you function in the relationship system and with this difficult person. To add recommends asking, if the other person doesn't change at all, what could I do to make the relationship different and then to write it down in a list? Think about the issues in the relationship and then think about what parts of those issues you can change.

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What parts of those things are you able to control and what parts aren't your stuff? This has to do with thinking through how you normally respond to difficult interactions and then determine what you can do differently. If you normally react by getting defensive and aggressive, how can you self regulate to remain a non anxious presence? If you normally adapt, if you normally automatically give in, what can you do to self regulate so you don't do that? And then how can you self define in a healthy way? You can only change yourself and not others. You can only define yourself and not others. Sometimes this does involve setting boundaries, such as saying no when another gets abusive, saying, I'm not going to have this discussion with you right now until I'm treated with respect. That's setting a boundary that's changing how you function. It may not change how the other functions, but it sets a boundary by saying, I'm not going to put up with this anymore. Another coping strategy that is recommended is to not answer calls and texts until you're ready to respond. In other words, you can let things go to voicemail, or you can read a text without responding and then think through how you want to respond, how you want to self define while remaining connected.

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In each of these strategies, reflection, self awareness, and preparation are important. I say this over and over, but self differentiation doesn't happen automatically. That's why it's so challenging. But if you can think things through and then prepare yourself, you have a better chance of being a non anxious presence. This leads to the third thing you can do to rework a difficult relationship, which is to increase your tolerance for difficult conversations. This is not only about preparation, it's about increasing your pain tolerance. To the extent that you can reduce the need to fix things, whether it has to do with your pain or the pain of another, you will be better able to handle difficult conversations. The fourth thing you can do to rework a difficult relationship is to know that the family member will likely take it personally. Tawwab notes that in dysfunctional families, change is almost always seen as rejection. And she writes in her book that boundaries and unhealthy families are a threat to the system of dysfunction. All change is loss. When you start to change how you function, there is going to be grief in the family. It's going to make people uncomfortable.

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Healthy families understand that all change is loss and they lean into working through their discomfort. Unhealthy families avoid taking responsibility for self and they blame others. This is how emotional triangles occur. This is also how sabotage occurs. Tawwab notes that anticipating this will reduce the chances that you will get hurt. In other words, knowing that other people will be upset will enable you to take it less personally. Much of it leads to greater self differentiation is understanding where you end and the other begins. It's understanding that other people's behavior is often not about you, but about what they are experiencing inside. The fifth thing that you can do to rework a difficult relationship is to find a healthy distance. The article notes, "Ms. Tawwab said she was struck by the number of people she encounters who overlooked the strategic power of distance and its importance in preserving certain bonds while still establishing a healthier dynamic." She notes that this is not the same as ignoring people. I would say this is about creating healthy emotional space. Oftentimes reactivity occurs because people are too close, they're too intensely connected. Healthy emotional space creates enough distance that two people can separate, but not so much distance that they are cut off emotionally.

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And while physical distance can't cure the issues with emotional distance, there are some ways that it can be helpful. One example that is given is staying in a hotel during holidays instead of with the family. That does create some physical distance because you're not in each other's face all the time. You're not in each other's space all the time. But it also creates some emotional distance because you're not having to deal with each other all the time. In doing this, you are reducing the number of emotional interactions that have to take place. This won't necessarily change the nature of the relationship, but I would say just the very fact of saying, I'm going to stay in a hotel this time is the big step. It's saying we don't have to be so close together all the time. We can have some distance, both physical and emotional. Remember, there is a sweet spot for emotional space. If you're too close, you're going to be in each other's space all the time, emotionally, which can lead to either reactivity or adaptivity. And of course, the other end of the spectrum is emotional cut off where there is no connection at all.

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So the idea is you want to be connected to others, but you want to give each enough space to be themselves. I believe the hardest part of these suggestions is if you want to rework the relationship, you have to change how you function. You are going to be the one to have to do something. And as is noted, people are going to get upset. But if you can remain a non anxious presence, the system will start to change. The relationship will start to change. But you need to be able to do that through the anxiety, through the upset, through the sabotage that will try to bring things back to the way they were before. The good news is I have seen all different kinds of people do this in their families of origin and in their congregation and work systems. And it does work. It does change things, and it helps you to grow as a non anxious leader. That's it for Episode 224. You can connect with me at thenonanxiousleader.com. If you would share this with somebody that you think will find it helpful, I would appreciate it. If you would take time to leave a review on your podcast platform, that would be great.

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Until next time, thanks and goodbye.