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Welcome to episode 192 of The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast. I'm Jack Shitama. Before we get into today's episode, I want to remind you that Family Systems 101, a Free Course, begins September 27 and runs every Tuesday evening from seven to 08:30 P.m. Eastern time and will conclude on December 13. It's eleven weeks of courses. Thanksgiving week is taken off. I will put a link to the show notes so you can get more information and it will sign you up automatically. Remember, this is free and you will get a free copy of my book. If you met my family, you'd understand. A family systems primer. Thanks to all of you who have already signed up. You will not regret it. And now, without further ado, here is episode 192, Six Things You Need To Do To Be A Non-anxious Leader. This episode is based on an article from Inc.com. Six Super Effective Ways To Show Your Emotional Intelligence At Work. By Marcel Schwantes. I'll put a link in the show notes. If you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you know that I think that self-differentiation and emotional intelligence go hand in hand. And if you want to know more about that, you can go back to episodes 122 and 123, how Emotional Intelligence Helps You to Be a nonanxious Presence parts One and Two before I get into the six recommendations in the article, I thought it would be helpful to get into a brief summary of emotional intelligence.

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Now, EQ, as it's called, or EI, was developed by Daniel Goldman, and he says that there are four components to emotional intelligence self awareness, self-management, social awareness and relationship management. As you've heard me say before, self-awareness. The first component is essential to self-differentiation because without it we will be unable to self-regulate. We won't know what's going on inside of us and be able to intentionally choose how to respond. The second component, self-management, is synonymous with self-regulation. A person who is not able to self-regulate is neither emotionally intelligent nor self-differentiated. Social awareness, the third component is the awareness of the emotional process in the individual interactions as well as in the system itself. Emotional intelligence enables us to recognize the higher order of things that are going on and separate them from the content. And finally, relationship management is the ability to be a non-anxious presence. This is self-differentiation and the ability to maintain this nonanxious presence even in difficult situations. When we are able to respond in self-differentiated ways in leadership and personal situations, it has a tremendous ability to inspire and influence others. It has a calming effect and enables them to become more self-aware and intentional.

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So those are the four components of emotional intelligence, self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management. With that as background, let's get into the six things you need to do to be a nonanxious leader. The first thing you need to do to be a non anxious leader is to acknowledge your thoughts and feelings. This is self awareness and it's important to think about the two components here your thoughts and your feelings. I would say they actually have them in reverse order here. It's your feelings that usually come up first, often automatically. They are an indicator that something is going on within you in terms of emotional process. Knowing what your feelings are and even where they are coming from will help you to get a better grip on yourself. Your thoughts, on the other hand, are when you use your thinking, brain and desire to be more intentional. This is the initial step towards self definition knowing your goals and values and how you want to live them out. The second thing you need to do is to test your optimism. People with high emotional intelligence have a healthy optimism and there are three recommended questions to test your optimism.

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The first is am I thinking that this is permanent? This happens when you lose perspective and the challenge you face becomes all encompassing. You feel like things are never going to get better. The second question is am I feeling that this is prevalent and widespread? In a similar vein to the first question, your mind goes to worst case scenarios and you have a difficult time having perspective that this is just one challenge in the larger journey of life. And then the third question is am I giving up my power? When you think that there is nothing you can do, you're giving up the only power you have, which is the power to respond. This is all about understanding the difference between a challenge and a problem. Life is full of challenges. What makes them a problem is when you are unable to respond in a healthy way. This is because we lose perspective and forget that the only power we have is to choose how to respond. That's the difference between a challenge and a problem. A challenge becomes a problem when we are unable to respond in a healthy way. When our anxiety and our fear overcome us.

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And this article reminds me that deep reflection is required here. Whenever we react automatically to something, it's a reminder that we need to pause so we can think clearly. Doing this in the moment is challenging, so if you can buy time so that you can really think clearly, you'll have a better chance. The third thing you need to do to be a nonanxious leader is focus on what you can control. As I just mentioned, the only thing you can really control is your response. And leadership through self-differentiation is the ability to express your goals and values in healthy ways while remaining emotionally connected. That's what you can control. The first part is self-definition, and this is the key to self-differentiation knowing what you can control and thinking intentionally and thoughtfully about your response. The fourth thing you can do to be a nonanxious leader is take a six second pause. You often hear me talk about self-regulation, and the ability to pause is the key to getting from the primitive part of your brain to the thinking part of your brain so that you can decide what to do rather than have it happen automatically.

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If there is one strategy to help you be more of a nonanxious leader, this is the key. If you can't self regulate, you're going to have a hard time doing any of the other things because you'll constantly be cleaning up the message from your automatic responses. The fifth thing you need to do to be a non anxious leader is to tap into kindness wherever you go. This is all about emotional connection. And the interesting thing here is that it's encouraging to connect even with strangers. The research shows that having interactions with strangers improves your wellbeing. It feeds the need for connection. And doing it with strangers is actually much easier than connecting with anxious and challenging people in the relationship systems in which you function. The result of this kind of behavior not only is to improve your wellbeing, but to give you a better outlook and a better perspective on your situation. And finally, the 6th thing you need to do to be a non anxious leader is to ask for feedback. So if number five is having connections with random people, having connections with people you don't know, number six is working on emotional connection with people that you work with or you deal with all the time, whether it's in your family of origin, your congregation, or your organization.

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I've read that there is a company in Erie, Pennsylvania that is putting up signs around town saying Be curious, not Judgmental, which is a take on a Walt Whitman quote that was made famous recently in an episode of Ted Lasso. The idea here is that curiosity can help you connect in helpful ways with the most anxious in the system asking them a question, asking them for feedback without devolving into a conflict of wills. Hear what others have to say and how they feel. Be curious about that. A wise pastor once told me, people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. Asking for feedback helps to maintain healthy emotional connection and helps you to maintain a nonanxious presence. The bottom line with all of these recommendations is that emotional intelligence is an essential competency to working towards leadership through self-differentiation. They go hand in hand because it's nearly impossible to be self-differentiated without having a high level of emotional intelligence. It's a life's work, but it is work worth doing. That's it for episode 192. There is a link in the show Notes to Family Systems 101, and you can connect with me at thenonanxiousleader.com or email me at jack@christian-leaders.com. Until next time, thanks and goodbye.