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Welcome to episode 205 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Today's episode is based on the Fast Company article Five Habits of Confident People by Stephanie Vaza. As I went through these five habits, I realized that this is what self-differentiation is. Self-differentiated people have a certain confidence that enables them to be who they are in a way that is attractive to other people and helps influence other people. As Raz Usherhoff, president of the Usherhoff Institute, a leadership and branding consultant, says, "Confidence is an inside job. Confident people show up as their authentic self without apology. They ask themselves, what would I do if I weren't afraid?"

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What she means by an inside job is that confidence comes from the inside, it comes from self-awareness, it comes from understanding what one's goals and values are and then saying, even if I'm afraid, I'm going to give it a try. The first habit of confident leaders is they're always growing. One thing we know about self-differentiation is that it fosters humility and curiosity. Self-differentiated leaders, nonanxious leaders, know that they are never finished and that they're able to think beyond the ordinary, that they're able to have perspective, be able to have kind of a balcony viewpoint of their own goals and values, as well as the mission and goals of the organization that they lead. On the other hand, anxious people get sucked into the vortex of their own anxiety, as well as the vortex of the anxiety in the system in which they are functioning and leading. Furthermore, because nonanxious leaders, self-differentiated leaders, are able to set boundaries, they're able to resist surrounding togetherness pressure, they are able to take time for self-care, whether that's spiritual practices exercise or even sleep. Meaning they don't work as much as maybe they think other people think they should.

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I recall when I first started exercising regularly over a decade ago, it took time in the morning, and so it meant that I would actually get into work between 9:30 and 10:00. And at first I was worried, what are people going to think of the boss coming in so late? But then I realized this is important to me, this is actually making me more effective and more productive, and I work plenty. I wasn't really worried about how often I worked, how many hours I worked. And so I got over my own fear of what other people thought and was able to focus in on a habit that was really important to making me a better leader, that is running on a regular basis. In the article, Archerhoff says, "Growth is a continual investment in building confidence. Confident people don't depend on just natural talent, but from learning new skills through perseverance and practice. They don't hesitate to make a course correction upon new knowledge or circumstances. They see failure as lessons learned, accept the consequences and share their experiences."

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This is the epitome of a nonanxious leader and it leads to the second habit of confident people which is they demonstrate courage. One characteristic of a self-differentiated person is they know that they are interdependent. They know that they can't do it alone and so they're not afraid to ask for advice. They don't see it as a weakness. In addition, they're not worried about failure because they are willing to learn, they're willing to try. And they realize that even when things don't work out, it is a learning experience. The third habit of confident people is they are able to tame their inner critic. Now, there are two aspects to this. The first is the ability to distinguish when negative thoughts are helpful or harmful. And this takes perspective. Self-differentiation requires selfawareness and the ability to self regulate automatic reactions. So what that helps one do is to take negative thoughts and not react automatically to self regulate. And then to take some time to reflect on it, to be self aware and to say what is going on here? Is this something that is actually helpful to me? Or does this come from some script that runs around in my head in which I automatically react to difficult situations?

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A nonanxious, self-differentiated leader is able to discern when negative thoughts are worth heeding. Perhaps it's something that actually needs to be addressed and when it is, something that just needs to be ignored because it's not really helpful. For example, sometimes I'm feeling guilty because I have an upcoming deadline and I haven't done enough. And perhaps that is a sign that I need to buckle down. But other times I might be feeling guilty. But a lot of things have happened that have made it difficult. Maybe I needed to pay attention to my family or needed to show up for a friend or I needed to take care of myself so I could be more effective. And knowing the difference between those two situations is really important. And that leads to the second aspect of being able to tame your inner critic and that is being able to show self compassion, to be able to give yourself a break just as you often do for others. Self compassion actually helps us to avoid becoming self absorbed and it's actually counterintuitive. Research shows that self compassion is related to self worth. That is when we show ourselves self compassion we actually think more highly of ourselves.

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You would think it would be the opposite. But what happens is when we show ourselves self-compassion it actually increases feelings of self-worth and increases feelings of confidence. The fourth habit of confident people is that they are comfortable with being uncomfortable. Now, this is an outgrowth of the second habit, which is courage. As Edwin Friedman wrote in A Failure of Nerve, nonanxious leaders are willing and able to embrace discomfort. As Seth Godin put it, it's the willingness to move forward even though you say to yourself, this might not work. The ability to embrace discomfort, the willingness to be uncomfortable, leads to innovation, flexibility and resilience. Becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable means eliminating a what if mindset. According to Jonathan Alpert, author of Be Fearless Change Your Life in 28 Days, "This type of thinking is equivalent to getting under that tabletop and shaking a leg or two. It will destabilize your beliefs and introduce doubt into your thinking and shake your foundation. Anytime you start to think what if, change your thinking to I will."

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What Albert is saying here is, as a self-differentiated leader, you know your goals and values, you know what you believe. You know where God is leading you. And instead of saying, what if something goes wrong? What if this doesn't work? You say, I will try it. I will take a step forward. I will move forward in faith and then figure out how to respond, how to adapt, how to pivot. The fifth habit of confident people is they are willing to speak up. Non anxious leaders know what they believe, and they're able to say it in healthy ways. They know their own goals and values, and they're able to exercise integrity in the moment of choice. They're able to speak up and say what they believe, even when there is surrounding togetherness pressure, even when it is difficult, even when there is anxiety in the room, even when they feel anxiety themselves. Again, quoting Jonathan Alpert "Anyone who has made a mark in this world has spoken up, presented their ideas, and taken a chance. Dare to say what you believe in. You might be pleasantly surprised by who listens to you and is impressed by your confidence in sharing your ideas."

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Non anxious leaders are not afraid of criticism. They're willing to speak up. And as Albert says, criticism simply means that you have gotten other people thinking. From a family system standpoint, we know that whenever we speak up, whenever we take a stand, whenever we try to lead in a direction that we believe in, that we are likely to face resistance. Albert recommends that what we need to do there is stay focused and forge ahead. And what I would say is, yes, stay focused, move forward, but stay connected to others. This is what nonanxious leaders do. They are willing to speak their mind. They're willing to lead even when there is resistance. But they do it in a healthy way. They do it by remaining self-differentiated, by remaining a nonanxious presence. This builds confidence. My experience is, the more that you do this, the more confident you will get. And even though people will criticize you, even though people will tell you that you're wrong and sometimes you will be wrong, there are many times when I have been wrong, but I have learned. And because I've maintained a nonanxious presence, I've been open to the learning and been able to actually get better from it, become better off because of it.

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And this is something I think is important about confidence. Confidence is not cockiness, it's not narcissism. It's just a quiet conviction that you are headed in the right direction, coupled with a humility that enables you to learn and to change if you are not headed in the right direction. This type of leadership is not only attractive, it is influential. It invites people to come along and they are more likely to want to do it. Not because of what you are saying, but because of who you are, because of your presence, because of the confidence that you have. If you can develop this type of confidence, if you can be a nonanxious presence in this way, you can make a difference. That's it for episode 205. You can find a transcript and the show notes at thenonanxiousleader.com/205 and you can connect with me by emailing me at jack@christian-leaders.com. I'd love to hear ideas from you about future episodes and also questions that you might have that I might be able to address. Until next time, thanks and goodbye.