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Welcome to episode 198 of the nonanxious Leader podcast. I'm Jack Shitama, and today we are going to get right into our episode on self-regulation. Reactive and adaptive responses come from the primitive part of our brain that controls the fight, flight or freeze response. They happen automatically before we have time to think. These automatic responses helped keep us alive when we saw a sabertoothed tiger or a member of an enemy tribe.

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The problem is that nowadays there are very few real threats, but we still react automatically to perceive threats. Responding to the anxiety or perceived threat of others without reactivity is a challenge. The very nature of the interaction increases your own anxiety. You will feel anxious inside. The question is how to self regulate and how to respond in a nonanxious way.

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The way to short-circuit reactivity is to self-regulate. This increases the time between stimulus and response and allows us to move from the primitive part of our brain to the thinking part of our brain. As you get better at recognizing your own reactivity, you can train yourself to not respond immediately to the anxiety of others, even if it makes you anxious. The next step is deep breathing. As I mentioned, reactivity is a function of the fight or flight response, which is governed by the sympathetic nervous system.

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Deep breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system which controls our rest and digest response. Self-regulation is about pausing any response than breathing deeply. If you can do this in an anxious system, you have a chance to think clearly and be intentional about your response. For some reason, we feel that we have to respond right away to others. But my own experience is that taking time for a thoughtful response actually injects calm into an anxious situation.

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Once you've been able to self-regulate your response, the next step is to avoid a conflict of wills. Remember, it's process not content. The guideline I use is don't argue, don't agree. A simple way to do this is to say thank you for sharing. I can tell this is important to you.

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This reinforces emotional connection without getting into a conflict of wills. Finally, one of the best ways to maintain a nonanxious presence is through reflective listening. By definition, listening is maintaining a non anxious presence. First, you are remaining nonanxious because instead of fighting, getting defensive, or caving in, you are asking questions. Second, because you are exploring the other's feelings, you are being emotionally present.

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Reflective listening involves asking open ended questions. These are questions that begin with who, what, where, when and how. Avoid questions that begin with why. People don't always know why they feel the way they do, so this might increase their frustration. Here are some examples what makes you feel that way?

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When does that happen? How does that make you feel? The list of questions you can ask is endless. But continue to ask open ended questions and over the course of the conversation, the anxiety will start to dissipate. I would suggest practicing open ended questions in a non anxiety producing situation.

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Do this during meetings at work or church. Do this in routine conversations with family members. The more you practice, the easier it will be to do this when you are feeling most anxious. Finally, at appropriate times, reflect back what you sense the other is feeling. Statements like you're feeling angry, I sense you are frustrated, you feel hurt.

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Get at trying to reflect back the feeling that the other is expressing. Even if you misjudge what they're feeling, they usually appreciate that you are trying to understand them. Regardless, continue with open ended questions and reflecting back their feelings for as long as you can. I found that in most cases the anxiety does dissipate quickly without reactivity the noxious cloud dissipates. It's not uncommon for this to be the end of it.

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The other will say thanks, I just needed to vent and we'll move on. In cases where the other is demanding a response, your best option is to buy some time. Say something like I'd like to think and pray about this, let me do that, then I'll get back to you. You will have to get back to them, but this will give you more time to process the interaction as well as increase your self-awareness and intentionality. We'll cover that next.

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Integrity in the moment of choice is keeping true to your goals and values when faced with situations, obstacles, challenges and decisions in life. When applied to leadership through self-differentiation, it means remaining a self-define nonanxious presence when faced with surrounding togetherness pressures. It is taking a nonanxious principled stand even when you are feeling anxious inside. The smaller the gap between stimulus and response, the more likely that you will respond automatically. More often than not, this type of response is feedback, either reactive or adaptive, that will perpetuate the anxiety of the system.

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The more space you have, the easier it is to be true to yourself. Self-regulation is about creating more space between stimulus and response in the moment of choice. It is resisting the urge to respond immediately, even unthinkingly, so you can have time to respond thoughtfully and with intention. Once you've been able to pause your automatic response to an anxious situation, you can think about what's going on in the situation, what's going on inside of you, and how you want to respond. This takes self-awareness.

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One approach that I find helpful comes from the practice of mindfulness. It is accepting the present without judgment. When you are able to observe what is going on externally and internally without making value judgments you have a better chance of thinking clearly about how you will respond. This is where intentionality comes in. It's hard to exercise integrity in the moment of choice if you don't know your own beliefs, values and goals.

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Even if you do know them, it's not integrity if you're not able to act in accordance with them. Self-awareness will help you understand how your beliefs, values and goals apply in an anxious situation. Intentionality will enable you to do so as a nonanxious presence. Remember, you don't have to respond immediately to anxious people. Take your time.

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Self-regulate. Breathe deeply. Get in tune with what's going on in the situation and inside of you. Think about how to respond with integrity. Then do so in a healthy way.

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That is, without requiring the other to agree with you, but simply sharing where you stand. At first, this will seem awkward. Taking 30 to 60 seconds to respond will seem like a long time, but it's time worth taking. Over time, you will get more comfortable with increasing the gap between stimulus and response so that you can act with integrity. Even so, family systems theory predicts that most of us will be able to respond as a non anxious presence about a third of the time.

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That's why reflection and preparation are so important.

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So how do you put all this family system stuff together? Practice. You will feel anxious inside, but you can learn to regulate your own anxiety. More importantly, you can use reflection and preparation to help you put family systems principles into practice. Since most of us are only able to self differentiate a third of the time or less, you are going to mess up more than you get it right.

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That's where reflection comes in. When those anxious moments occur and you react without thinking, either getting snarky or giving in, it's not the end of things. Take some time after the fact to reflect on the situation. Ask yourself what happened? What was the emotional process, not the content that was at work?

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How did I respond? How would I like to respond in the future? Doing this is no guarantee that you'll do better next time, but it will increase the odds greatly. Over time, you will find that you will become more self aware and intentional and anxious moments. Preparation involves anticipating anxious situations and preparing yourself to respond as a nonaxious presence.

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Many, if not most of these situations occur regularly and can not only be anticipated, you can also predict how they're going to go. Others are difficult conversations that you know you need to have. You know what the content of the conversation will be and can likely predict the emotional process at work. In these cases, ask yourself what is likely to happen? How will the other person respond or react?

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What can I do to self-regulate? What will be my nonanxious response? If you can roleplay this interaction with someone who has no stake in the situation. If you can't do that, rehearse the conversation in your head or even out loud, ignoring the stares of those who think you're talking to yourself. Any kind of preparation increases the chances that you can remain a nonanxious presence and respond with intentionality. As you get better at reflection and preparation when you encounter anxious situations.

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You will be better able to Self-regulation to avoid automatic reactive or adaptive responses. Avoid a conflict of wills. Remain emotionally connected. Take responsibility for yourself but not the other. And respond as a nonanxious presence in a way that authentically represents who you are and what you believe.

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I've also found that when taking nonanxious self-defined stands with another person, it's helpful to start with something like, you don't have to agree with me, but or I may be wrong but and the point here is to create healthy emotional space so that the other understands that you are only defining yourself and not them. You won't always get it right, but the times you do will move your life in a healthy direction that will make the practice worth doing. This is a lifelong process. I've been working on it myself for over three decades. I still fail to self-differentiate more often than not.

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Even so, I found that the times that I am able to lead through self-differentiation makes all the difference. Even one nonanxious presence can move an entire relationship system in a positive direction. By the grace of God, you can be that leader in your family, congregation, or organization.

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That's it for episode 198. That's also it for this four part series on leadership through self-differentiation. I'll be back next week with an all-new episode, and until then, you can contact me at jack@christian-leaders.com or connect with me at thenonanxiousleader.com. Until next time, thanks and goodbye.