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Welcome to episode 201 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Before I get into today's episode, I want to let you know that at the end of the episode, I'm going to have some bonus content. This week I received an email from the Leaders of Family Systems 101, which you may know is the free course that we run in the nonanxious Leader network. Based on my book. If you met my family, you'd understand. And the leaders Brian Ivory, Lisa Reardon, and Dave Mullen asked if I might spend some time sharing about different organizations that provide family systems training. So I'm going to do that at the end of the episode. I don't make any money off of any of these. I am just going to provide them so that you might do some exploring yourself. And now, without further ado, here is episode 201 Four Leadership T ips from Edwin Friedman. This past week, I attended another lecture at the center for Family Process, which was founded by Edwin Friedman. Most of the people that attend these lectures actually studied with Edwin Friedman when he was alive. Some of them even had Friedman as a therapist.

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I've said before that when people talk about Freedman because they call him Ed, I feel like somebody who was with the original disciples and they must have constantly remarked that Jesus said this and Jesus said that. I'm not comparing Freedman to Jesus, but in some ways, for me, Freedman was the one who started the movement of helping clergy apply family systems theory to leadership. And so when I hear people remark, ed would say, my ears perk up immediately. So this past week at a lecture, I picked up four amazing leadership tips that I want to share with you. The first is when someone who is emotionally charged wants to talk to you, tell them your schedule is full for the next week, and then offer to meet with them the following week. We talk a lot about selfregulation, but there's also value in creating a pause that will help others to calm down. That's what this does. It creates enough time and space for the other to really reflect on how they're feeling. That doesn't mean they're still not going to want to meet with you. It doesn't mean that they're not going to be anxious.

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But I would say that it often eliminates the need for them to talk to you, because they are then able to work it through themselves. They are then able to calm down and reflect. So creating this pause helps others to take responsibility for self. This makes me think of the scripture from John chapter eight, where an angry mob brings a woman who is caught in adultery to Jesus. Let's not even talk about why the man gets off scot free. That's a whole nother subject. But anyway, Jesus bends down and he starts writing in the dirt, and we don't know what he's writing and he never mentions it. But what we do know is that he created a pause that gave the others and the mob a chance to simmer down just a bit. Anytime you can self-regulate, then create some type of pause that gives the other a chance to work through their own stuff. You will find it easier to be a nonanxious presence, and it gives the other an opportunity to take responsibility for self. The second tip is that the first six to twelve months in the congregation as the pastoral leader are all about emotional connection.

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And I would say this is true not just in congregations, but also true if you are new in an organization. As a leader, we know that there are two components to self-differentiation, self-definition and emotional connection. These two are always held in tension, and the challenge is to find the sweet spot that is self-differentiation. However, there are times when we need to lean more in one direction or another. When you are in a new situation, especially if you are the leader, that emotional connection is primary. As one wise pastor once told me, people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care, and that comes through emotional connection. Spending the time to cultivate healthy relationships is an important part of leadership. It requires patience and the understanding that emotional connection matters. This week's lecturer at the center for Family Process, Jacques Hadler, an Episcopal priest, noted two different studies a 2003 Alban Institute and a 2013 Episcopal Foundation study that showed that clergy that did not make it in their congregations came in with a vision but never connected with the congregation. The mistake that many, if not most, leaders make when they enter a new situation is they think they know what to do.

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They're all about vision, they're all about self-definition, but they forget that emotional connection matters. If you can be patient and wait until you've built some relational capital, then you can start making differentiating moves that align with where God is calling you to lead. And this leads to the third leadership tip from Ed Friedman when you do make a change, make one that you are not invested in so you can observe the emotional process. Now, I've never heard this one before, but it's brilliant. Remember that the higher the perceived emotional stakes, the harder it is to remain a nonaxious presence. When you're trying to lead change that really matters to you, the emotional stakes are going to be higher, and people perceive this anxiety even though you may not even know it, and it will make them less likely to want to follow. By choosing to make a change where you don't really have an emotional stake, it will make it easier to be a nonanxious presence and to observe how the system responds. The second part is really important because it will help you to know who the anxious ones are and what their go to responses are.

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Then when you are leading change, it really matters. You'll have a better chance to prepare yourself to act with intentionality. And the fourth leadership tip from Ed Friedman is when the system goes out of whack, ask Why now? This is one I often use in coaching, because the most common way it comes up is when somebody who is normally well behaved starts acting up. My version of this is to ask what's going on in their own family of origin. If you follow the shenanigans in the United Methodist Church, you know that things are becoming increasingly chaotic. The answer to the question Why now? Is that the agreement between traditionalists and progressives that seem to find a way forward has fallen apart. The traditionalists are feeling trapped, and many progressives want to double down on the pressure. If we really wanted to move forward in healthy ways, we would figure out a way to part with each other's blessings, which will not only result in a healthier church, but also healthier leaders. It would also likely result in the least emotional and financial damage to all of the churches involved. So those are four leadership tips from Ed Friedman.

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I'm going to continue to attend lectures at the center for Family Process, and if you want to stay around for some bonus coverage, I'll take you. Through the trainings that I have found available across the country and the world. I'm going to share six different resources that I've found online. Some of them I'm very familiar with, others that I really don't know a lot about. And if you've experienced something that's not on the list, I would love to hear about it. The first is the center for Family Process, and I will put a link to all these programs in the show notes. They have a post graduate seminar that meets twice a year for three days each, and there are two tracks. One track one is not offered this year, but will likely be offered in 2023 and 2024. And I have been attending the Theory Day lectures, which is a series of seven lectures during a typical school year. They are in person. They were running via Zoom during the pandemic, but they're back in person. They take place in a Washington, DC suburb. So if you wanted to do either one of their certificate programs or Theory Day, you'd have to be able to travel to the Washington, DC.

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Area. The second is the center for Pastoral Effectiveness in the Rockies. This is led by the Reverend Bill Selby. The reason I know about this is because Bill has come in and done programs that I have put together at the camp where I work. He offers a series of six retreats over an 18 month period. There are two different tracks and they are held at different places around the Mountain West area. The third program I'm familiar with is the Family Systems Institute. They are out of Australia and we're founded by Danny Brown, the author of Growing Yourself Up. They have a two year certificate program that isn't specifically for clergy, but I think could apply to clergy. The core program is online and has two day intensive each year, but there is an exemption available for those who are overseas. I've actually attended their fall conference and also their systems and ministry symposium. I did not travel to Australia. I signed up for them and they have an online component and I actually didn't even attend them live because they run late at between like nine and 11:00 p.m. At night, which is after my bedtime.

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So I signed up for these knowing that I can actually watch the recordings and I have found them to be quite helpful. FSI is where I was introduced to Dr. Kathleen Parker, who actually works at the Bowen Center for the Study of Family, which is the next program that I'm going to mention. This is the center that was founded by Murray Bowen. So this is really the original center. I've not done any training through them. They have an intensive training that includes coaching along with workshops. They do have a Faith Leadership Conference that I've seen on their schedule. It seems like it happens in February of each year, so I'm hoping maybe that I will be able to attend that in 2023. The next is tending the fire. This is run by Barb Lemmel, who is a clergy person in the New England area. It consists of three retreats and it looks like right now they're all online. I have not attended any of these. I have talked to Barb a couple of times and I do know people who have done the program and they have said it is valuable. And then finally there is the Lombard Peace Center, and this I believe is in Illinois.

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They do have something called leadership and anxiety in the church, but the 2023 schedule is not yet available. The Peace Center has a lot of different programs, but some are family systems based. So there are a lot of different ways you can get training. And of course I'll mention once again that Brian Ivory and Lisa Reardon and Dave Mullin lead Family Systems 101, which is in progress now, but there's likely to be another offering of it next year and it's completely free. It's twelve sessions where you go through my book. If you met my family you'd understand and then you also have discussion. So those are the resources that I've found available. As I mentioned, I'll have links to all of them. In the show notes. You can get to the Show Notes at thenonanxiousleader.com/201 and you can email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. Until next time, thanks and goodbye.