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Welcome to Episode 222 of the Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Today's episode comes from an article by Dr. Kathleen Smith, The Circle of Y. Dr. Smith is on the faculty of the Bowen Center for the Study of the Family at Georgetown University, and she has a newsletter on substack called the Anxious Over Achiever. I love that title because it very much is like the non anxious leader. Trying to lead, trying to achieve while being a non anxious presence is the challenge that we face. I will post a link to the article, The Circle of Y from Substack. And in that there's a graphic at the very beginning with five circles that are in a pattern of a circle. Each one of those circles leads to the other. So at the top you have you feel uncertain. So this is when you are feeling uncertain, you are feeling anxious, and you try to deal with that discomfort.

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The second circle is you anxiously monitor another. In other words, instead of taking responsibility for self, you focus on another and you anxiously monitor their functioning, which leads to the third circle, which is you demand that they change. In other words, instead of defining self, you define the other. You demand that they do something. And this is a dependency, right? Because you are asking them to do something to take care of your own discomfort, your own needs. The fourth circle is that they anxiously give in. They adapt, they are adaptive. And I guess the fourth circle could also be reactivity. They could argue or they could get defensive. But in this case, they anxiously give in. And then the fifth circle is you doubt their sincerity because you've demanded that they give in and they do give in. And so you're thinking they're just giving in to please you, which makes you feel uncertain. So this is the circle of anxiety. It's definitely worth checking out the graphic. And the idea here is instead of focusing on emotional process, we tend to focus on content. We tend to take our anxiety and channel it into something that is content related.

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So in this case, it's focusing on the functioning of the other rather than dealing with our own discomfort, rather than dealing with our own anxiety. And that is absolutely a triangle, right? We're uncomfortable with something. Who knows what it is. This is process, not content, but we are uncomfortable with something. We're uncertain. And so then we focus on the other and start looking at their functioning and make that the focus of our attention. We are using that to stabilize our own discomfort. The irony is that the more we focus on that, the more the other will either push back or will distance. In either case, it will make you feel more anxious. The real question from an emotional process standpoint is, what made you anxious in the first place and how can you take responsibility for it rather than focusing on the function of another? The way Smith asks this question is when your anxiety goes up, how do you try to get comfortable? What she is implying here is that when we are dealing with uncertainty, our own anxiety, that there is usually a triangle, over functioning, as in this case, or blaming, or creating surrounding togetherness pressure where we are requiring others to comply with our demands.

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Smith gives some other examples where we focus on the content and not the process. One is, did I make the right decision? So instead of focusing on how I make decisions or how I actually borrow advice from others or whether I procrastinate or whether I actually sit down and define my own thinking, my own goals and values, I focus on whether or not I was right or wrong, whether I made the right decision. When you, as a leader, make decisions, uncertainty is natural. The question is, how do you deal with it? Do you blame others or do you blame yourself or do you avoid it altogether? Do you avoid taking responsibility altogether and just say, Well, it was dumb luck or we couldn't help it. But we can think about what is making us anxious and unpack it. And that's when we are focusing on process instead of the content of the decision. Another example Smith gives is, Why can't they be nicer when they come home? So that's the content of this situation. They're coming home, they're in a bad mood, and process oriented questions would ask, How do I manage myself when my partner comes through the door?

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How am I taking responsibility for myself? A question that Smith asks, which I love is, how do we end up becoming allergic to each other? In other words, how does their emotions trigger my own emotions and trigger this reactivity that often happens between partners? That's an emotional process question. Another great question that Smith asks is, When do I assume that their bad mood has something to do with me? From an emotional process standpoint and family systems theory, when we react to something, we need to ask the question, what is going on inside of me that I react in this way? Then a final question final question that Smith asks, which I think is great is, how can I get comfortable with the reality that sometimes we will be in different moods? In other words, how do I learn to tolerate a certain amount of anxiety because this is just the way things are. And the more anxious I get, the worse things are going to get. And the more I'm able to tolerate it without getting into the content, the more likely that things will calm down. I think a good way to look at this is that more often than not, somebody else's bad mood has nothing to do with us, but if we engage in the content, then it will become about us.

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Then a third example that Smith gives is asking the question, Why can't this guy run a more efficient meeting? The content of the situation is the functioning of the guy running the meeting. A process question that she asks is, how is everyone else responding to the leader's behaviors? In other words, what is going on? Are other people dealing with it okay? Why can't I deal with it? How do I react when I get frustrated in a meeting? When has the organization been able to run more flexibly and efficiently? And what was happening when that happened? In other words, looking at the process of the relationship system and understanding that this guy's functioning is this guy's functioning, how are we going to respond in a more healthy way? So when we are focused on content, we tend to focus on judging others rather than taking responsibility for self. When we focus on emotional process, we are looking at the relationship system to try to see what's going on and how we might function and take responsibility for self in a way that helps the system move forward. The question is, if focusing on content makes it more difficult to take responsibility for self and be a non anxious leader, what can we do about it?

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The first thing that we can do to try to focus on emotional process instead of the content is to try to see the reciprocity that is the back and forth between actions. So how is someone's mood affecting me and how do I respond anxiously or how can I respond non anxiously? When we are able to observe emotional process, we realize that we do not function in a vacuum, that people's responses, people's emotions influence us. And unless we are self aware and intentional, we are going to respond automatically. And that's typically to engage with content and not process. So reciprocity is this idea that we have to be aware of how what other people do affects us so that we can respond as a non anxious presence. The second thing you can do to focus on emotional process and not content is to see the impact of anxiety on one's thoughts and actions. Now, this is not only for yourself, but also for the other. See if you can notice how anxiety influences your own thoughts and actions, but also how it influences others thoughts and actions. When you do the former, when you are aware of how anxiety influences your own thoughts and actions, you are going to be more likely to take responsibility for self.

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When you see it in others, it will actually help you lead to the third thing that you can do, which is to realize that people's reactions are an attempt to get comfortable. Remember, people's reactions are an attempt to deal with their own anxiety, and they're less about you. It's more about the emotional process, not what the content is. It's not about us, but how others deal with their own anxiety. And this will make us less anxious, less judgmental, and more compassionate. This is all about self awareness, awareness of others in the relationship system, and about being intentional about our own responses. I'm going to quote Smith directly here because I think this is brilliant the way she puts it. "We cannot manipulate people into changing their behaviors, but we can increase the flexibility of the system by being more thoughtful with our responses. The next time you find yourself getting really annoyed with someone, try taking a breath and a step back. How are your own reactions potentially reinforcing someone else's? How does the level of stress impact how closely you focus on others? Now, try to breathe some maturity, some flexibility into the system.

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You may find that some people will become less annoying or the problem has disappeared. But if it hasn't, at least now you're in a position to respond with your very best thinking. That's the most we can ask of ourselves or anyone else." The bottom line here is the best thing we can do to be a non anxious leader is to take responsibility for ourselves and to self regulate, to make sure that we don't respond automatically, but that we take time to focus in on what is going on in terms of emotional process and then be, as Smith says, very thoughtful in our response, be intentional in our responses so that we do things that actually reduce anxiety in the system, or as she puts it, increases flexibility in the system. Or I love this, breathes maturity into the system. This is what non anxious leaders do. That's it for Episode 222. I would love to hear what you think. You can go to thenonanxiousleader.com and fill out the contact form and send me a response or you can email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. Until next time, thanks and goodbye.